I know that it has been forever since I have written in my journal and that has to do with the fact that things have been extremely busy with the business and the family. I just haven’t had the time to sit down and do anything for myself, however, I plan to change that because I have always found that writing things down is very soothing to me.
Right now, I need to be soothed. Magdamia let me know that she had some deliveries and collections that needed to be done in Dalaran. She knows that I usually avoid going there due to past memories and how things have changed so much in a place that I once called home. One of the deliveries was to one of the old clients that Fnor and I had dealt with in the past and I was curious as to how things were going in the city. They do say that curiosity killed the cat and I’ll admit that I was yearning to see the city again, even if only briefly.
When I arrived in Northrend it was cold and the wind as blustery as ever which always seems to chill you to the bone, no matter what clothing you happen to be wearing. As I was making the flight to Dalaran, I was watching the terrain below me and that’s when the memories came flooding back as if they had only happened yesterday. Memories, both good and bad, that reminded me of how much my poor Sindorei loved this land and how much time he had built a life here without the boys and I.
We had already established ourselves in Shattrath City and my husband would be out in the field for weeks at a time gathering the skins and other things that we needed for our business. He was always bringing back more contracts for us to fill. I know that we were one of the first companies that catered to both factions, Horde and Alliance. We were also one of the most visible mixed race couples living in the city at the time. Oh, there were scallywags and carpetbaggers from both factions there, hiding from the authorities in the Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor. Times were exciting and could be very stressful trying to raise my two eldest sons in the city when my mate was so frequently gone.
Sometimes I would find myself crying from the sheer loneliness and from some of the hurtful things that some people had said in regard to my children and myself. There were times that I longed to run away and hide from the emotional pain, however, my love for my Sindorei and our family always kept me there. Oh, we were both so young and foolish in those days and thought that we could overcome anything that Elune or the Light might place in our way as barriers to the social norms. Yes, they were trying times.
One of the things that didn’t help much back in those days was the fact that my Sindorei still felt that he needed to wed someone of his own race to be more socially acceptable in the eyes of the people in Silvermoon. I don’t know why that acceptance was so important to him other than for the monetary gains it might bring and his political ambitions. Oh, he had dreams of becoming someone of some importance back then and would do almost anything to fulfill those dreams. I was relegated to being the mistress and the woman that bore his children, plus, running our ever expanding company in Shattrath.
I know that he wasn’t much of the Father to the boys back then and would be gone for months at a time without coming to see them. We would sometimes meet outside the city to go over the business accounts and talk about some of the things that needed to be discussed. Oh, I remember lying in his arms on more than one occasion while he told me about the women that he was seeing, women that were of his own race and what his marriage plans might be. There were times that my heart would ache with the thoughts of my mate being with another woman that I would ask myself why I stayed with him when it was readily apparent that his feelings were not the same as my own. I would think of our two sons, Kaldor and Vashlan, and the answer as to why I stayed would be for our sons and the fact that I loved their Father more than life itself.
Oh, those were indeed some sad times for all of us although, at the time, we weren’t aware of how sad they really were. My parents really didn’t approve of my liaison with my Sindorei, however, they loved their grandsons. I think that they were very saddened when I left the Sentinels to take up this life that I had with this man in Shattrath. Times change and people change – they know love my Sindorei almost as much as I do. I thank Elune each day for my two eldest sons and the blessings that she has bestowed upon the family.
My goodness, I definitely digressed there. I was definitely lost in thought of those days gone by and how things have changed to the present. Those were both happy and hurtful times and I am indeed very thankful that my Sindorei came to his senses and realized that he had already been blessed with a complete family and didn’t need to search any further. The children love their Father very much and I think that they have a great deal of respect for him although, Vashlan is still wrestling with the thought of how this all came to pass sometimes. I know that Kaldor has grown to understand his Father more as he has gotten older and has accepted the things that he cannot change in his life.
Anyway, I did get to Dalaran and when I first landed it was as if time had stood still and things were as they were before. However, there were no Blood Elves at the landing, which was a reminder of what had transpired there. When I stepped into the city, the reminders became very clear to me again.
I can’t put it into words other than to say that I could the sorrow filling me in torrents. Gone were the laughing elves that had always stood around the landing talking and gone were some of the shops that I had frequented when Fnor and I lived in the city. I went about my business of delivering the goods that I had brought with me and collecting the funds. Somehow, it was hard to talk to some of these people because they were newcomers to the city themselves and didn’t remember the glory days of when it was an open city and people were friendly with everyone. Oh, you had the diehards that were never going to forget their political affiliations, however, you could always find someone to talk with, meet new people that frequented the city.
I think that the hardest part of going back to Dalaran was seeing the house where Fnor and I lived with our children and the changes that have been made to it. As I stood on the street and gazed at the front doors, I could see where the hand carved runes had been disfigured, I could see that the hardware hadn’t been polished or cleaned in months. Yes, it was hard standing there and looking up to see the stained glass windows in Fnor’s office had been broken and the panes replaced with some panes that didn’t seem to fit. Yes, the exterior of the house was almost unrecognizable. The last time that I had visited the city, I was unable to make myself go inside, however, this time I had to do it to deliver a parcel that I had brought with me for that purpose and collect the funds that were owed.
The whole house is now broken down into various offices and it looks like the upstairs may have been turned into barracks of some kind. Oh, the curved stairway has had all of the carpet removed from the it and the wood was very worn and disfigured by the boots tramping up and down. The slate floor in the foyer was broken in many places and hadn’t seen a polishing cloth in ages.
As I stood in the foyer and looked around, I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. The fireplace where Vashlan had decided that he was mage enough to light the fire and lit the curtains on fire instead had been defaced and the carvings were unrecognizable anymore. I think that if Agatha could see what has become of the house that she lovingly tended for all of the years she was in Dalaran, she would be in tears. Anything that would have been considered Sindorei by anyone had been defaced or even removed – the mantle on the fireplace was totally destroyed and the ornate carvings on the ceiling had been painted over with something that I think might not have been all paint.
Not only did the house not have the grandeur that it once had, it also looked very worn, old and dirty. I have thought about telling Fnor about the house, however, I have decided that it is something that I will spare him. I know that it would only hurt him to know that the house that he spent so many years remodeling and decorating had become nothing more than some kind of hovel. I am almost thankful that he will never see the place again. I think that only one of us needs to have the heartbreak of seeing what was once beautiful and filled with our happy family has been turned into something that none of us would recognize for what it once was.
I am very happy that we were able to remove some of the things from the house and take them to the new house in Nagrand. In time, the house in Nagrand will be as beautiful and as loved as this house once was. It’s smaller and doesn’t have the history behind it, however, it will have a very loving family living in it that can rebuild those memories.
Yes, it is very true – you can never go home again. Things have changed, the times have changed and the people have changed that helped to build those memories.
I don’t think that my next trip to Dalaran will be as traumatic as this one has been, however, I know that I will always remember the city the way that it was before – not how it is now. I will keep the memories alive in my heart of the joy and happiness that we once had there.
Well, I suppose it’s time for me to stop writing and head down into the warehouse. I can hear Magdamia shouting at someone and it doesn’t sound very pleasant. Honestly, that Draeni needs to work on her people skills something terrible and I hope she isn’t fighting with a customer that way.