Life Goes On…

March 22nd

Dear Journal,

Life goes on!! In my condition in this unlife, it does cause me to chuckle when I hear that.  If these mere mortals only knew what they were saying when they speak those words.  A means of living can go on through eternity if you have seen the things that I have seen and done the things that I have done.

At first, it was at the word of the Lich King, then, at my own volition in order to survive.  Whole villages of people have been killed by my hand in the name of the Lich. I can remember some of these acts, much to my sorrow and shame, however, my emotions were not under my control and my body was living through these acts. As they say, Life goes on!

I have done a lot of things since my life was renewed with the magic of the Lich and not all of them have been shameful.  From time to time, as I was tearing through a village with wild abandon and killing everything I came near, I would take pity on someone – maybe they reminded me of someone I knew in my past, somehow, maybe their pleas reached what was left of my soul – I would pass them by and continue on to my next victim.

That was my life under the Lich – kill or be killed and you must feed the Rune Blade.  At least now I have a choice as to what I can do or not do up to a point.  There are times when we are in battle that my old ways surface and I go on a killing spree – I can hear my blade singing in my ears as its hunger is satiated with each kill and I can feel myself growing stronger with each swing of my blade.  It’s true, you can lose yourself in a battle and not realize friend from foe – which is definitely a minus for the friend that you may have killed.

Since I met Felaran Morningstar, part of my unlife has changed.  I can hear her laughter when we are in battle and it makes me smile and I take kill for kill with her.  She takes joy in winning each fight and that is very infectious to me.  We fight side by side and I know that some of our comrades in arms will definitely give us a wide berth on the killing fields. We both recognize what we are and what we were meant to be, however, we have learned how to control some of that hunger that is always prevalent in our ways – the Rune Blade is our means of living and we will do what we must in order to survive.

I am starting to enjoy things that I thought were in the past for me.  The simple act of fishing or just being able to sit and feel the air wash over my body after I have removed my armor, my Blade is never far from my hand.  I am beginning to notice the beauty of my surroundings here in Panderia – it is possible to have a reawakening of one’s senses and to be able to take simple pleasure in your existence.

Before I came to Panderia, life was just something that was there.  I would go through the motions of trying to exist side by side with the living even though I was shunned by certain groups because of my abnormal existence, by their standards.   Here, in this time of war, I am accepted by all and yet, there is always that knowledge in my mind that this will change again when the war is over.

I am learning how to laugh again at the simple things.  A badly told joke even makes me smile, which was something I rarely did before now.  Felaran always teases me and tells me that it’s okay to enjoy things – I always wonder how much of this is awakening my other feelings in this unlife.  Anger I have lived with, laughter is something that is still in the learning process for me.  Gentleness is now something that I can do without fear of retribution from my fellow Death Knights.  Am I relearning all of the things that I thought were dead to me for all time?  I think so, however, I know that once I step back into battle, it all disappears as if it never was again.

This Jade Forest is a marvelous thing to me.  All the green things and all of the wildlife – yes, there are the Alliance here too that we lay waste too.  I know that while I may enjoy learning these things again, I won’t let it weaken me.  I’ve actually enjoyed just sitting in one spot and watching everything around me – the living doing their things – the Pandaren with their philosophical approach to life have intrigued me and I listen to what they say.  Slow Down! Life is to be savored!  If they only knew what life and taking life does for me as a Death Knight, they might not say that so cheerfully.  

Felaran actually gave me a pet.  A kitten so tiny that I can hold it in one hand.  I don’t remember having a pet before and I must say that the feelings that I have for my kitten, Fuzzbutt, have been rather embarrassing.  I can’t recall ever having a pet before and to know that this little thing is dependent on me for its very existence is very disturbing and it makes me feel different.  I didn’t know whether to thank her for the gift or not.

She laughed at me when I just held the kitten in my hand staring at it like it was some kind of strange life form and told me that it would make me a better man – how is taking care of a kitten going to make me a better man? Oh sure, I’ve been around other people’s pets and really never gave it much thought.  It’s another learning thing for me, I guess.

 I want to learn how she can take joy in this unlife the way that she does, that’s why we have become friends. She teaches me things every day – her existence here in Panderia and our meeting under these circumstances has actually opened my eyes to a different way of accepting what I am.

Writing things down in a journal is a new thing for me too.  It will help me remember things if my mind should start to deteriorate, which I hope is unlikely at this point.




