Thinking About Personal Failings and So Many Doubts

Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author

April 24th

Dear Journal,

I am sitting here and trying to clear my head a little bit. It’s been a couple of days since I have been able to excuse myself away from Amyn and Poetica to have some time alone. There are some times when a man just has to get off to himself so his mind and body can relax. My brain feels like it has been on overload and we won’t talk about my body that much because it has its own ideas as to how it’s going to cooperate with my head.

We’ve been searching for Mallie for several days now and I am beginning to wonder if it isn’t a moot point. I think that we covered every square inch of ground in Desolace and I’ve talked to as many people as I could to see if they had seen our wayward Paladin. She has been here, that much I have been able to ascertain, however, it has been quite a while ago. From what I was told by various people, she was here, a bit disheveled and a bit of a cranky bugger, however, that’s how I knew that we were talking about the same person. Girl definitely has some mood swings that could make a fellow suffer vertigo of varying levels of severity.

Poetica has been using her “blood presence” to see if she can track Mallie. I don’t see what good that would do with the trail being as cold as it is; however, if it makes her feel like she’s accomplishing something, I won’t say anything to her about it. I know that Amyn and I have been using our tracking skills to the best of our abilities and it seems to be a moot point. This trail is as cold as one could imagine after a month. What kind of scent can we pick up after that amount of time? All we can go on is word of mouth and what we are able to find out that way.

At least when we hit Feralas, Amyn and I both felt like we were ahead of the game there. Amyn checked with the Sentinels at Feathermoon and they hadn’t heard anything about a wandering Paladin of the Horde ilk wandering the area. I’m sure if they had counted coup on this particular Horde member, they would have remembered it. Poor Mallie still has so much to learn, it’s like following a novice through a temple and telling them not to touch anything for fear that they would set fire to themselves.

I’ve heard some talk of a Paladin matching her description wandering around; however, we’re still looking at a cold trail due to the time period. I am assuming that Poetica will want to stay in the area for a few days until we have exhausted as many leads as we have been able to find.

I think that when we do find Mallie and she is still in decent enough condition, I will give her a tongue lashing that she won’t be able to forget for quite some time. I have never seen anyone that was so selfish and so self-centered that they would cause their sister so much worry. Poor Poetica has been beside herself with worry. I know that she is starting to flag in her efforts a little bit; however, I won’t stop looking until she says it is okay. Poor woman is struggling as hard as she can to keep up a brave front and keep her mindset in a positive state.

We all did make the trek to Shattrath City for the rave on Saturday night. Amyn was happy to be back in the city and I couldn’t help but notice how happy she was when she ran into some of her friends in the area. The event went well and there didn’t seem to be any kind of excitement going on other than the fact that I had brought Amyn to the event so she could meet and see some of the people that I associate with. I know that it was hard for her to be there because it was very awkward with no one else to talk too except for me and a cursory smile for Poetica as she worked with her staff through the evening. I know that I wasn’t great company because I just wasn’t in the mood to do much talking to anyone that night. I think I was tired and preoccupied with the things running through my mind.

I know that it has been very lonely for her in Dalaran with just the boys for company most of the time. I try to get over to the guest house as often as I can so that we can talk and I can see what the boys are doing. My two sons are definitely giving their Mother a difficult time with their constant complaints of the fact that there is nothing for them to do in Dalaran except sit around and idle the time away. I gave them some work to do in the way of leatherworking and some additional chores that they can do to keep them busy. The two youngest are missing their friends in Darnassus and the two of us, Amyn and I, have been toying with the idea of sending them to visit their grandparents again in Darnassus. At least they can keep up with their studies there and get to know their people again. I know that they miss their biological Father very much and have caught them talking now and again about my shortcomings in comparison to him. Yes, he was a great guy and I even miss seeing him with them too.

I know that as I watch Amyn move through the forest here in Feralas, it does seem like old times. She still has that natural grace and beauty that has always kept me mesmerized. She and I both have exchanged a few words in our search about the fact that we might just be wasting our time. However, we’ll keep looking, after all, it is Poe’s sister.

I am sitting here this morning and wondering if I am a failure as a man. As hard as I try, I keep waffling between these two women. I know that my business is successful, I deal with that fact all of the time by keeping my staff running ragged getting our contracts filled with Fnar Dawnglory’s assistance. However, I look at the current situation and wonder about what in the hell I am doing.

