This War Is Different…

May 6th

Dear Journal,

I’m still trying to get back into some type of routine with the Sentinels.  I know that those few days that we had free in Halfhill were wonderful for me although I am still answering questions as to where I disappeared.  I have learned to smile and tell them that I was off exploring on my own, which in a way I was.

I know that I was so happy to be reunited with my husband.  Oh, those months of longing and the anticipation of being together again were more than enough to keep us closeted away in his little farmhouse for those few days.  I think that we made up for all of that lost time with the passions that we both exhibited.  What I enjoyed more than anything was to be able to wake up lying next to him in that wonderful Pandaren bed of his – I think we need to get one for our home in Nagrand.

I have been busy since then with my duties and learning the lay of the land and to see what all of the duties entail.  Scouting and patrolling just like any other time in war – more often than not, we will have a skirmish here and there just to test our mettle with our foes.  I know that each time I am involved in these things, I just pray that my Sindorei is not amongst the foes.

I did get to at least see my son in camp for a few minutes, although, it was too brief for me to express some of my thoughts to him  He has grown taller and he definitely looks more Kaldorei than Blood Elf these days.  The beard that he has decided to grow since he’s been gone definitely makes him look a tad bit older. How I longed to just be able to take him into my arms and to reassure him that he is doing everything “right” because I have heard some of the gossip here in the camp about him.

I never realized how cruel some of the Sentinels can be to an outsider until I was exposed to it full force in regard to my child. Oh, how I wanted to take up my bow and slaughter the lot of them was almost more than I can stand.  He is still a person, he is here in Pandaria doing his duty for his race and for his faction – let the kid live his life without the pain and suffering of being different. It almost broke my heart to see some of the things that have been done to him and the cruel barbs that were thrown in his direction by some of these women.

What is really hard for me right now is not being able to step forward and stand up for my child. Yes, he’s a grown man, however, he will always be child, no matter how old he gets.  I’ve changed his diapers when he was a baby and I’ve bandaged his hurts since he was old enough to get out amongst his peers.  His Father and I taught him well and I am seeing that this training is paying off with the benefits that he is giving to these Sentinels.  They may deride him of his heritage, however, not once have I heard any of them say that he is incapable of doing what must be done.

Now, I am sitting here this morning and wishing that I could take my son and we could both go join his Father again.  Me, to be with the man that I love and my son to get his self-esteem restored.  Poor Kal is having a tough time, however, I can see how he deals with the hurts that he is given with these people. It’s not wrong for a Mother to want to protect her child from such abuse.

I know that my Sindorei and I will have to be extremely careful in how we manage to get to spend some together.  I think that this war is very different from what we have dealt with in the past.  There is such a vehemence that has been created between the two factions due to the things that happened before we ever came to this land.

I am finally starting to garner more information about this Sha that the Pandaren talk about and it is being strengthened by the anger and the hatred that we brought with us from our homelands.  We have all seen the smaller versions of these creatures spring from the ground during a battle when our emotions are running at a high level and not only are we battling our foes, we are also battling the creations of our own emotions. 

I know that the other women and I have discussed these things and are in a wonder as to how we can control our emotions and our thoughts in order not to create something that we can’t defeat.  I know that I have spoken to my Commanders and have told them that not only do we have to hold fast to our beliefs in Elune, we also need to find a way to blend the teachings of the Pandaria people into that faith as well.  I’m no priestess, I’m a simple Sentinel, however, I know that we can’t fight a war on many fronts without something to bolster ourselves up.

As a Sentinel, I know that I am very capable of fighting and losing control of my emotions to the point that the viciousness that we are famed for is very evident.  However, there must be a way to control that in order to win this battle.  Oh, we’ve already seen the evidence and we have already been exposed to some of the possessions that have taken control over some of us, however, this war is comprised of not only our physical combat, it also comprised of our inner demons.  I wonder if the greed and the hatred hasn’t taken possession of the Horde Warchief and that is why he is willing to sacrifice everything for the power that he perceives in controlling for the betterment of his people?

Of course, I wish that Fnor and I had talked more of the war instead of our family when we were together, however, we had a lot of things that we needed to catch up with for our own personal sanity and physical well being.  He has been in this land longer than I have and I wonder if he has noticed some of the same things in regard to the Sha.  Surely, the Blood Elves,  of all the races represented here,  have some kind of defense against this kind of magic?

My heart is very torn since my arrival.  I want to spend time with my husband and yet I want to find a way to end this conflict.  War is something that we have both dealt with most of our lives and it is something that we have both hated. I know that there are so many lives at stake here and our future is most assuredly at risk. My poor Sindorei has definitely become very much involved in things that he shouldn’t if he is to survive this stupid war.

The woman in me just wants to be with her man and to be able to push all of this behind me and hide away from it. The Sentinel in me is conflicting with the woman in this war.

What I think I need right now is to get some rest before I leave on my next patrol which will be a long one.  My mind seems to be wandering back and forth at the moment – conflicting thoughts of a personal nature as well as conflicting thoughts in regard to my duty.  I’ve noticed that I am more fatigued of late and that could be my way of dealing with the climate and my own inner confusion.  I hope that it’s just the climate and not something that my Sindorei and I might have started when we were together. Bringing a baby into this war would not be a good thing for either one of us although the woman in me would be overjoyed.





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