There Is A Difference…

April 4th

Dear Journal,

I know that I haven’t written in a few days because it has been busy here on the farm and I haven’t had the opportunity to be alone very much.  Oh, I don’t mind it that Kae has been so attentive since I got back from my ordeal in the camp, however, I think that I do need to talk with her and explain that there are times a fellow needs some time to himself. I think that it is all part of what happened when I did get back from camp.

I know that I was just exhausted from all of the manual labor digging those latrine pits and not really sleeping all that well in the communal tent with the other guys. Do you know how loud snoring can get when you cram about twenty guys in a tent?  I know I’d doze off and someone would start snoring, someone would yell at them to stop and then someone else would start snoring and the whole thing would start all over again.  Of course, you then have guys talking to each other at all hours and some of them are about as subtle as a tram wreck with some of the things that they were discussing.

I just know that after the third night of trying to sleep, I was starting to doze off on my feet when I would stop shoveling for any length of time.  Sure, I’ve slept in a tent with a group of guys before but it has been a while and I don’t think that I want to ever go back to that lifestyle again.  Besides, when we were traveling through the Jade Forest and beyond, the tents were much smaller and I’d only have to tolerate two or three others in there with me.  I guess when a main camp is setup, they bring out the “big” tents. 

I honestly don’t know what happened.  I know that I walked down the road to the farm and I was so tired that I could barely put one foot in front of the other one and the road seemed to go on for days rather than the few quick strides it normally takes.  It must have been from the fatigue and from the fact that I just felt like I had been used up emotionally and physically.   The one thing I had on my mind was to have a decent bath, thoroughly wash my hair, shave and get a decent meal in my belly because those are things that I hadn’t had in that miserable week of digging pits.

I mean, I deliberately didn’t shave and I deliberately didn’t wash like I normally would just to make myself even less attractive to any  of the women that were constantly watching what I was doing.  If I made myself as unattractive as possible, they would leave me alone – it actually worked out rather well. I’ll admit that I was getting to the point that I couldn’t stand my own smell and felt like I hadn’t bathed in years.  Oh, I’d wash my hands before I ate, however, the rest of me was just neglected .  I know that I looked terrible and smelled twice as bad.

When I got to the farm, I saw Kae standing on the steps of the farmhouse and the next thing I knew she was in my arms kissing me and I responded. I don’t even know how I had the energy to respond, however, the body took over and I think my mind just slipped into neutral.  I had planned on talking to her about the things that had happened in camp and to let her know that I wasn’t still angry with her about the things that she had said before I went to serve my “punishment” time at the camp.  However, all of those things were just forgotten in a few heartbeats.

I know it had been a very long time since I had been with a woman on such an intimate level and this sure wasn’t what I had in my mind when I got home, however, it must have been on Kae’s mind a lot more than I had thought.  It definitely wasn’t what I had envisioned for the two of us if something like this were to happen – I had planned in my mind something a bit more romantic and a bit more meaningful. 

I don’t know how she stood it, I know I smelled to high heaven and probably looked worse than I ever have in my life, however, that didn’t seem to matter.  We had sex very roughly and as quickly as you would have expected for two people to have after having been celibate for as long as we had.  Then, we made love – there is a difference, you know.  I’ll admit that I was very surprised at how my best friend turned into being a lover in an instant – it actually had me quite shaken.

Oh, I have been with other women in the past and I’ve had feelings for other women, however, this time it just felt totally different.  I don’t know how to put it down in words other than to say that it felt “right” and it felt like it had some long lasting meaning.  I’m not going to use the word Love, I’m not sure that I really know what that means at this stage in my life. I just know that I have never felt like this before and it frightens me to my very core.

Let’ s just say that my first night back from the camp was anything but restful although it was more enjoyable than anything that I have ever experienced in my life.  I guess it didn’t matter what I looked or smelled like, we were just taking pleasure and comfort with each other with such wild abandon that nothing else mattered.

When I woke up early the next afternoon, I know that my muscles ached and the first thing that I noticed was that the bed was just filthy, not only from the lovemaking but also from the fact that my body was just nasty.  You know it’s bad when you can’t stand yourself. I was going to get out of bed and get some hot water going so that I could at least wash off some of the grime and Kae walked in.  Thank heavens the tub was just barely big enough for the two of us and we both laughed at what had happened like two little kids.  Of course I’m going to be stuck with the nickname of Stinky Lover for the rest of my days, I’m sure. 

Did all of this change our relationship?  You can bet that it did.  I know that there is a tenderness there with Kae that I had never realized before and my own feelings have changed.  Not only is she my best friend in all of Pandaria, she is now something more.   All of these months of sleeping together without doing anything and living together and I never realized how much her presence really meant to me until now.  I just know that it has changed a whole lot of the feelings that I had had for other women, now, I have one woman that I care deeply about.

