Memories of Days Gone By

May 23rd

Dear Journal,

Oh, I’ve been so busy trying to keep up with the boys and Fnor, my fifth child sometimes, that I haven’t had a moment’s respite to myself. I know that I am planning on just relaxing here at my desk in the sitting room for a while and try to gather my thoughts.

I knew it was going to happen one of these days, however, when you see your mate and his son get into a disagreement about, of all things, jousting – it really makes you feel like maybe there are just too many males in the house. I know Fnor was right in his points of view and Kaldor definitely has his own style that seems to be working for him. I just wish they would just let things stay as they are, just calm down and take each day as it comes. I know that I have two very alpha males living in the house and they both feel that they are going to take charge of every little thing. There are times when I know I have given Fnor a look that would have wilted an entire garden when he and Kaldor are just being stupid. He’s the Father; he’s supposed to be in charge. This is not a contest between the two of them. I think they both knew that I was upset when I got up from the couch in the great room and stomped into the bedroom and slammed the door.

I know that when I awakened this morning and just lay there for a while, feeling my beloved’s hand on my stomach and his other arm thrown up over his head. I couldn’t help but smile just a little bit and think about how wonderful it was to be able to know that this is the man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. This is the man that fathered my two eldest sons and the man that will help me rear the two youngest ones. A lot has happened in the past that would have driven other couples apart, however, we kept finding out way back to each other’s arms. I watched his face closely this morning and I could still see that dashing young Ranger that captured my heart so easily so many years ago. It wasn’t always an easy thing and there were times when I actually did my best to kill him when he would do something stupid. He didn’t need to have those other women in his life, nor did I have to take a Kaldorei mate, however, those times are past with the blessings of Elune.

I know we have gone our different paths from time to time; however, it was the way that we dealt with things. Now, we both know that we made mistakes and we have all of the rest of the time in the world to make it up to one another. I love him with all my heart, even when I hated him, deep down in my heart, I still loved him.

I think that I am just a little bit depressed today in some ways. The boys really don’t need me as much as they did in Shattrath because we have all of these servants and Fnor always seems to know when they need something before I even do. I miss my friends in Shattrath and I do get lonely even with the family here in the house with me. I miss talking in Darnassian with my girlfriends and the occasional Sentinel that I would run into. I haven’t even had a chance to see Lali because I know that she is busy with her studies. I hope her Sindorei has said that she could go with me to Stormwind to see if they have anything different from what we have here in Dalaran, I like the gowns here; however, I would like something that is elegant, yet simple. Shoes? Well, I think I have the shoes I want to wear already but I’ll ask Lali what she thinks.

I know that Kaldor is growing so fast right now. Not that he’s getting that much taller but he’s gotten broader through the shoulders and he is so strong. He’s not the young man that I brought with me to Dalaran that was somewhat shy and not very confident with himself. Now, he has a lot of confidence and he is definitely Fnor’s son. He has gotten a bit arrogant and I’ve called him down on that, which made him blush profusely and apologize. His brother, Vashlan, has finally talked with Fnor and me about his desire to become a mage.

I was a little taken aback with his desire to be a mage; however, it is fitting for him. He’s more like my Mother with the way that he likes to get off alone and do things his own way. However, I am a bit concerned about the fact that we have yet to find anyone that will be willing to train a young mage. I think that his reading and learning things on his own may have led him astray and I am very worried. Of course, I am sure that some of the cousins in the family may not want to have anything to do with him because they have a certain fear of magic. He’s always been my different child, from the very beginning. He was a wonderful baby, he wasn’t the loud screamer that his older brother was and was very content to just be held and not have eat constantly when I was holding him in my arms. Kaldor was a very demanding child while Vash was more content with the things surrounding him. These two boys have the same Father; however, they are as different as day and night. Kaldor was the scraper and Vash was the one that I had to watch a bit more closely, he didn’t fight as well as Kaldor; however, he seemed to get his revenge on the people that were hurting him by other means. Maybe the magic was already running through his veins even then. Fnor doesn’t seem to mind, he just kind of looks puzzled and says that he will try to help Vashlan out as much as he can; however, magic is a bit beyond his comprehension and mine.

I wish we could hurry up and get things together for the wedding. I am so excited about it and I think that Fnor is already pleased with the idea. He says he is trying very hard to find someone to perform the ceremony, he says he knows someone that might do it. He’s being very secretive about it and we’ve not even decided where we are doing to have it yet either. I really need to talk to Lali about that too, her wedding was so lovely.

Oh, I’ve finally convinced Fnor that I am fully capable of going out on my own and doing some of the contracts he has on his desk. I don’t know where this protective idea came into his mind, however, it has got to stop. He’s afraid that I will leave and not come back, if the truth were to be known. I don’t know how this man can be so successful with everything that he does and yet, he’s afraid that his personal life will just disappear. I never realized how insecure he felt until I came to Dalaran. It may be that he thinks that I will do some of the things that he did when we were apart. I honestly don’t know.

I can remember when it would be months between his visits in Shattrath sometimes when we were supposedly together there. I had the boys to keep me busy and he had his business and his other women to fulfill his needs. Of course, each time he came back, we would resume our life together like nothing had happened. There were times when he couldn’t send money to us and it was a hand to mouth existence for the boys and me. Of course, I was a skilled hunter and could usually keep the boys and I fed and clothed for the most part but it wasn’t the luxurious life that we have in Dalaran these days.

I do still miss my Kaldorei mate and I think that I always will. The two youngest boys still miss him and I know that they are starting to forget some of the things that he taught them, they have Fnor now, however, I don’t want them to forget their real Father. He was such a wonderful man in so many ways. We weren’t wealthy and we didn’t have the best of everything liked we do now; however, there was a warmth and love between the boys and him that no money could replace. I think that is why Fnor is having a little trouble with the boys too, he tries so hard to please them, and however, he has got to understand that you can’t buy love. I miss his laughter the most and the soft sound of his voice when we were alone. While I love Fnor with all of my heart, this other man was of my own kind and he had such a different approach to life.

Fnor knows that I can’t help but compare the two men in my life and I think that he resents it sometimes with the way that he acts. Fnor is bit younger than what my mate was and I think that that is part of the difference too. It is something that I have to take into consideration as well when I start comparing the two men in my life – they are different and yet very much alike. Fnor has a fire that my Kaldorei didn’t have because he was happy with his lot in life and when we decided to become mates, he was already established in his habits – however, he loved the fact that my two eldest sons were able to work with him even when they were small and he didn’t seem to care that they had a mixed heritage. When the two youngest boys came along, he was overjoyed and spent as much time with them as he could. Things were simpler then, and we were all very happy together. Fnor was married to that Sindorei huntress of his and I could tell that when he stopped by to see us in Shattrath that he wasn’t happy with her, even within a month after the wedding. He would look at the boys and look at me with such longing that I had to pull him off to the side and tell him that my mate was a good man and I was not going to hurt him the way that he had me all of these years. Fnor gave us work to do for his company and that is how we had some of the nicer things, however, they don’t compare to what we have now.

I don’t know why I feel sad today, that’s when the memories come flooding back to me. I know that it would hurt Fnor very much if he thought I was yearning for the days gone by. He loves me and I love him, however, one can’t help but remember the things in the past – that is what makes you the person that you are today.

I need to get off my backside and get busy. I have contracts, children and a firey Sindorei to keep up with. Seems he wants to make sure that we go look at some more dresses that he is going to have shipped to Dalaran. I would just like it to be something that Lali and I find, let it be a big surprise to him.

 

Amyn

 

 

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