If I ever see another latrine pit or smell that smell again, I think I’ll just end it all. I know that it was meant as a punishment for my leave without permission and I suppose that I should consider myself lucky that it wasn’t somewhat worse. It also didn’t help matters any that Kae and I had our first real argument either.
I’ve been stuck in the camp for the better part of the week and wasn’t “allowed” to go back to the farm during that time period as part of the punishment. I hated having to bunk down with the other men in the camp because there were always women coming in and picking a fellow and off they would go to do their duty. They ought to just call us camp followers or something because that is the way that we are treated when we aren’t on duty.
I know that one of the guys was picked to go with Kae on our normal scouting routine and I was expecting him to come back bragging about his latest conquest. He came back alright, however, he was very quiet about his time out in the field with her. At least he was only out there in the field with her for two days and not the usual four days that we normally do our scouting. I do know that his reputation has been that he would go out, do his military duty and then service the Sentinel that he was working with. Well, I don’t think there was any “servicing” done this time because he came back looking like he had been through a meat grinder – black eyes, split lip and I think his nose may have been broken. I guess that was Kae’s way of telling him that she wasn’t interested in his advances or “services” to be rendered.
I know that I have always just refused to accommodate the Sentinels like this in the past, however, after talking with some of the men here in camp it became apparent that I was just kidding myself and that I should just do it like some animal and be done with it. Of course, one of the older fellows told me that the way that he did it was to visualize his mate in his mind and just keep that fantasy going and it made it easier. Well, for one thing, I don’t have a mate, I have Kae and I was afraid that it would be too difficult to keep that fantasy going. Yeah, naturally, I have had some fantasies about her even though we’ve not actually done anything. However, my fantasies about Kae were much more romantic than what these women were wanting.
Luckily for me, I only got picked once and the Sentinel just wanted to talk and do some heavy petting. The whole thing was rather weird and it left me feeling a bit strange afterwards. I guess this one has a history of that with the other fellows and they call her The Talker. I found out a lot about her in that one evening that I didn’t even want to know about. I think she is just lonely and maybe she hasn’t ever had sex with a man, who knows? Or, I could just be that ugly, I don’t know. All we did was talk about her life and experiences, which was pretty weird and she didn’t want to know anything about me at all. I guess she didn’t realize that I was the half-breed in the camp. It still left me feeling kind of cheap and used, I suppose this is how the prostitutes feel when they get their gold.
I’ve already decided that the benefits of servicing these women doesn’t make me feel that great and I am going to avoid it even more in the future than what I have in the past. It made me just feel awful, like some kind of stud being used to service a herd of like-kind animals and then being lead away from them when the task was done. Nope, this is one man that is going to be playing very hard to get in the future, more so than I have in the past. I don’t care if it gets me in more trouble either because my self-esteem is more important to me. I’m not like some of the other guys that laugh and chalk it up as a conquest and brag about it.
I don’t even think that I am going to mention it to Kae at all, however, I will start avoiding the camp even more. I don’t want to be treated like some kind of male whore because it’s just not worth the effort. I know that I volunteered to join the war effort with the Sentinels because I felt like it was something that I needed to do after Theramore.
I don’t know if I was just following it because of my patriotism or just knowing that I felt like I needed to do something. Maybe it was my thought to become more acceptable to the other people, I don’t know. Now that I look back on things, I think that I was just trying to fit in more with the Kaldorei because of my heritage and I think that some of it was to prove to my Father that I was a grown man and was rebelling against him in some way. Maybe I was just try to prove all of that to myself and it had nothing to do with his going back to his duty to the Horde.
Theramore was a horrible thing and it was what started all of this. Naturally, other things have happened since then – the Kirin’Tor in Dalaran lead by Jaina Proudmore was far worse in my eyes. As my Grandfather in Dolonaar always told me “Two Wrongs don’t make a Right,” which is absolutely true. Both things were despicable and unforgiveable. I’m shocked that with what I know of King Varian that he didn’t go on a rampage after the first incident and that he didn’t just disavow any affiliation with Lady Proudmore.
I hope that when I do get to go back to the farm that Kae and I can talk about our fight. I know that the whole thing was just stupid and it was me defending what my family business is about. Kae will just have to accept my explanations about the supplies in the warehouse and if she can’t, well, I don’t know what we will do. I don’t think of it as being a traitor, which makes my Mom one too and she is anything but that. We’re, the family, is a business and we’re in that business to make a profit, plain and simple. I know that she was yelling at me about turning the other cheek and giving supplies to the Horde so that they could kill more of our people. I tried to explain to her that it was for the rebellion, for the people that were going to try to overthrow the Warchief and stop the war. I wish that I had never taken Kae to the warehouse in Stormwind after the Faire because it has caused nothing but trouble between us.
There are days that I wish that I had never left Stormwind and came to Pandaria. I know that I truly love Pandaria, it’s like everything that I have ever heard about the “old days” and how things were when my parents met. If it weren’t for the war, the place would be truly a paradise and maybe when all of this is over, it will be that way. I wish the war would just stop now.
I know that I sound like a whiny little kid or something when I read back in this entry. If this is what it means to grow-up, I wish I could stay a kid instead of being a grown man. Life sure wasn’t as complicated when I was younger.