Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author.
I think Amyn decided that I needed to sleep the whole day away yesterday, which I gladly did, although there were so many things that I could have been doing other than losing myself in sleep. I’ll admit that this is the first time in months that I have felt “rested” and can honestly think a bit clearly. One can collect one’s thoughts when the fatigue is so heavy that it clouds your judgment.
I think I only woke up long enough to eat some soup that my beloved had made and was sitting on the side of the bed spoon-feeding it to me. I guess I was really out of it and she just wanted to make sure that I had some nourishment in my body at least. It’s not like I didn’t eat like a complete pig during the holidays, ,however, I know that all of the food that I had eaten wasn’t exactly on the regiment for good health.
Just laying there in bed, staring into her eyes was enough to make me happy and later on, holding her in my arms when she came to bed was closer to any kind of heaven a man could have imagined. I know that she is here with me, she comforts my soul and my body in ways that no other could.
I’m getting all mushy with this stuff but I can’t help myself. It isn’t every day that a fellow can admit that he is still madly in love with his wife either. These are the things that I miss the most when I am in Panderia, being able to come home to my wife each night and falling asleep in her loving arms. It’s almost enough to make a man run away from all of his duties and this stupid war, however, the cost would be too dear to us as a couple and to the rest of the family. However, I will admit that the temptation is there.
I know that I have gotten several contracts from Garrosh’s cronies to start picking up deserters but somehow, they seem to end up on the bottom of the pile. I can’t blame some of these young fellows for taking off and losing themselves in the beauty of the country and the lifestyle of the Panderian people. Yes, they have a duty to the Horde, however, how many of them were conscripted into the service without any choice in the matter? I think that there are quite a few. My orders to report back for duty came from Silvermoon, not Orgrimmar, and I sometime wonder if the people in Silvermoon had an inkling of what it was that we were going to be ordered to do.
Yes, yes, I know of the involvement of a few Blood Elves with the thing in Theramore, however, the rest of the race is also being painted with the same brush, which is entirely unfair. Oh, hell, I know that life isn’t fair, however, this particular instance is one that most of us never asked for and to have to continue to serve under that bastard in Orgrimmar is sometimes more of a punishment than an honor. There was no honor in Theramore. There was no honor in the things that are now occurring in Dalaran which is driving all of my people from a place that they had learned to call home, including myself. I really and truly hate this war with a passion that I haven’t felt in my gut for many years.
There are times that I look at the orders that I am giving and I don’t know whether I want to give them out to my troops are not. I know that in the old days, it wasn’t uncommon for a Commander to be fragged for sending his troops off to certain death and I just hope that my men aren’t feeling that way about me with some of the nonsense that we have had to deal with. The orders show no mercy to man, woman or child, however, I make sure that there aren’t whole scale slaughters going on under my command. Civilians didn’t ask for this war, the Panderian didn’t ask for this war. The only one that is asking for War is Garrosh and he is doing it for power and greed for himself, nothing more. He could care less about the races under his banner, just gaining that extra piece of dirt to make him feel more powerful.
There is some discussion that the Shas may be involved with his current insanity and I sometimes wonder if there isn’t some truth in that. Some of the things that I have seen happen, that turn my stomach could only be directed by a madman. I am loyal to my oath as an officer, however, I do draw the line when it comes to whole scale slaughter. My Rangers weren’t meant for this kind of work, they weren’t meant for higher ideals than just kill, slaughter everything and burn what we can’t carry with us. No, I’ll probably get demoted or worse for flexing my ability in giving out some of these orders – we even escort civilians out of harm’s way.
Just looking over at my wife as she lay sleeping in our bed, I wonder what her thoughts would be if she were actively working with her Sentinels at this point in Panderia. I know that she can be as bloodthirsty and as ruthless as any Sentinel, however, would her heart be as torn as mine with some of the things that both of our factions are doing? Maybe it’s for the best that she hasn’t been called up yet, although, I do expect it at any time now. Not only will I be keeping an eye out for my son but I will also be keeping an eye out for my wife when the time comes. I know that when she does go, which is inevitable, that the little guys will go stay with their grandparents again.
I’m sure that if some of my thoughts became public knowledge that I would be tried as a traitor to the Horde, however, to be honest, I don’t know that many people that aren’t hinting at the same thoughts sometimes. I do guard my tongue very carefully and stay as on track with the elements of the Horde as much as I can because I’ve heard that hanging is not a pleasant death. I’ve witnessed a few hangings and will admit that it isn’t a quick clean death.
My dreams have been rather strange this trip back to Shattrath. I constantly find myself wandering the green hills and mountains of Panderia. Maybe there is some truth to the fact that once you have walked this land of plenty that you truly never can go back to the old way of life.
In my dreams, I see Amyn and the boys at the farm, seemingly happier than I can recall seeing them in this lifetime, they seem content. In my dreams, there is no war, there is only peace and we’re all enjoying the freedom of the land even if I keep hearing some unseen Panderian saying “Slow Down” all of the time. There is a tranquility in my dreams that I don’t think that I have ever truly known in my life, if only it were real.
The only disturbing things that I have seen in my dreams are people that have been long dead. I actually had a cup of coffee with my own biological Father and we were discussing military things, him giving me advice and me nodding and smiling. It was such a strange part of my dream that I woke up, yet I felt happy that he and I had been talking as Father and Son. I think that in my heart, I always knew he was my Father, although he waited until he was on his deathbed to tell me. I wonder if things would have been any different for me if I had known for certain prior to that time? Probably not, I know that he was indeed a task master with me to make sure that I did everything correctly to climb the ranks within the Rangers. He succeeded in that regard.
I’ve always been a firm believer that sometimes your dreams have some truth in them. Even the nightmares that you have will sometimes reveal things that are unpleasant, although, they can still have some bearing on your life. I know that some of my nightmares have come true rather unpleasantly at times.
I know that I am enjoying the time here in Shattrath and I’m really enjoying seeing the house come to pass in Nagrand. I can hardly wait for it to be finished, I know that Amyn will definitely be pleased with it there. I am in hopes that it will be completed before I have to go back to Panderia or at least extremely close.
I’ve also noticed that my bride likes to take off a little bit now and again, coming back smelling of the ice and cold that only Northrend can bring, along with a few bruises here and there. After some discussion, it was finally brought out that she was going to Northrend to the tournament and that she was trying to surprise me with how much she had learned. After much laughter on both our parts, we’ve decided that we will take the boys and go for a couple of days. Of course, it will seem strange not being able to stay in Dalaran but it will also test our mettle against all of the things that may have changed there. Of course, it will be hurtful to me to be so close to my old home and not be able to go there, but it’s time for me to face that and get on with my life.
It has been more relaxing to be alone with Amyn and the boys than I thought possible. It is actually the first time that we have been alone like this without any servants or anything of that past life and it has been enjoyable. Amyn cooks most of the meals, the boys clean up afterwards while Amyn and I sit there at the table and just talk. It is as it should be, just family. It’s different, not having everything done for us but then, it’s something that we can get used to having that way in time. No, I don’t think that I will hire servants for the house in Nagrand, I think that we are fully capable of maintaining the place on our own. It will definitely save money for us in the long run that we will be able to use on other things that we might enjoy.
I know that I will need to take a quick trip to Orgrimmar to talk to Faendra and to check on a few things for the business. It does seem to be going extremely well these days and considering that it is war time, we always seem to show an amazing profit during that time. It’s terrible to think that we’re furnishing goods to the military so that they can send off more young people to take part in the battles and possibly never return to their homes.