*Warning!! There could be some salty language in this post, if you’re easily offended, please do not read.*
What in the Hells is going on! What did we just do and why we did it? I’m not getting anywhere with my questions; however, it is a thing that I am often doing these days. I’m questioning everything that I am doing and why I’m doing it. Well, fuck, the first thing that comes to mind is that I am following orders and secondly – no one seems to understand the full ramifications of the shit that we are doing. Even Fnor is rattled and shaken with these new events. It takes a fucking lot of stuff to rattle that man and I know because he’s been my best friend since I joined the rangers.
All I know is that we were doing the usual cleanup after a long battle with our foes in the Broken Shore and we got orders to report to the Warchief in Orgrimmar. Okay, not a fucking problem, we’ll drop whatever we’re doing to go see what this crazy bitch has going on now. To say that I dislike the Warchief is probably considered dangerous, however, I’d rather face that danger than deal with another pyscho in charge of the Horde. Even the news from Silver Moon and our Regent Lord is a bit disconcerting at a time like this – we are ordered to Orgrimmar and we are going to do whatever the Banshee Queen has to say. I’ll have to give it some thought or just pull one of my better disappearing acts.
For Light’s Sake!! I just got my family back together and we’ve gone to Pandaria to live where the children can at least stay safe. Romy and the children are still recovering from their ordeal as well as getting acclimated back to where they should be – they need no further trauma in their lives for now.
I know that I was just getting used to being with the kids and Romy again. Just having them with me made my world complete and now, well, duty calls and there is no way that I can get out of it for fear that Romy could be called back to active duty as well. I’m not one to leave the kids with other people to raise and I know how Romy feels about that sort of thing as well.
I’m still shaken by all the things that happened at the Dark Shore and the finality of the Horde burning the World Tree. The loss of life for Night Elves was absolutely sickening and I wept as I stood there watching the tree burning. War is war; however, this wasn’t something that any of us had ever thought would happen. I know that Fnor was just devastated because of his wife’s family and his own relationship with many of the Elves over time. Watching all of this almost felt like getting physically struck.
I’m ashamed to say that I followed my orders and did what I was told but that doesn’t mean that I agreed with it. A lot of us didn’t agree with any of it – why start a war with the Alliance at this point and time? Why kill so many people for a whim of someone that isn’t exactly rational?
Honor and Loyalty – well, what the fuck does that really mean. Honor is something for you as an individual, however, the Loyalty to a faction is a duty. When that duty crosses the line, you must make some very hard choices and I have made mine – I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I am doing the right thing and not feel the shame that I am feeling now.
I know that I am sitting here and feeling like something soiled and thrown away. This is not a great feeling at all – the shame is so intense that it almost makes me want to puke my guts out. I have written to Romy and told her to not come anywhere near Kalimdor at this time and to avoid the Eastern Kingdoms because there is nothing left for her there any longer.
My mind is just rambling, and thoughts are as fleeting as the brandy that I have been drinking.