Broken Vows And Shattered Dreams…

Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author

 

June 29th

Dear Journal,

Well, I’ve done something that I took an oath with myself about that I have broken.  Good or bad, the deed has been done and can’t be undone.  Everyone knows my feelings about Dalaran and how much I have been thinking about the place since we were driven out by that insane Proudmore wench. Everyone that knows that I am married to Amyn knows my feelings there as well.

I finally got up the nerve and with the help of a good friend of mind, I got myself heavily disguised as a rather older Kaldorei and decided to take the trip back to where I’ve longed to be since I left.  I almost wish that I hadn’t done it now because I was absolutely heartsick by the time I left.  I just went to see the sights and to see how much things had changed.  It almost seems like an alien place to me now and I doubt that I will ever return to what was once my home of choice for so many years.  So much of my life was spent there.

The house that I had remodeled and put my heart into is no longer the same.  It’s now an office type of place housing who knows what and it appears as though the upstairs may be some kind of barracks for some of the officers stationed in Northrend.  Let’s just say that anything that was remotely Sindorei has been removed or destroyed, disfigured or just erased from any surface.  The slate floor in the foyer is ruined by all standards and it looks as though they haven’t even attempted to keep the place up at all.

I guess it is true that you can’t go “home” again after having been away from it for so long.  Things change and time moves on, so, nothing is ever the same as it was that you had in your memory for nostalgia to call up.  Oh well, I suppose that I shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was because Amyn has told me about some of the changes and it isn’t like I didn’t believe her, however, one does tend to filter out some information when we find it unpleasant or not to our liking.

I did spend a great deal of time wandering about and looking into some of the different shops that I would frequent when I was in town and I was very dismayed to see that the new owners were primarily human or gnomes in some cases.  Gone are the days of stopping in to visit with a shopkeeper and having a nice friendly chat and possibly coming up with some good bargains due to a friendship that had been nurtured over the years. Ah well, no sense in me dwelling on things in the past, however, I did love that city.

I’ll be the first to admit that when I got back to Silvermoon and retired to my rooms, unnoticed I might add other than a passing glance and a cursory wave from Agatha’s little sister as we passed in the great room.  She’s a likeable young lady, even if she does have a wildness about her that reminds me very much of myself at her age.  I went to my rooms and sat at my desk and poured myself some nice brandy and took a long draught of it before I just sat there and wept like a schoolboy with shattered dreams.

Agatha came into my rooms,  without really knocking, she doesn’t’ have too after all of these years, however, I had a little bit of trouble maintaining my composure after my emotional dam had broken.  She and I have a long history together and she is one person on the face of Azeroth other than my wife that probably knows me better than most in my weakest moments.   She walked over to my desk and stood there for a few moments before moving closer to me and putting her arms around me as best she could before I stood up and returned her embrace.

Oh, I’ll admit that we have had our passionate moments together and we have made love without any of the strings attached, however, I have abstained from breaking my vows to Amyn until last night.  I don’t know if it was the raw emotions or just the timing as to why it actually happened.  I had just gotten back from spending time with my wife and had been properly satiated in the physical aspects of our marriage before I came back and went to Dalaran.

As I stood there with this woman in my arms, the embraces turned to kisses and the kisses became more passionate between the two of us.  Before I had even realized it, I had pushed her back against the desk and as she lowered herself to the surface, pushing the objects off, I took her.  Plain and simple, I made love to a woman that has been in my life almost as long as Amyn has.  She didn’t object and responded with the passion that I remembered very well from our time in Dalaran together.  It was like two old lovers rekindling the desire in one another that we had long since died. When I awakened this morning, Agatha was in bed with me and I’ll admit that we did make love again.  She then got up and left the room without so much as a cursory talk.

Now, do I feel guilty about what happened?  Yes, I do.  I love Amyn more than anything in this world and I know that my breaking of our vows would probably hurt her more than anyone could ever realize.  I think she might understand why it happened, however, would she be understanding enough to forgive me?  I don’t know.  Will it happen again?  Very possibly, I don’t know.  If it is just Agatha, I don’t think that Amyn would care, if she knew.  I’ve always had mistresses, Amyn was one that had won my heart and had given me our children.  Will I ever tell her?  Probably not, why would I want to hurt her that way and why would I take that risk?

I know that Agatha understands why it happened last night and I know that she will take it in stride as she has so many times in the past.  We have never said that we loved one another or anything of that nature, it’s always been a matter of comforting one another in an hour of need.  Last night was no different in my eyes, however, I do need to talk to her and see what her feelings truly are.  If she wants to continue on in the same vein as we have in the past, will she want to leave my employment to escape the chances that we might fall from grace again, I’ll have to talk with her.  We’ve never had a problem discussing all manner of things together and I don’t think that she would have any problem with this talk.

I’ll admit that I am somewhat ashamed of myself, however, at the same time, I’m giving myself the excuse that it was my emotional state that caused the weakness to overtake my common sense.   I’ll admit that these long lapses in time spent with my wife have probably made me a bit more tempted than I’d like to admit.  Agatha is a known quantity and yes, I have been attracted to some of the other women here in Silvermoon, however, I have not given into any of those desires. I feel very badly that I have broken my marriage vows to Amyn and I hope that the guilt isn’t something that will be too difficult to bear.

Fnor Morningstar

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