Now, I just have to convince this fiery Sentinel that she doesn’t have to be so attentive.  I’m the same fellow that she lived with before and I don’t feel comfortable with all of the coddling.  I was fully capable of making my own meals before and doing my own laundry – it isn’t her job to make sure that I am taken care of or that I am taking care of myself. I’m not going to say that I dislike all of the attention, however, I think she needs to turn it down a notch or two before it becomes suffocating to the both of us.  She’s a lot more touchy-feely now than she used to be. As for the sleeping arrangements, well, let’s just say that it is a lot more intimate than it was before and I am not going to push that away, it’s been so long since either one of us has had a partner on a regular basis like that.

I think that we’re still learning more things about one another too.  Like how I like to hog all of the covers and sprawl all over the bed.  She likes to sleep in the bed as neatly as she does everything else, while I just seem to be some big oaf that will roll up in the covers and leave her with a corner of the furs to cover up with.   I also used to eat in bed and that seems to be a no-no now since we both like to sleep sans clothing – that means no more melon before I fall asleep. Never seemed to bother her before but I guess it does now. We’re just going to have to learn how to be friends and lovers so that one doesn’t cancel out the other. We need to rebuild the rapport that we had before everything changed.

I was always the one that got up first in the morning and started breakfast and now, she beats me out of bed.  I used to like to get up in the morning while the dawn was breaking and have some of that coffee that my Father likes and to just write in my journal or sit on the steps and watch the sun come up – alone.  Now, I’m never alone, I don’t have that “me” time that I always have had in the past.

I guess we’ll work all of the little things out as time goes on because they are just minor nits, however, I know that we aren’t going to be able to allow ourselves the luxury of letting our feelings become publicly known.  She is my scouting partner and what we do in our off-time needs to stay in that time period.  No, I can’t see us walking through camp holding hands or anything like that, it would just cause trouble.  I mean she is Kaldorei and I’m not full-blooded.  I’ve never felt like a freak of nature or anything of that sort, however, we both don’t need the verbal harassing that we would get if those other Sentinel women thought there was more going on.

My feelings are my own and to be honest, I do feel more protective of Kae than I did before, however, I’m not going to allow myself to sacrifice our friendship for a few hours under the furs.  We can be lovers and still be friends, I know we can because I’ve seen my own parents live their lives that way.  I know it’s hard to think about your parents doing it but I have three siblings running around that prove that they have.

Sure, I could say that every time I see Kae now, it’s different.  I can feel my heart jump a few times when I see her walk down the road from the market and I always have been one to meet her on the road to help carry things, however, now, it feels different.  I’m happy, I’m enjoying what we have together although I know that it could be torn apart so easily by a change in orders or even the cruel taunts that we will get when we are in camp.  We’re not mated, I don’t think that either one of us is really ready for that kind of commitment just yet – I know I’m not quite ready for it. Maybe someday when we’re both older. 

She’s not even met my whole family yet – that’s usually the breaking point in my relationships because they don’t understand the mixture of the Kaldorei/Sindorei thing that goes on so very naturally for all of us.  I think it frightens someone when they’ve never seen it in action – even meals are different because we have both kinds of foods and the talk at the table is a mixture of Thalassian, Darnassian, Orcish and Common sometimes. It takes some getting used to.  Well, we haven’t been able to have any of those large family gatherings since the war started. 

Some people still call this “war” an exploratory mission.  Well, if it’s exploratory, why in the name of Elune are we killing each other with such a vehemence that it’s brought the Sha back to life in a land that had known peace a lot longer than some of the humans have been around?  Oh well, I won’t get started on that because I’ll be sitting here writing in my journal all day and we’ve got plans to go soak in the water at the Jade Temple and to do this mountain of laundry.

You know, I hope those monks don’t mind all of the soap suds in the pools there at the Temple.  I don’t think anyone has ever asked them how they feel about that sort of thing.  I also want to go watch the monks practice a bit today if there is time – I’m intrigued by their training.

Kal

2 thoughts on “There Is A Difference…

  1. LOl, just enjoy it. Kal.. don’t be in such a hurry to put distance between yourselves.Now is a good time to develope a strong relationship and alliance, so when the trouble starts with the commander , you have each other’s backs. Great read.. !

  2. Hehe, Kal is still a pretty young fellow and he doesn’t want too do the wrong thing and he definitely doesn’t want someone to “tie” him down – he’s just nervous and new to the whole thing of having any kind of lasting relationship.

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