Learning to Live Again

March 17th

Dear Journal,

In this time in place that I find myself, my past is better forgotten.  My name is Tylanlor Ravencrest, my birthplace in my past life was Silvermoon and my rebirth was Archerus. That is correct, I am a Death Knight and was in the service of the Lich King until his initial defeat at Hope’s Chapel and then my true freedom came with his final death in Ice Crown. I serve the Horde, by choice of my past life’s birth.

My memory of my family is hazy at best, however, there are times that I have flashbacks of sorts that chill my bones and sometimes, they take on a different feeling. I’ve dreamt of walking the streets of Silvermoon as a living being, talking with people that may be long dead, by my hand or another’s.  Names, some I can think I know and then, they fly from my brain as if they were chased by demons.  They probably were chased by demons, my own inner demons because I know what I am – something that the living should avoid if I am not in control of myself. Am I afraid of this “life” that I lead?  Am I angry about the fact that my mortal life was taken from ?  No, to both questions because I have faced death many times and have come to call it a friend – I will never age, I will never know the love of a mortal woman, I will never have a family as some do. No, I am not angry – angry is a useless waste of energy and takes from the pleasure that I have in my own existence.

I may have been a Ranger at some point because I know that I long to take up a bow in my hands from time to time and I have been teased constantly for the way that I move out in the field.  I stalk before I kill..and then I kill when the time is right.  My prey usually isn’t aware of my presence unless I want them to be aware – I feed from their fear as well as their deaths. I like to hear their screams, hear their heartbeats as they know that their lives are going to end in a flurry of blades or in my icy grip. Oh, I don’t stalk animals unless you count the two-legged variety.

I kill because I must, to survive in this unlife of mine.  I must feed the Rune Blade as well as the demon that I have become.

My first real memory is awakening in Archerus, the excruciating pain, the laughter of the people that were changing me forever. If this is similar to being born on the mortal plane, I’m surprised that we’re not all insane. I remember being pulled from the table that I had been chained too and turned over to some other Death Knights for their pleasure and enjoyment – had I still had my mortal soul, I would have ended it at that point for the shame that was visited on what was left of my living flesh and mind.

Hatred, yes, I have hatred for some of my kind that roam this Azeroth because they live the old way – the way of killing anything and everything that come near.  Scourge!  I don’t feel myself at odds with the Ebon Blade, however, I do feel at odds with some of the brethren that have not given up their roots in the evil that created them.  The Lich is dead, you can no longer serve him as some mindless robot, you can now think for yourselves. You can control your urges to do that evil, if you so choose.

I think that I was fortunate that my creation was done amongst some of the very last in Archerus – that taint was not allowed to grow as deeply imbedded as I have seen with some of the older Death Knights. I can still take a certain amount of pleasure being amongst the living – I can smell the flowers and enjoy the sunlight in moderation.  No, I’m not deteriorating as some of my kind are, if I am, it is indeed a slow process and my faculties seem to be fairly well intact.

I have always been pretty much a loner until I came to Panderia and I met someone that seems to enjoy this unlife more than others.  She has taught me how to enjoy things again, to almost feel alive.  She is probably a few years younger than I am, I’ve never asked, however, she has been among the ranks of the Death Knights a while longer, not by much from what we can piece together.  She was fortunate enough to be reunited with her family and has been able to learn of her past, whereas, my past is past and I may find out whom I really am at some time. She has taught me how to laugh at our circumstances and the way that she thumbs her nose at the rest of the world has caused me to join in that laughter on more than one occasion.  We are friends, I have avoided making friends in the past, living friends will sometimes turn on a Death Knight, however, the only time I have seen this happen amongst our brethren is if they are of a different faction or if they are the rogues that have given us a bad name.

I know that I feel comfortable being around her and would rather have her fighting at my side or covering my back than anyone I have ever encountered. Feelings?  I think I have them somewhere deep in this corpse body of mine, however, time will tell if that part of me is still capable of that kind of feeling.

Oh, one thing that I do have to say is that she is a terrible cook.  I will eat the food that she prepares, I’m one of the Death Knights that rarely feels hunger for food, my hunger is for something else. Anyway, I will eat her food and tell her how wonderful it is regardless of the fact the fact that it tastes like something the carrion would fight over.

Oh well, I suppose it’s time for us to go out and kill some more Alliance.  My blade thirsts this morning.