Longing, Wanting and Lonliness…(Letter Included)


Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author

April 11th

Dear Journal,

Did you ever do something that you wished that you hadn’t?  Well, last night was my night for doing just that and I can’t say that I feel that much better this morning.  Oh, nothing to do with my personal life at all except that I don’t have one that is of much worth at the moment. I know that I can’t even take the pleasure that I normally get with my coffee and cigarettes today.

I went to the Faire last night, I don’t really know why I did such a thing, however, I needed to get away from everyone for a little while. I thought that possibly if I got away from Pandaria and everyone here, I could lose myself in the crowds at the Faire for a little while.  Oh, the crowds were there and the same things were there, I was the one out of place.

The last time that I had gone to the Faire was with Amyn and the boys before all of this “war” started in the name of Hellscream – not the Horde.  If they took  a poll about how many people wanted to be here in regard to the claims by our illustrious Warchief, they might get a few people to respond in the affirmative.

I couldn’t help but remember the fun that we had with the kids at the Faire, they way my two sons acted is still a fond memory in my mind and the way the two youngest boys enjoyed everything was something that I guess that I should cherish.  It seems that those days are long lost in the past and I was just a very lonely married man roaming the Faire alone last night.  I would hear a woman laughing and I could feel my heart break just a little bit more. I know that I tried to relax and enjoy myself a little bit and it only brought my loneliness and my hatred of what has changed to light even more.

Light! I miss my wife.  The way that only she could laugh and the way that her face would light up when she saw me come striding through the door of our home.  Oh, how I miss that.  I miss the intimacy of my marriage bed, the way that we could pleasure with one another for hours on end, providing the kids were willing to let us have that time alone.  My whole body just aches with the longing to be able to take her in my arms again.

I keep hearing the rumors about more Sentinels moving into Krasarang and into the Kun’lai areas, however, no Amyn yet.  I did get a letter from her that she had gotten to Kal and I know roughly where she is and I keep heading to Halfhill in hopes that she will be there.  I know that the people in my command post are noticing my distraction and that is just something that they are going to have to deal with.  I’m a man that wants his woman…not just any woman, I want my wife.

It’s not just a physical longing that I am having, it’s that longing that you have when you love someone and you have been apart for too long.  I miss those talks that we could have about the children, the businesses that we both operate when we’re not doing our duty for our factions.  I just miss the companionship and the way that we always felt like we were meant to be together. I know that it has caused both of us trouble in our lives, however, it has also brought so much happiness that I honestly don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to her.

I suppose I could have asked Dawnglory to go with me last night, however, I wasn’t in the mood for company.  I don’t know what I was in the mood for other than just getting away and trying to forget all of the things that I have seen and done since this military action started.  My adoptive Father always told me that you couldn’t run away from your responsibilities and most of all, you couldn’t run away from yourself.

I think that is what I was trying to do in a way last night.  I was running away from all of the stresses of a command position, away from the loneliness and away from the area that I can seem to love and hate at the same time.  I wanted to go home again.  I wanted to go home to my wife and my children and have it the way that it was before all of this happened.  Home is where the heart is?  No, home is where the people you love are.

I’ll admit that I was sitting there at the Faire and I had a few drinks, just to see if I could get rid of these feelings.  The feelings of loneliness, the feelings of loss and most of all the feelings that I may never have what I did before this war started.  I want to resign my position and go back to running my business like I did before and most of all, back to living the life that I had before.  My resignation has been submitted several times and has been refused every single time.

I know that I took an Oath to serve the Horde, however, what I have seen happening since Theramore has been more than enough to make me want to retch.  How many letters have I written to families about how their sons or daughters fought bravely for the Horde, however, they would never again be there again – they were dead.  Lok’tar O’gar!

There is no honor in dying if you looked at it from a humane perspective – how long will your memory live after you’re not longer living?  Not long.  I have written so many letters to the people in Silvermoon that I feel like there should some kind of form letter where you just filled in the name, the date and the place where they were killed in their service.  No, each letter I send out is written for the individual and my personal regrets in sending the news to the family is sorely felt.

