Wandering Ways…Again

August 4th

Dear Journal,

I have been spending some time in Pandaria with my Sindorei and I don’t know what it is that he thinks that he can keep the fact from me that he has been with another woman.   His whole demeanor changes and he is so attentive that it is almost suffocating.  I know that he has been faithful to our wedding vows that we took in the Sindorei fashion before we ever left Dalaran, however, I know that he has been going through some trying times on his own…we need to start being together more often in Nagrand.

I did confront him with the fact that I knew he had been with another and he tried his best to deny it and said that he was just preoccupied with the business and some of his family things.   Well, I might have believed that for a little while, however, he did mention that he had been to Dalaran, even though I had told him to avoid it because it would be too upsetting for him.  Silly man, that was just like waving a flag in front of a bull and expecting it not to charge you.

I know that his trip to Dalaran upset him very much and he was almost in tears when he described what was left of our home and how it had been degraded by the people there now.  To think that all of that time and all those years of working on the building were for naught, I can tell that it really did matter to him very much.  That house was his pride and joy and I knew that even when the boys and I were still living in Shattrath in that tiny little hovel that we had for a time.  I know that to him that the house meant that he had been successful in his own right.  He had been a Ranger and was in business for himself now and had accumulated enough wealth to where he thought that he could surpass anything that he had seen in his beloved Silvermoon.

What was a dead giveaway to me about his being unfaithful was the way that he wouldn’t meet my eyes and the way that he started blushing when I asked him how things were going in Silvermoon.  I asked him if Agatha had been able to find a housekeeper that would be suitable and agreeable to our arrangement in Nagrand.  He acted a bit startled when I asked about Agatha, so, at least I know who the woman is now because the look in his eyes told me so.

Am I hurt?  Well, yes, any woman would be hurt if she thought that her man had been with another, however, my hurt comes from the fact that we had both agreed that we would remain faithful to one another after we had taken the wedding vows.  We have been mated for years, we just formalized it to make his friends and acquaintances feel more comfortable with our arrangement.   All of the years that we have been mated in the Kaldorei fashion, he has always had his mistresses, I was one of them I suppose when he was looking for a Sindorei wife.  Yes, that did hurt especially after I had given birth to our two sons in rapid succession, which is almost unheard of with my people.  Yes, my Sindorei is definitely fertile and I was more than willing to carry his children.   I have always expected other children to crop up from some of his wandering ways, however, that hasn’t been the case as far as I know either. I know that I am both hurt and angry with him, yet, there is a part of me that understands the wants and needs of a man of  his sort, I have those same feelings from time to time, however, I have not resorted to taking comfort with another man.

The thought never entered my mind except for the time when we were separated for a very long time and I had taken a Kaldorei male to my bed, bore him two sons as well.   I was very sure at that time that my Sindorei was never coming back and I was wrong.  Did I love this other man? Oh yes I did, sometimes I often wondered what might have happened if he had lived a long life instead of having it cut short in a hunting accident in Nagrand. Was I ever formally mated to this other man?  No, we never took vows, however, we were as committed to one another as any mated pair could be.   My Sindorei did come back to Shattrath long before my youngest children’s Father died and it was rather strange how the two of them became friends.  Naturally, there were the usual recriminations from my Sindorei about my being unfaithful and all I had to do was to remind him of his own indiscretions with his Sindorei women.

Oh yes, Elune knows what a turbulent life the two of us have led and she also knows how much we both love our children.  We have stayed together all of these years because of the love we shared for one another and because of our children as well.

Now, I am wondering if I should just tell him that I know that he has been unfaithful and all of his trying to hide the fact and denying it when I confronted him are not going work?  Should I just tell him that I know what he has done and I even know whom the woman is that he did it with?

Am I angry?  Yes, to a certain level I am very angry, however, the anger does not surpass the initial hurt from this straying.  Why would I think that one ceremony would bear more weight with his conduct than what our vows were previously?  I guess in my mind, it would make him realize that I was equal to these other women that he found so alluring and that I was very much the woman that he loved.  I know that this thing with Agatha is a physical thing for the most part.  Will I ask him to fire her from her position that she has held all of these years?  No, I don’t think that I will because if she is still in the picture after all of this time that they have been together as housekeeper and employer, I will at least know where he has strayed.

Oh why does he do this sort of thing to me after all of these years?  Why does he think that my Sentinel heart will not break as easily as another’s heart?  I am a Sentinel first, however, the woman in me is still very much there and very much feels the pain of these missteps of his.  No, I won’t leave him, however, I will have one those discussions with him that he always dreads, the ones where I let my temper free and tell him exactly what kind of animal I think he is when he does this sort of thing.  How can he even pretend to rear our children and setting up standards for them to follow when he doesn’t follow them himself.  At least I follow the goals that I have set up for myself and I have been more than a little patient with my man.  That’s the problem, he will always be my man, there could never be another that could take his place in my heart and I am mature enough to know this.  He is still my love, my life and my all – even if he is a Sindorei that can’t seem to keep his lust under control.

Amyn

 

2 thoughts on “Wandering Ways…Again

  1. Poor Amyn,, just when she thinks they are making progress as far as their relationship goes, something sets them back three steps.It must so frustrating for her; just when she thought she wouldn’t have to share her husband with other women, something happens. This is a great post..looking forward to seeing what happens next

  2. These two have always had a rough relationship, however, I think that Fnor is truly upset that this happened now. All of his intentions were good, an emotional breakdown helped get this ball rolling. Oh, Amyn has actually shot him once upon a time when she was really really angry with him – not a shot to kill, however, one that made him think about how he sat down for a long time. I’m sure they will work things out.

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