Just Thoughts and Musings….

September 21st

Dear Journal,

I haven’t had much of an opportunity to write of late what with the duties with the Sentinels and trying to keep up with Kal most of the time.  It’s raining as per usual here in Halfhill; however, Kal decided that was the best time to pull weeds for some reason.

If the truth were to be known, I think that he just wanted to get away from me for a little while because we have been having some rather deep discussions of late about the way things are in the Sentinels and the changes that have come to pass in the Vale.  Kal is worried that another type of danger is going to come about with the way that the goblins are digging like little fiends in the Vale and we’re heard those rumors about Old Gods and we know how power greedy that Garrosh is.

I know I was heartsick at the way that the Horde have destroyed a portion of the Vale, the mine has definitely made an eyesore in that area and it used to be so beautiful.  There was always a sense of peace there and now there is that urgency that you feel when you know that there is going to be a big battle of some kind.  I just wish that it would hurry up and happen just to have it over.  I am getting sick of the feelings of dread.

Oh yes, we’ve been talking quite a bit about my leaving the Sentinels and Kal wants to quit being a Scout.  He has assured me that we would make even more money by going to work full time for his Mother’s company out of Stormwind.  I suppose we already make quite a bit of money from that source anyway because we are constantly sending skins and artifacts back there and we don’t seem to be hurting for cash these days.

It’s not the money part that bothers me, it’s leaving the Sentinels.  It’s the only life that I have ever truly known and I am afraid to leave.  What if things don’t really work out for Kal and me?  I would be alone again and I do mean truly alone because I wouldn’t have my comrades to help me unless I rejoined.  I know that they would probably frown upon someone like me that leaves and comes back again. 

I know that Kal keeps telling me how much he cares for me and that he would never leave me, however, he’s never said those words that one wants to hear from their companion.  As sappy as it sounds, an “I love you”, wouldn’t be amiss to make me feel somewhat better.  I know that he has never said those words to me and we haven’t furthered our relationship at all other than living together, scouting together and sleeping together almost every night.  There really isn’t anyone that I can talk to about this because they would only tell me that that’s what I get for getting involved with a half-breed.  I don’t think it has anything to do with the racial mix, I think it has to do with the man himself.

I have been in love with a man before and there is no guarantee that they won’t come up missing or just walk away from you.  Those words can be comforting for the moment; however, I honestly don’t think that Kal would do that to me.  He is a very honorable man and he has never broken his word to me when he has made a promise of any kind.  He may have gotten hurt in the past and that’s why he won’t say those words or he is afraid to say them.  He’s a strange fellow sometimes and hard to read.

I’ll admit that the temptation is there to walk away from the Sentinels because it would mean that we would have more freedom to do the things that we enjoy.  Right now our patrols are long and arduous, however, we’re not seeing any build up of troops and we’re not seeing anything other than Orcs.  I can’t stand Orcs; they are vile evil smelly things that only know how to destroy things.

 If the rumors are true of what is going on in Kalimdor, I hate to think of what is becoming of my homeland.  Kal has some feelings for Kalimdor even if he was raised in Outland.  I know I almost dread going back there to visit some of my friends and now, with Kal’s Mother being in Dolonaar, I’m sure that we will be going to visit sometime in the near future.  Okay, they are more than rumors; however, I have gotten real good at denial about things that are unpleasant to me.

I wish I could make Kal understand about my feelings in regard to giving up the Sentinels.  He doesn’t seem to comprehend the idea that my life before I joined the Sentinels was not anything in comparison to his own.  I was shuttled from one family to the next for fostering and my life was not exactly one of peace and harmony.  I constantly had to adjust to living with other families and learning how they did things, I rarely had anything that I could call my “own” other than what few trinkets I could carry in my belt pouch and my bow. I never knew how my parents were although I was never considered an orphan because I assumed that they were still alive.

I could almost think that my Mother was a Sentinel and that my Father was a Scout rendering his services or possibly he could have been a man that my Mother cared about that didn’t want to take the vows.  It isn’t easy for a Sentinel to be a Mother and do her duties as easily as Kal’s Mother seems to be able to do so, however, she has a real family – she was never fostered out by her parents.

I love children, however, I’m not sure that I would ever want one of my own and I take my tea on a regular basis because I don’t want to bring a child into a situation like this.  If there was something more than “I care deeply for you”, I might give it some thought.  Kal and I have never discussed children, so, I am assuming that he feels pretty much the same way that I do about them at the moment.

I guess I should just let things keep going as they are for right now while I mull these thoughts over in my head and try to come to some conclusion.  No, I won’t leave Kal either because I know what my feelings are for him.  There is no question as to how I feel about him and I would do anything for him, almost anything.  I don’t know if it’s the security of the Sentinels or my doubts in regard as to how things may eventually work out with Kal.

I never thought that something that I had taken for granted for so much of my life could make things so complicated.  I know that Kal is getting very frustrated with me about this, however, he isn’t applying too much pressure yet although I know that he wants to get on with his life outside of the service.

Kae

 

 

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