My Transgression…

July 15th,

Dear Journal,

Oh, By The Sunwell!! I am so embarrassed about what has happened between Fnor and I at the moment that I wish I could crawl under my bed and never come out.  Something happened that I am sure he regrets more than could be put into words.   I am so sorry that I gave into the weakness of the flesh, however, it’s kind of hard to avoid when the man that I’ve loved for so many years is in need of some emotional bolstering and my own physical needs are screaming in my mind.

It isn’t often that I’ve seen the man show his emotions as exposed as he did last night and it almost broke my heart.  To see him so devastated by all of the things that have been going on with his sister and with things going on with the business, I’m not surprised that he had reached his breaking point – it was bound to happen, I suppose.  I was just trying to offer him some physical comfort and it just went well beyond what I had intended – for both our sakes.

I had planned on discussing my daughter, not really my youngest sibling, and letting him know about her, however, when I walked into his study, I was shocked to see him in the condition that he was in.  I haven’t heard him sob like that since his losses in Dalaran, a woman that I think he might have loved and his unborn child.

I think he made a huge mistake by taking that trip back to Dalaran because I think that it tore the scab from a healing wound that hadn’t properly scared over.   I had no idea that that was where he was going when he left Silvermoon or I would have tried to talk him out of it.  I’ve heard stories here in Silvermoon about the people that are stills stranded there in the prisons – it’s horrible to think of.  Anyway, my daughter told me she had seen him return and I wanted to see how things went and how he had handled it.

I was totally unprepared for what I walked into when I went into his study.  Poor man was devastated beyond words.  I knew the minute that I stepped into the room that I should have left, however, I couldn’t walk away and leave him there crying like a child – it tugged at my heartstrings like no other with the exception of my daughter’s tears.  I don’t think there is anything worse to see or hear than a grown man crying – it just breaks my heart.  I think it is terrible that men can’t show their emotions because it’s deemed unseemly, however, how much can a man hold in without just going off the deep end.  I know I’ve seen Fnor come very close to that in the past, poor fellow – such a caring man.

He told me about how the house had been destroyed inside and how he almost cried there.  Poor fellow was really shaken and shocked by what he had seen.  I know the hours and the money that he put into that place to call it his home.  He always considered it a thing that showed he had finally “arrived” in his own mind with the Silvermoon society.   It was his pride and joy and a place where he always took pride in inviting people to visit or even to live for a time.  I have never seen a man put so much blood, sweat and tears into a building like he did that house – it was his “home” and a way that he felt that he had climbed out of his common background as a Ranger to a successful businessman. I know that it almost had to have killed him to abandon all that when he heard the rumors prior to the event of the actual purge – he got his wife and family out before that happened, even if he did have to leave some of his precious belongings behind.  Poor fellow.

We’ve barely had a moment alone since it happened, so, I’m sure that we both would like to talk about it because I know that I feel guilty and knowing him the way that I do, he probably feels more than just a little bit of the guilt.  I know that he loves his wife more than life itself and to have fallen and broken his marriage vows that I know he takes very seriously must be preying on his mind.

I still need to build up my courage and tell him about his daughter because I know that the truth is going to come out eventually and I would much rather that it comes from me.  I know that a few of my own friends have made the comment that my sister looks an awful lot like Fnor and they have given me quite a few teasing moments in regard to that.  I honestly don’t think that she looks that much like him although some of her mannerisms are definitely his and her attitude. I guess I will just have to bid my time and wait until he isn’t as emotionally in a turmoil.  I know my own emotions are a bit shaky right now as well.




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