In A Quandry…It’s A Guy Thing

April 5th

Dear Journal,

I know that Kae and I are both just worn out.  We go out on our scouting patrols and then, come back to the camp and farm to do more work.  Oh, I don’t mind working hard and it’s something that I’ve always done, however, I think it’s getting to the point that we need a vacation of sorts. I haven’t had a real leave in quite a while and I think it’s about time for me to put in for one with Kae.

Oh, no, I’m not going to go on leave right away, I’m still waiting patiently for my Mother to get into Halfhill so that Kae can meet her and to see Mom finally get together with my Father again too.  I know that is going to be one of those real sappy meetings after all of this time, however, I know that they will both be happy again. They’ve been apart before, however, I wasn’t really old enough to understand how much it would bother them, plus, I knew that my Mother was always worried that he wouldn’t come back each time he left her. Now, I know better and understand a bit more.

Oh, I understand about his involvement with the women of his own race and even an engagement of sorts and that my Mother was his, then, mistress.  However, that must have been extremely hard on her, she’s a very proud woman. I think there were a few times in the past that I actually hated him for what he was doing to Mom and how he would just saunter in as if nothing had happened and expect to pick up where he left off.  I think I understand the why of it now that I’m older but back then, I was very confused about the relationship.  Oh, that’s definitely all changed now, they got married in the Sindorei fashion when we were living in Dalaran and he finally realized that he already had a ready-made family and didn’t have to necessarily have a Sindorei wife to make him happy.

I think that’s why I’m a little bit apprehensive about relationships. Oh, I have had a few relationships and a few flings here and there, however, nothing long lasting.  Now, the situation that I am in with Kae and Josie really feels awkward and I don’t want to hurt either one of them.  However, I know that one day I am going to have to make a choice and hurt one of them…or I could just end up losing them both.

It’s funny how my common sense tells me to do one thing and my heart keeps pulling me in both directions. Is it love or is it lust?  I know my body is telling me that it’s lust when I wake up at night and have this lovely Kaldorei woman lying in bed next to me and I ache to take her. Sometimes it is almost painful.  Oh, sometimes it’s more than painful and that’s when I get out of bed and start walking around away from the temptation.

I’m sitting here this morning at the farm, it’s raining outside and I’m writing in my journal while I watch Kae sleeping.  Her long white hair spread out on the pillows like a fan, one breast slightly exposed and her lips are parted slightly as she breathes softly. All I want to do is to take her in my arms, kiss those lips and feel her body respond to mine.  Is that wrong?  I know she wants me, she’s told me often enough and those sly little brushes of her hand on my inner thigh when we’re sitting close together sometimes really make me want to do more than just talk. My body wants her, my mind is telling me to proceed with caution and my heart – well, my heart is telling me that this woman may be one that I could have extremely strong feelings for. Do I love her? I’m not sure that I really know the true meanings of that word either. I know that I care about her, that I want her with me all of the time and that when she isn’t around, I am worried about her and lonely for her company.

As for Josie, I have feelings for her too.  I know that we were rushing headlong there for a while but nothing ever really happened.  We were friends, we kissed and I know that we teased one another on more than a few occasions but was there a spark there?  At times there were some stronger feelings, however, our infrequency of keeping in touch with one another put a damper on that pretty much, I think.  Then, I have to think about a few other things. Our races are totally different, she looks human most of the time and I’ve never seen the Worgen appear when we are together. It’s like two totally different people all packaged up in one body.  The last time that we met, it was rather awkward because we were talking with each other while Harrier looked on – observing like some kind of bodyguard or something.

When Harrier heard that I was in Pandaria with a group of Sentinels, you could see the look on his face that told me straight away that he knew what some of my other duties with that group would be.  I also mentioned that I had a farm and one of the Sentinels was living with me which almost made his ears flap like they had been caught in a windstorm. Let’s face it, the fellow doesn’t care for me because of my involvement with Josie.  I don’t know what the relationship is between the two of them, however, there are times that it makes me feel like I’m intruding into someone else’s private area. He’s a Kaldorei, he knows what Sentinels can be sometimes and his disdain of the group was very apparent when I was talking to Josie.

Since Josie and I hadn’t heard from each other since right before Winter Veil, we both agreed that we would take our relationship back to square one and start over.  Just be friends and try to keep in touch with one another.  I was almost sure that it was a kiss off and that I would never hear from her again.  Well, she surprised me and wrote within the first week after we had met.  She wanted to see me again in Stormwind, I suppose.  I wrote her back and said that I would be happy to see her and for her to let me know when and I would be there – well, I haven’t heard anything back from her.  I wonder if Harrier has told her what some of my other duties would be with the Sentinels?  I would almost bet my farm that he has and that is why I haven’t heard back from her.  Little does Harrier know that I haven’t fulfilled that role with the Sentinels, not even with Kae.

I know that if I talked with my Dad’s best friend about this situation, I know what his reaction would be.  He’d want to bed them both and would, without any kind of remorse about it.  If I talked to my Father, he would have had the same reaction as Dawnglory a few years ago, however, now, I know that he would feel differently. Why am I losing sleep over this and why am I letting it mess with my mind so much?  I wish I knew. I’m almost afraid to think of what my Mother would say about the situation and it’s a guy thing. It would be really hard to talk to her about it especially after she clouted me upside the head and would tell me to get my head out of my butt.  Oh, she’s got a temper and I know that she would tell me that it’s foolishness and that I should do what my feelings are telling me to do.  I just wish that I could get those feelings sorted out a bit more. I wish I was a bit older and more experienced with this sort of thing – maybe it’s not as bad as it feels right now.

I’ll admit that I have been living with Kae longer than I have any other woman other than my Mother.  We’re best friends and we enjoy the time together more and more. I know that I trust Kae with everything and I’ve told her stuff that I would never tell anyone else – I trust her even though I know that she has been reporting things back to the Commander at camp from time to time concerning my loyalty to the Alliance.  I know that all of that has changed since we had our conversation about that after she disclosed what she had been doing. Do I actually tell her “everything” that goes through my mind? No.

Now, I’m still in a quandary with the situation and even writing about it isn’t clearing my head like it usually does. I’m kind of laughing here because if I did what my body is always telling me to do, I’d have landed in that group of Sentinels like an animal and nailed every one of them within the first week after my arrival in Pandaria. They are a very attractive group of women, if you could ignore some of the personalities. Luckily, I’m not the only male assigned to the group and I’m happy of that fact.  So, I think I had better listen to my mind and my heart a little bit more.

Ah well, I guess I ought to get off my backside and make something warm for breakfast to wake Kae up.  We can decide what we’re going to do for the day with all of this rain. Maybe I should go stand in the cold rain for a while and get my body to stop screaming at me for something that could truly upset the apple cart?  Maybe I should go talk to one of the Pandaren and learn how to “meditate” on what is troubling me – seems to work for them, lucky guys.





4 thoughts on “In A Quandry…It’s A Guy Thing

    • Oh, I think he knows it and just doesn’t want to deal with it right now – torn between his wants and needs is going to make him a bit cranky if he’s not careful. Thanks for reading the blog and commenting.

    • Hehe, yes, he could and he doesn’t hate Harrier, he just doesn’t know him that well. They started off on the wrong foot with Kal hitting on his girl friend – what can I say?

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