I am sitting here wondering if I did the right thing by Poetica in telling her about Amyn. She took it all in stride and put a positive spin on the situation. I mean, it can’t be every day that a man comes to a woman and tells her that he has had a Kaldorei mistress for years and has children with her. I know that it was a shock for Poe and I could tell that it hurt her a great deal. I think that she is trying to understand the fact and trying to accept it, however, I know that she has her pride too. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of her acquaintances aren’t telling her to leave me and chalk it up as an experience and loss. The only problem with that is the fact that some of these same people are supposedly friends of mine as well.

You know, I wouldn’t have gotten involved as heavily with Amyn again if it hadn’t of been for the fact that Poetica and I were going through some tough times. I wanted to talk to someone that I knew would understand what I was going through. Here I was engaged to a woman that I rarely saw, we rarely were in Dalaran together, even though she supposedly lived with me. It was just plain awkward and I was extremely lonely. Little did I know that Amyn was going through a very lonely time in her life at the same time? So, the talk turned into more than just a talk and we found ourselves falling back into our old routine – yes, I went to bed with Amyn. I had missed that intimacy with her and was getting absolutely none with the woman that I had proposed marriage too. I should have left things well enough alone and gone on about my business. I shouldn’t have gotten both of them involved in this messed up triangle, I can see the sadness in both of their eyes and it haunts me.

What my gut is telling me is that I will end up losing both of them. I will lose Amyn and the boys; I will lose Poetica and our mutual friends. I am a social animal, always have been for the most part, however, I have been a bit reclusive too. Maybe I should put myself back into the constant work mode and squelch any of my physical needs as I have done in the past?

I just know that when I look in the mirror these days, I don’t like the face that is reflected back to me. This is not the proud and happy man that he once was. He looks rather haggard, overworked and haunted. Unfortunately, I’m being haunted by today’s activities, not things of the past. I want to get that feeling that things matter again.

My biggest problem is that I love both of these women, even as I see it tearing all three of us apart. I can tell that Amyn and Poetica like each other and may someday become fast friends; however, I don’t know where I stand in this whole thing. I’ve lost my sense of balance and direction.

I’ve reached an emotional saturation point. What with the heads being delivered to the office, not knowing whether they were from the Bloodsworn or not? Not knowing if they were directed against me, personally, for my relationship with Amyn and Poetica even as it wracked me with guilt at the time. Who knows? I know that I am keeping myself alert to any further signals in that regard; I don’t want anything to happen to the people that I truly care about. Then add in the situation with the changes at the house – it’s all come too soon and too fast for me to make the proper adjustments and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. There are days that I feel used and pushed aside, then, there are days where I feel differently.

I know my thoughts are wandering around this morning. This is how my brain is functioning on a personal level at the moment. Not scrambled, however, I feel that I have lost my direction, my reason for being the man that I am. I’m not proud of my personal life; I’m entangled in a web of my own devising. At least I know I haven’t lost my integrity completely nor my ethics. My honor and my pride are somewhat intact, even if questionable by some people’s standards

I’ve heard the comments that people make when they don’t think that I am listening, while they may be hurtful, there could be some truth to it. The only thing that I can say is that they don’t know me personally, they know “of” me, not the person, not the man. I can still walk the streets of Dalaran with some assurance of respect from some of the people that I meet. Maybe it’s true that familiarity breeds contempt, I’ve seen it happen most oft as not. However, I’ll get this sorted out in my own mind and try to make the right decisions.

I think that after we finish this search for Mallie, I will try to find myself again. Get back to being the man that was happy with life, the man that hasn’t had his loyalty put into question by passing acquaintances on a personal level. My business is going well enough that maybe Dawnglory and I should take off on one of our sojourns again – as crazy it sounds, sometimes he some rather pertinent rationale to add to the mix that might give me the key back to myself. I have definitely lost that perspective – what makes me happy, stop worrying about other people, start taking care of myself again, not worry about what will happen if I make this step and not take that one.

I don’t know that Poetica and Amyn will understand what I am going through internally. I haven’t’ voiced my concerns to either one of them and yet, I think they know that all is not right with me. It isn’t the first time that I have walked away from Amyn for a time; she can tell that I have gotten myself into an internal turmoil. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m just feeling very lost.

I’ve gone from being alone with my two sisters in Dalaran to a house that is so full that it’s daunting and now back to a house that is almost empty again in the matter of months. It does make one’s head spin and breaks one’s heart all at the same time. So many emotions, so much self-doubt that I have never dealt with before in my life. I have confidence in my work and my abilities there; I can’t say the same for my personal life.

Ah, yes, Pan is letting me know that the girls are getting things packed up again and we’re moving camp again today and will continue our search.

Maybe I’ll find myself while we’re searching for Mallie, which would truly be a bonus.

Fnor Morningstar

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