I think that one of the things that is disturbing me more and more is the fact that I can literally see my son’s house and I know that he is there and I can’t just walk over and talk to him.  I miss having that freedom to give him a hug or even to act like I’m related to him at all.  It almost breaks my heart to see him out in the fields and all I can do is to give him a cursory wave.  I want more of the relationship that we were building before the war – I want to be his Father and not just that Sindorei that lives next door.

I made my way back to Halfhill last night and I don’t even know how I managed to do that without making a complete fool out of myself.  I had a few more drinks alone here at the house and found myself weeping uncontrollably.  I thank the Light that no one decided to stop by that late for a visit. I don’t normally let my emotions run so freely, however, I think it was an accumulation of things that hit me all at once.  I know that I am getting to the point that I can’t take this anymore, I can’t compartmentalize it in my mind like I have been able to in the past.  It feels like an open wound that has had salt poured into it and is just a constant ache and yearning.

I must have been in a pretty bad way because even Pan was trying to offer me what comfort he could with all of the nuzzling and gentle licks he kept giving me.  He’s still giving some rather strange looks as well as coming up and laying his head on my leg with a paw reaching up into my lap.  How many years has he watched me go through all of these emotional trials and I keep forgetting that he somehow understands me better than anyone else.  He’s getting old, so am I, however, he will always be with me until the end – for either one of us.

Fnor Morningstar

***************************************************************************************************

My Darling Wife,

When I’m alone with you, you make me feel whole again.  You make me feel young again and that we have our whole lives in front of us gain.  When we’re apart, I feel as if there were part of me missing and that hole in my life is because you’re not here with me.

When I’m alone with you, you make me feel that I am the luckiest man in Azeroth and that any success that I have in my life is because we’re together. You make each and every day seem like it is a new beginning that will go on to eternity.

I never realized how much my whole life has become totally blended with yours until these long weeks of waiting for us to be reunited in Pandaria. 

Oh, my darling Sentinel, your fire and your gentleness is what I live for.  Without you, there is no life and only an existence of an empty shell of a man.

Please hurry as fast as you can, Beloved.  I don’t care what the politics are in this land, if we have to run away to be together, it will be so – we are never going to be separated like this again, I give you my word on that. We have the blessings of Elune and the Light to guide us on our pathways in this life.

With all of my love and life,

Fnor

 

6 thoughts on “Longing, Wanting and Lonliness…(Letter Included)

    • Fnor and his wife have been separated since Winter Veil – he is a Ranger and she is a Sentinel. She has been in Pandaria and slowly making her way to where she thinks he might be. They have been together for quite a while prior to Pandaria and have two sons, which is the hard part for them both. Glad you enjoyed the blog and I hope that you will continue to read it – there will be “more adventures to come”.

  1. I seldom drop remarks, however I browsed a few of the
    responses on Longing, Wanting and Lonliness(Letter Included) | wowstorylines.
    I do have 2 questions for you if you do not mind. Is
    it only me or do some of these responses appear as if they are coming from
    brain dead folks? 😛 And, if you are writing at other sites, I would like to keep up with you.
    Could you post a list of the complete urls of your social community sites like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?

    • Most people tend to keep their comments down to a minimum because they read quite a few blogs – no, they aren’t brain-dead in any way shape or form. Any comments left help and author know that their audiences are paying attention and sometimes will give the author an idea as to how to continue with a specific project.

      Currently, I am only publishing on Word Press and I don’t have any other URLS to give you for my social community sites. I write my blogs here on Word press and that is the extent of my socializing on the internet. You never know if someone asking for this information might be an okay person or some kind pervert. I have had stalkers in the past and therefore, any personal information that you might have been hoping for is locked in my head. If you truly want to follow the blog, please do so.

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