Panderia…Back To The Grind

Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author.

February 19th

Dear Journal,

I can tell you how it feels to have your family scattered to the four corners of Azeroth.  It feels lonely and it feels as if a part of yourself is constantly missing.  Your heart is torn in all those directions, which means you are living a shattered existence at best.  I rarely see my children and I rarely see old friends like I did before this war started.  What makes this war any different than any of the wars that were fought through before?  It’s on a totally different continent that traveling between the other continents more tedious than ever before.  Time will takes its toll on all of us with this new conflict – the separation and the division of the family units will definitely make it one of the hardest wars we’ve ever faced.

As an Ambassador to the Horde as well as a Ranger Commander, I feel that my usefulness in this conflict is extremely limited to the point of being almost non-existent.  Of course, our Warchief has made it extremely difficult to negotiate any kind of treaty with our foes because he would much rather try to slaughter his enemies without realizing the loss of life involved as long as his “own” life is not put on the line.  I’ve honestly never seen anything like this in my long life.  I know that both sides have made overtures to the other in hopes that we could stem the bloodshed, even for a short time, only to see the negotiations cut off in midsession.  Why call the Ambassadors together at all?  That’s my point.  Why expend the energy required to pull all of these people together when it is only a means of trying to placate someone momentarily.

I was able to slip away to be with Amyn for a  while and I will admit that it was an extremely joyous time in Feralas.   We’ve not had that much time alone together since we got married, the house was always full of people and the children were always underfoot.  It truly did feel like old times and we took advantage of that time like any man and woman would.

I didn’t even mind the rain.  We could take shelter in our tent and just listen to the drops of water hitting the canvas and we could talk.  Oh, how we talked.  We discussed the fact that we were both away from our children too much although there isn’t much that can be done about that.  I also enjoyed being able to hold her in my arms as we lay there under the furs.  My heart longs for that to be the norm again.

I can at least see Kal from time to time when I know that no one is around, even get in a conversation now and again.  Of course, we’ve had to watch our step due to the fact that I know that I am being watched by some of my subordinates to make sure that I am not a “traitor to the cause” by associating with a Kaldorei.  If they only knew how much I associate with one particular Kaldorei, they would have their heads spinning and I’d probably be dead.

I keep glancing out the window at Kal’s farm.  He must be off on duty or away because I only see the girl out in the fields right now.  She reminds me a lot of the young woman that I am married too – not just in appearance, also in the way that she moves around the property.  She’s very attractive even with the Sentinel tattoos on her face.   I know that Dawnglory finds her attractive too, which causes me some concern and I’ve told him to stay away from someone that could be as deadly as anything he has ever encountered on a one-to-one basis.   Besides, it would only cause strife within the family and I know that he wouldn’t want to be a part of that since he and his sister are so closely linked to mine through our relationship.

I do know that I am watching my son grow up before my eyes.  He came to Panderia a very inexperienced young man and I’m watching him turn into a true Kaldorei male.  No, he wouldn’t ever be subservient to the Sentinels that he works with, however, I have seen interact with this girl on his farm and they seem to be as closely matched as Amyn and I were at that age.  I hope that he is finding some happiness in this war – he definitely loves his farm.  I’ve never seen a young fellow work as hard as he does with the way he keeps “fixing” his house and the fences.  It does make me proud.

Funny thing is, when I came back to Panderia after leaving my Sentinel wife in Feralas, it was raining here too.  I just wish that she was here with me so that we could enjoy the farm and the house together.  There are days that I am quite envious of Kal having that girl with him on his farm.   He says it’s platonic and that they aren’t sleeping together but at least he has the female companionship that I would give my right arm to have right now.

I’ve already been back to our command center this morning and have given out the orders for the day before returning to Halfhill.  I can sit here and listen to the rain, watch the lightning play high up in the clouds and just relax.   Yes, I have my coffee and yes, I have my cigarettes, so, everything is fine in that regard.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had to live the of the celibate bachelor though and I find it somewhat refreshing and daunting at the same time.  I can look at the women around here and I have no desire to negate my marriage vows to my wife.

The desertion rates are definitely up in my command and , to be honest, I’m not pursuing the people either.  I have no desire to force a young Sindorei back into the battlefields where it looks like we’re only being used as so much fodder to feed Garrosh’s war machine.  I have had a few come back and report in when they have discovered that there is no real escape for them on the continent.  Most of these desertions have been in the young recruits that have discovered that war is not the romantic illusion that they were led to believe.   The veterans of past conflicts all accept this situation as a matter of fact and they follow the orders handed down from on high, however, I can feel the morale isn’t like it was in the old days.  Some of the excitement is still there and that’s just the adrenalin kicking, however, the heart isn’t there.  We’re not fighting for the homeland, for Silvermoon or the Sindorei, we’ve been sold out to the Orcs and their greed.

If this rain ever stops this afternoon, Pan and I will probably go out and do some basic hunting and fishing.  The farm can wait a day for me to go out there and pull weeds while I have my mind on daydreaming about my wife. Those precious few days in Feralas only make me long for the time when she will be here with me, when we can arrange for that to happen.

Fnor Morningstar

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