Well, I finally located Kae and we had a nice long discussion and I have to agree with her that I have been extremely selfish about some things. We’ve been together for quite a while and we have enjoyed that time together for the most part. I think what has been going on is that I am doing things now that I should have done at a much younger age because I don’t feel like I have any consequences for my actions. Well, the thing is that I do.
I’m old enough now and free enough that when someone that I care about starts putting out rules for me to follow or this happens – like leaving me – or if I do something that they don’t approve of, they feel they have the right to wreck havoc in my life, I tend to rebel. When I was growing up, my Mother was very strict and when my Father weighed in, I knew that I was in for some serious trouble, however, with Kae – her threat is that she will leave. I love her, however, you can’t keep me a prisoner to my own emotions either. I did have to remind Kae that I am a grown man, we do have an unspoken commitment to one another and it’s something that we’re going to be working on.
Yes, she did give up being a Sentinel, however, that was her choice and not mine to make for her. She could have stayed with the group if she had truly felt that way, however, she decided that she didn’t like it without me being there with her. I was not cut out to be a Sentinel Scout for the rest of my life – I think I have too much pride and independence to fit that mold for very long and it flared up there at the last. I have a huge respect for some of the Sentinels, however, you have to earn my respect just like anyone else would have to do.
Kae, I respect and will honor some of her wishes, however, I am not going to give up my life to make her happy. She has a much right to go out and spend time with other people away from me too, I’ve told her that repeatedly and if she chooses not to do so, that’s her problem and I won’t allow it to become mine.
As you can plainly tell, I am still a bit upset about some of conversation and I willingly admit that she had some good points, however, some of them were nonsense. She wasn’t a clinging vine kind of woman when we were in the group in Krasarang and I can’t see the reason why she is trying to do so now.
My Dad always told that he never had felt like Mom was trying to control him and that’s why they have stayed together for so long, not to mention that they still love one another quite deeply. I think that my Mom’s thoughts on the issues was probably more on the mark though, she told me that she has learned how to compromise, however, it has to be a two way agreement between the parties involved. Oh, I know that my parents are not perfect, they have arguments and they have had other issues in the past that they have overcome, however, it seems like for the most part, they seem to be happy.
I will admit that I was worried that she had left me because she was gone for a week before I finally found her in one of our old haunts in the Jade Forest. Let’s just say that I neglected a lot of things just so I could find her and talk to her. I can understand how she felt, I made a promise to her about doing certain things and I broke that promise, however, I did remind her that even though I promised, I am not perfect. Now, I’m busting my behind to get the farm back into shape again, Jogu helped out quite a bit, however, there is just too much for one person to do to keep it looking like it should.
I hope that we can get things worked out, however, this whole thing has started me rethinking making any kind of long term commitment again. I just can’t put myself through this kind of heartache just because I’ve done something that displeases Kae. She’s done a few things in the past that have definitely displeased me, however, I didn’t take off and not come back or not let her know where I was. There we go, there’s the compromise thing, it can’t be just one person doing it – it takes two to make a relationship.
I have spent my whole morning, it’s raining like crazy in Halfhill at the moment, just letting my thoughts hinge on things that may be irrelevant to others, however, sometimes when I write things down on paper, I can get a better grasp on it. I know that I am going to try to keep this relationship going and do my best to make it work, however, Kae is going to have to change some her things too. We’ll see what happens.