Emotional Rollercoaster…It’s Complicated

March 14th

Dear Journal,

Kae finally told me the truth about what she has been doing all of these months. I wasn’t shocked and I definitely wasn’t surprised when she told me that she had been spying on me for the Sentinel hierarchy at the camp.  I always felt like there was something there that didn’t quite match up with what her lips were saying to me sometimes and that’s why our friendship, while very close, was never going to go any further than it had.  I didn’t completely trust her.

I think what brought all of this to a head to where she finally felt compelled to tell me what she had done was due to the fact that when we returned from our long distance scouting mission, the same old name calling, the smirks, the sly winks and the way that our comrades were treating us both. 

Kae is a friendly soul and she has effectively been cut off from the other Sentinels due to our relationship – what that relationship is will be determined in the future. The teasing and the taunting didn’t bother me as much because it’s something that I have to deal with most of my life because I was different, my heritage separated me from both races – Kaldorei and Sindorei. However, Kae’s friendship with me has cost her dearly and almost cost her our friendship as well.

When we were standing in the house in Halfhill and all she would do was to snap at me anytime I said anything or just glare at me when I would try to talk to her finally brought my temper to a head because I can stand the abuse from the others, not from her.  I finally just told her that if she was so miserable living with me, she could just pack her bags and go back to the camp.  I never realized how those words just cut through everything that was going on in her mind until she looked at me with those big tears welling in her eyes and her lips trembling.

When she started talking, it was like I had released an emotional dam inside of her as well as myself.  I know that my first reaction was a quick burning flash of anger that changed over to something else entirely.  When those tears in her eyes started rolling down her face, her voice choked with tears as she spoke – I just wanted to hold her in my arms and try to soothe her fears like I have done many times with my siblings.

I don’t know how long we stood there in the house, me holding her in my arms as she sobbed her story out about what all she had done.  I know she couldn’t see the tears in my own eyes nor could she feel the ache in my chest as I held her close to my body.  Poor woman had allowed herself to be put into a very precarious and compromising position by those people in command – one that could have put her own loyalty in question just by her association with me and our allegiance as friends.

She has been my only real friend since I have been Panderia and the only confidant that I had.  How much of that confidential information went back to the commanders will always be an unknown for me unless she decides to tell me things more specifically, which, I have a feeling that she withheld a lot from them as well.

Just standing there holding her was something that I have really never experienced.  It made me feel like I wanted to protect her from any more pain caused by anyone, especially the other Sentinels. I couldn’t help but notice how tiny she really was, how fragile her body seemed to be as she sobbed out her story. I just wanted to hold her and make the rest of the world disappear so that we could go back to being just Kae and Kal, best friends.  However, my heart was telling me that my feelings probably went a bit deeper than the friendship.

I know I was smiling as I smoothed down her long hair and looked into that tear stained face, however, what she couldn’t see or feel was how my heart was just pounding. I wanted to just stand there and hold her in my arms forever if that’s what it took to take the pain away from the both of us.  One thing I really wanted to do was go back to the camp and just beat the crap out of the people that had hurt us both.

When we went to the Jade Temple a little while later, I could tell that her emotions were still a bit raw, however, we talked some more.  I found out more about her as a person.  Poor thing really hasn’t ever had a family – she was raised commune fashion, drifting from one home to another and not really putting down any familial roots – she was truly alone amongst a crowd of people. I know that she’s not the only child that has been raised that way, however, it almost broke my heart to hear her talk about it.

 It was the only life that she had known before she joined the Sentinels. She also told me that she’s had relationships with other men, her first sexual encounter was more of a rite of passage than anything that had any real meaning to it – you are a woman and this is what you do was the way that it was presented to her.  I could feel my heart melting and, yet, I could relate to what she had been through, my first encounter was on a dare, I had no feelings for the person, I just wanted to prove to my buddies that I was just as much a man as they were even though I was only half Kaldorei.

I know that my feelings toward Kae have changed quite a bit since our talk.  They are definitely more tender, more protective and deeper.  Is this the “love” for a woman that I have always heard about and have never experienced?

I know that I would have much rather have just held her in my arms and kissed her, which I did do for the first time than to be down there at the Temple doing laundry. A part of me wanted that kiss to go on forever and my body definitely wanted to do more than just hold her in my arms, however, it was not the right time and place for that sort of reaction – or so I made myself believe.

The village was pretty much asleep when we got back to Halfhill and I think that we were both emotionally spent at that point.  As we put our things away, I couldn’t help but notice how she moved around the house, so graceful, so beautiful at the same time.  When we got ready for bed, she stepped behind the screen to slip into  her nightgown and I crawled under the furs on my bed.  When she emerged from behind that screen, I could still see that “little girl” look, even behind those Sentinel tattoos and I just wanted to hold her in my arms. So, me being me, I invited her to my bed so that I could just hold her in my arms, giving her comfort as well as comforting myself.

I guess part of me wanted to take things to another level, however, the emotional drain and these past few weeks of scouting had taken a physical toll on me.  I held her in my arms, feeling her body close against mine. I could even hear her heart beating as I held her – I fell asleep with such a feeling of relief and happiness that I think I slept like the dead.  If she had wanted to take the relationship to a higher physical level, I think I would have tried to respond, however, I may have fallen asleep anyway, no matter how much I may have desired her.

This whole thing has changed our relationship, it’s more intimate on an emotional plane. Now, when I look at her, it feels different and my mind is just spinning with all kinds of thoughts.  She is my best friend here in Panderia and the closest person to me that I have ever had outside of my family. Even her smile looks warmer and let’s just say that her body is more inviting to me than it ever has been before. If we take this relationship to a more intimate setting, what will this do to the other things going on in my life? What about the feelings that I have for Josie, which are very deep – not to the level I have for Kae right now, however, I still have them.

I know that she has made me realize how much I respect her as a person, not just as a woman.  It has made me realize that there could be more in life than just romping around together as comrades.  Friends are one thing, lovers are another.  Will this change everything and will it ruin the closeness that we have right now or will it deepen it?   I have so many questions rolling through my mind and no one to talk too about it.   Damn, I wish I could just walk over to my Dad’s house and talk to him, however, I can’t because too many people are out and about – it wouldn’t be good for either one of us for people to see us talking together.

I did get a letter from my Mother.  I know that I couldn’t help but smile and chuckle to myself when I read it.  She is in Panderia and actually not too far away from us.  There is a note in the letter for Dad too which I need to get to him as soon as possible.  I could well imagine that if she showed up on his doorstep right now, it would give the poor guy a heart attack. At least I know that Mom and Dad will be happy once they can find a way to be together up here.  Well, that gives me another person to talk too about the situation that I am in – when she gets here.  

Things could get complicated.



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