Camping in Feralas

April 1st

It has been rather pleasant spending some time with my Uncle and cousins here in Feralas, however, I know that it is getting to be time for me to head back to Dalaran for a while, even though I don’t want to do that today. The children are enjoying themselves here in the wilds and they seem to be getting a better grasp on the changes in their lives.

Yes, I did finally admit to Fnor that the two eldest boys are his. I think he already knew it in his heart, however, he had to hear it from my mouth before he would let his mind wrap around it. I have spent so many years telling him that I had taken other lovers in his absence and I think it was my way of protecting myself and the fear that he would want to take them away from me. After all, they are his sons and even though the bloodline may not be “pure” they are of his blood as well as mine. I know that he has always dreamt of having a family and children and I withheld that from him because I was afraid of what might happen.

I know that he loves me in his own fashion and he’s always been extremely kind to the children that I have, even my two youngest sons that I had with my Kaldorei mate. I will have to admit that both of the men in my life have been very similar, they had a lot in common in the way that they looked at life and how they both cherished the lives of their families. However, with Fnor, he’s always had a bit of the wanderlust not only in his business but also in his way of looking at other women. I think that that is coming to a screeching halt though. He’s starting to realize that he may not be able to survive his involvement with his Death Knight and with me.

I know that when he arrived in Feralas, somewhat unannounced, I was pleasantly surprised and worried about him at the same time. He looked like he had been living in a cave, his skin was pale and I could tell by the way that his eyes kept darting around that something had happened to him in my absence.

Apparently, he and some of his guild mates had been assaulted mentally by something they call the Bokor and had gone through some trauma with that. This entity or whatever it is had tried to make them turn against one another with some kind of mind control that had been lying dormant for some time. I knew that there had been previous problems with this thing, some voodoo dolls and things of that nature. Anyway, Fnor was more than a bit shaken by the encounter and rather than trying to seek out the comfort with his Death Knight in Dalaran, he came to me in Feralas.

It never surprises me when he shows up either wounded, lonely or wounded in his spirit, he has always sought me out for comfort and healing. The man is very predictable this way. He has been hurt and he comes to me because in his heart he knows that I truly love him and will do all that is in my power to put things to right for him. Sometimes I feel more like his parent rather than his lover.

This visit was different from some of the ones that we have had in the past. This trip, he didn’t have the fire burning in his belly to leave at first light. He knew that he was in my territory, very close to Feathermoon and the Sentinels there, some of which have been friends of mine for many years. He was very cautious with my Uncle and cousins but I think that they did build up some kind of rapport and respect for him when they were able to hunt alongside my Sindorei. He didn’t put me to shame with his manner when it came to being able to stalk prey, skin and field dress the carcass. I think he surprised my Uncle considerably because he has always had the impression that Sindorei were rather foppish and had someone else do the hard work for them.

I know the first night that he was there, his exhaustion was very obvious to me because he just wanted to crawl under the furs and hold me in his arms. I could feel his body starting to relax and then suddenly his muscles would start to spasm. The poor man had pushed himself beyond just sheer exhaustion again and was close to collapsing. Could this have been from the mind control event or was there something else going on here? I know his dreams were troubled because he normally sleeps very quietly and doesn’t thrash about under the covers, this night, he was very active. I know that I ended up getting out from under the furs and just sitting next to him whispering soothing words to him when he would groan in his sleep.

He has stayed several days with us and with the way that he was acting, I knew that he was in no hurry at all to get back to work and back to his other life. We actually had time to sit down and talk like we used to do in the old days before there were other women in his life and before he started living this double life of his. We were sitting by the campfire, just the two us, having some of his wonderful coffee and he was talking about the oldest boy, Kaldor and how much he reminded him of himself at that age. He was laughing at the mannerisms that the boy has and how he would just smile this smile very much like his own, not to mention the fact that his laughter sounded like his own. That’s when I told him the reason why Kaldor reminded him so much of himself. I don’t think I have ever seen a man with such a look of joy on his face, especially this Sindorei of mine, in all the years we have been together. He even had tears of joy starting to well-up in his eyes, which was a huge surprise to me, given that he had told me he had suspected the boy’s parentage long before now as well as the next oldest boy,Vashlan.

We talked for a very long time about the boys and the reasons I had had for keeping the information secret from him. How I had felt that if he knew these two were his sons, he would have taken them from me even if they did look more Kaldorei than Sindorei. We’ve always had a tumultuous relationship and there was some real concerns there for me. However, I think I actually hurt him by saying that I thought that he could have been cruel enough to take them away from their Mother. I think he was shocked because he told me that as an adopted child, that thought would have never crossed his mind and he was hurt that I would have thought him so shallow, even back in his youth. I told him that there were times in our relationship back then that I really didn’t trust him nor his feelings because he was so brash and his temper was equally uncontrollable in those days.

I guess I was wrong. He was hurt more at the thought that I had taken another man into my bed and bore his children rather than having him be the sire. We were so cruel to one another back then that it is truly a wonder that we survived. He would hurt me and I would do something to hurt him back, just to keep things “even” between the two of us. How foolish we both were and how mistaken we both were back then to have robbed these two marvelous boys of a man that would have given them the world if he only known. The only thing that I doubt he would have been able to do back then was to acknowledge them as his children publicly. He was too focused on becoming successful in his business ventures to want to put that kind of black mark on his name. Now, I wonder if he will want to change their last names to Morningstar rather than leave them as Shadowmoon?

I honestly don’t think that I have been happier nor seen Fnor happier than he has been these last few days here in Feralas. We could hide our little family quite easily here and not have to let the world intrude on us more than minimally. However, this was not something that was going to last forever, I knew that he would have to go back to his other life eventually.

I did tell him about my dream of his turning into a Death Knight and he shuddered. No, he was actually surprised that after having a dream like that, which seemed so very real at the time, that I had allowed him to crawl under the furs with me without stripping completely down and going through some kind of physical inspection. I laughed and told him that all I had to do was to look into those blue-green eyes of his and I knew that he was the man that I had loved all of these years.

I did tell him that I didn’t care for this new arrangement of his. I don’t like the idea of having to share the man that I love with whomever happens to be on the menu this year. He looked kind of surprised at the vehemence in my voice and I think that my eyes were actually snapping with the anger that I feel about it. I am tired of having to take the shadowed role in his life. I’m tired of being the little secret that he keeps hidden away. He looked at me and he looked at the boys as they were frolicking by the lake and I think that I hit a nerve. He actually looked sad and told me that he was going to be making some changes in his life very soon.

I am sure that this Death Knight woman is very nice and she has captured a part of his heart but will she be able to keep it, that is going to be the question. I know this man, I know how his mind works most of the time. Has she seen his temper flare to the levels that I have? Somehow, I doubt it. Fnor has asked me to meet her and I will do that. However, I hope he doesn’t expect us to all be one big happy family together – there is only room for one woman in his bed and I have a feeling that it isn’t going to be the Sindorei Death Knight if I have my way.

He is a Ranger, I am a Sentinel – there couldn’t be a more perfect match. We work hard, we play hard and we love hard. We both know life well enough to know that we both pay for our follies in time. However, I think there is a time coming that there will have to be some choices made, regardless of the children. I am tired of sharing.

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