I’m still perplexed and still a little tender from my last run in with Faendra in Orgrimmar, however, I feel kind of relieved emotionally. I guess that I really did screw things up with her but I’m not so sure that it is all my fault either because I never told her I loved her, not once or even hinted at it, and I am absolutely fucking sure that I didn’t ask her to marry me. Maybe there is something wrong with me in that way, I’m not real damned sure.
I care about her and I wish that there was more in the way of feelings there. She’s beautiful and very tantalizing to any male, however, my feelings are that deep – maybe they will be some day, maybe not. However, I need to make sure that she and I can still at least be friends. I don’t think I mislead her or lied to her in any way other than the fact that I pursued her like any man would, maybe, she made the mistake in thinking that I was the marrying kind at this point in my life. She has to understand that when I say that I care about her a great deal – that means that she is in the category with my sister, Fnor and some other people. I care about what happens to them, however, that doesn’t mean that I want to spend the rest of my life with them though.
I think a big part of my problem right now is Panderia. I find myself spending a great deal of time alone when I’m not out on patrol or in camp. I don’t really talk to anyone other than Fnor and maybe a few people in passing. Maybe I am just fucking lonely? I even think that my libido has taken a hiatus on me too – I just don’t have that feeling right now for anything. Maybe I’ll just start becoming more of a hermit than I already am because it sure does seem a lot safer that way – I don’t get my heart broken, I don’t hurt anyone and it’s just me and my cat. Maybe that’s what it is supposed to be like.
I think that I have fallen in love with the Jade Forest. Anytime I have any free time and I’m not at Fnor’s farm, I’m in the Jade Forest. there are some beautiful spots there and I can hunt and fish to my heart’s content. I do run into people down there now and again, however, they don’t seem to be all that sociable either, which is probably a good thing sometimes. I’m not sure how I could handle listening to someone’s life story if I only said hello to them.
I’ve found some people birds down here and I have been doing some sketches of them when the mood strikes me. I know that the Panderian think that I am probably just another one of those Blood Elves or something but I don’t really care. Just give me a sketch book, a nice rock to sit on and I’m happy just doing my drawings, even if they are a pain when I start getting crazy with detail. My poetry is definitely not working like it used too – I have no muse to inspire me in that area.
I think going off like I do right now reminds me of when I would sneak away to Nagrand and camp for days on one of the floating island. I know that if anyone chanced upon me they thought I was some kind of nut job – sitting there in my drawers with a sketch pad on my lap. I definitely can’t get that relaxed here in Panderia because something could come popping out of the brush and take a bite out of my ass if I’m not prepared.
Oh well, I’ll try to write to Faendra and see if the letter gets returned or if she will even respond to it. I’m voting on the last choice because she was pretty upset with me. Fnor told me not to worry about it and he was kind of shocked at her reaction when I was in Orgrimmar too. He is of the same opinion that I may have stopped by at the wrong time or something.
I did find the letter that I had written to her right after the riots in my bags. I thought I mailed the damned thing but maybe it’s a good thing that I didn’t because it may have “mislead” her some more and she would really be upset now.
Well, I suppose I ought to get busy and do something today, I’ve been sitting here acting like some kind lump and haven’t gotten anything done today at all. I have those contracts that I can fill and ship the hides back to Orgrimmar, I don’t have to take them myself, that’s for damned sure.
I really think I’m just lonely.