It Was The Right Decision

January 29th

Dear Journal,

I’m sitting here in my tent and asking myself if I made the right decision to come back now.  What I am doing at the moment is just cleanup in Mount Hyjal.  I know that I am getting used to the routine, the patrols and building up my camaraderie with the other Sentinels, yet, my heart is still torn about my decision to return.

I know that my Sindorei is very angry with me because I have heard absolutely nothing from him.  He is usually very prompt in his responses to any letters or messages that I have sent him in the past.  This makes me wonder if he has even received the message yet. He has to know that this was not an easy decision for me to make and, yes, maybe I should have discussed it with him before I took any action on it.  However, it would have made me feel that I was looking for his approval or even permission to do anything with my life other than just take care of the children, the business and our homes.  No, that definitely went against the grain of my thoughts.  I’ve never had to “ask” his permission for anything and he has done the same to me.  I just want to hear from him, I miss him.  This is all because I want to join him in Panderia, not sit on my backside and wait in Shattrath for six months to a year before he decides to send for me.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life just sitting and waiting for him to come back to me.  No, that isn’t going to be happening any longer.  I have a spine and I’m tired of just being used for a homemaker – that’s not what I took all of the training as a Sentinel for back when I was younger.   No, I’m not going to be one to be sitting at home and waiting, I don’t know why I allowed that to happen in the first place. Yes, I allowed it to happen and by Elune, I’m done with that.  No more will this woman be sitting at home.

I will be heading back to Dolonaar to check on my two youngest boys in the next couple of days.  Yes, I do miss them, however, I don’t miss the supposed domestic bliss that went along with it – there was no bliss, I was there with children, cleaning house, cooking, doing the laundry and trying to make them feel like they had a home of sorts. 

Oh, the memories that it brings back to me in the days when their Father was still alive and he would be there with me – not like my Sindorei that seems to be completely capable of packing up his belongings and heading out the door to something new.  Yes, the war, there is always going to be a war somewhere, that doesn’t mean that he has to be there.  He had a choice of not going this time, no, that’s unfair, he didn’t have a choice, however, I think that he could have handled it differently.  He was ordered to go back into service and he went – no questions asked, he had to go.

I had a choice.  I could have stayed hidden in Shattrath with all of the new refugees that have filtered in during the last few weeks or I could go out and take an active role in what was going on in the world.  I chose the latter.

None of the other women up here are not mated.  I guess I’m a bit older than some of them and I am one of the few that has children.  It’s not unusual to do what I have done in so far as having children, however, only the youngest boys are Kaldorei.  Of course, I’m not going to tell anyone here that I am married to a Sindorei, that would be sheer stupidity on my part and I could end up getting killed for being a traitor for just that reason.  I know that Kal does it, he keeps his hereditary a secret for the most part because he physically has the appearance of a Kaldorei except for his eyes have green flecks in them.  He’s survived all of these years and so has Vashlan.  It wasn’t easy for either one of them and it never will be, however, I love them as much or even more because of whom their Father is.

I miss my husband and my mind keeps wandering back to him.  Why hasn’t he written?  Why hasn’t he tried to get in touch with me?  Is he just that angry that I decided to do something on my own so that I didn’t have to sit on my butt and just worry about him and Kal?  I just hope that I haven’t shocked his Sindorei pride too much by taking things back into my control.

Oh well, it’s time for me to get out of my tent and go do what I am being paid for.  I also need to go see my two little boys and stop off in Stormwind to make sure that Maggie is keeping things in order for the business there since it may be my only source of income for the future if my Sindorei has decided that “this” decision was too much for his masculinity to bear.  I know in my heart that I made the right decision for me, however, I don’t know if it was the right decision for my marriage.

Amyn

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s