It’s been years since I’ve even opened this old dusty book and put anything in it. I just felt the need to write something down because I can’t very well discuss it with my brother, Fnar or with my best friend, Faendra. They would both think I’m being stupid and naive again. I can’t help it, it’s how I feel and it’s something that I am going to have to learn how to deal with it like an adult.
An adult? What in name of all that is Holy is an Adult? Well, my definition of that right now is someone that is getting on in years and has the intelligence of an insect when it comes to things that matter the most.
I’m sitting here crying and thinking about the man I am in love with. He’s getting married to someone else and he wants me to perform the ceremony for them because he’s marrying a Kaldorei that wants a Sindorei wedding. Life is not fair!! I should have said “no” because my heart was breaking and I just wanted to run away from him when he asked me to do a small favor.
I think that I have been in love with this man since the first time I laid eyes on him when I was a little girl. He’s tall, dark and has black hair and a very infectious laugh. I remember that he picked me up in his arms and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told me how cute I was and I think that’s when I fell in love with him. He’s always been my ideal, he’s kind, he’s generous and very brave. He’s the perfect gentleman and the perfect man in my eyes. Now, I feel like my whole world is shattering.
How can I tell my best friend that I am in love with her brother and that I have been saving myself for him? it sounds so stupid when I write it down. All of my dreams of finally being able to kiss him on the mouth and let him feel the passion that I have held in my heart for him all of these years and have him respond to me in like kind. All of those naughty dreams of mine where I can feel him between my legs and taking that virgin flower as only a real man would and I wake up with that empty feeling that my dream lover couldn’t fill for me.
When Fnar and I packed up our things in the orphanage and moved to Silvermoon, it was a time when I was so frightened of everything that I spent most of my time hiding in my room and weeping. Fnar had decided that being in the Rangers was the only way that he could make a living and take care of me because I was still a little girl. I wish I had been adopted by some family, however, that didn’t happen because Fnar wouldn’t let me go…he’d be mean to the people or he would cut my hair funny so I looked awful and they wouldn’t take me. He’s my brother and I think that he didn’t want to be left alone at the orphanage – he was too wild and headstrong for many to want to adopt him but I loved him for it anyway.
I know I stayed in our little one room apartment and tried to keep myself busy when Fnar was gone and kept the door locked because I was afraid to go outside alone. There were no more matrons to run too if something went wrong and I needed help, we were alone in a city that was so huge and the people seemed so different from the people in Shattrath. Fnar would bring me books to read and would take me out for walks when he wasn’t training. He actually took me to where he was training a few times and I would sit on the benches and watch all of these people shooting bows or striking these wooden things with swords until Fnar would remember me and come talk to me for a while.
He had told me about his Commander and how strict he was with his training and making sure that Fnar got everything done correctly. He even brought home some old armor that the fellow had given him because he couldn’t afford to buy his own. We spent hours cleaning that old dusty armor and shining it up so that it looked almost new. We didn’t have a whole lot of money and Fnar was doing the best that he could to support the two of us. I even offered to go out and try my hand at herbing, however, Fnar was adamant that I stay at home for now before I ended up getting presented to people before he thought I was ready.
The first time that I met the Commander, he was all dressed up in his parade armor, all red and gold and was almost like something I had seen in the picture books in Shattrath. The sunlight was glancing off in all directions when it hit his armor and his smile was so bright that it made me smile back. Fnar was very nervous when he introduced us and I know that I was blushing as only a little girl can and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes because I was so afraid.
The Commander introduced himself as Fnor Morningstar and bowed. I’d never had a man bow to me before and I was even more frightened when he picked me up in his arms and smiled right into my eyes and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I remember running and hiding behind Fnar when he put me back on the ground and holding onto his belt as if my life depended on it. I remember him talking about the fact that he had a sister my age going to school here in Silvermoon and he thought that we might be good friends.
I know that Fnar was embarrassed and told his Commander that he couldn’t afford to send me to school and that he was teaching me at home when he had the time. I guess Commander Morningstar must have been shocked and a bit embarrassed that one of his troopers was living at the edge of Murders Row in a tenement building because the next thing I knew, we were moving into another apartment closer to the Bazaar. Fnar brought home several dresses that were my size and told me to try them on and he even brought some very nice books for me to have that he had gotten from his Commander. He also told me that I was going to be living with the Commander’s sister, Faendra and I would have to live in a foster home with her. I cried until I vomited and told him I didn’t want to live in a foster home because I thought it was like going back to an orphanage.
So, that’s how it all began. My friendship with Faendra and my falling more in love with her brother each time I saw him, which was actually more frequent than I saw my own brother. I guess the Commanders could get back to their families more often. Fae and I are still great friends; however, I wonder how she would feel if she knew that I loved her brother?
She has always teased me about the fact that I always get so quiet when Fnor is around and that you’d think that I had gone mute on more than one occasion. All I wanted to do was to stare at him and memorize everything he said and to take a new memory of how he looked when I last saw him into my mind and heart.
Yes, he’s been involved with other women, closer to his own age and he’s even been married before, silly woman ran off with an Orc instead of staying with this wonderfully beautiful man. I think I always thought that there might be a chance for me some day. He would see that I was all grown-up and would fall in love with me. He was truly my Prince in shining armor and yes, he did ride up a few times on a charger that made me almost swoon when I thought of the fairytales and how they ended.
Oh, I know he’s been involved with this Kaldorei and has children with her, however, that happens in wartimes. Now, he’s going to marry her and I have to be there to see it. I don’t know how I can bear it but I will. I want it to be my wedding and not hers, she doesn’t deserve him, he’s my man, my heart and not my lover but it has to happen. Maybe he will change his mind before the wedding?
Part of me wants to weep some more and part of me wants to hate the way that I feel. I wish I had someone I could talk to about this. I’m afraid that people would laugh at me if they knew and I don’t think that I could bear that. Why did he have to ask me to perform the service? He even gave me one of those beaming smiles of his and winked when I said “Yes”…I shouldn’t have said that I would do it but now, I have too.
I think that I will go talk to one of my older instructors and see what they think. I know that I have the authority to perform the service and I think that I know how to do it. I’ll get some clarification on the ritual and try to get some other ideas as to how I can handle this whole situation as a priestess.
I just flipped back the pages on this journal and I think I need a new one. It looks like I’ve spent hours writing his name on the pages and writing my name with his last name. Silly school girl stuff but still it hurts to see my dreams shattered like this. I think my heart is breaking.
Stupid stupid girl!!