Family and Future


October 11th

Yo Book!!

Here I am again and can’t say that I am not happy as can be either. Sitting here at the farm in Pandaria with my family. Just kind of sitting here, wrapped in a blanket after spending a very passionate night with Romy. Two kids and we can still start fires with the way our bodies are so in tune with one another. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel right now, if dying and where I am is heaven, I think I’ll just stay here. I don’t usually let my emotions run rampant, however, they have since I came home to the farm and have felt the warmth, the joy and the love that is with my family.

Oh yes, I talked with Romy about all the things that have been going on and some of the things that I did or was ordered to do. I know that the whole thing makes her as sad as I – the tears fell freely from my eyes and I know that I just let my emotions run rampant, jagged rasping choking sobs that had been held in for months. I know that I have never been one to show my emotions publicly and the only person that has seen me at my most vulnerable has been my beloved.   To feel her arms wrapped tightly around me as I wept and to hear those soft tender words being spoken were better than any healing potion or drink that I might have taken. I feel like I have had the weight of the World lifted from my shoulders and I can only pray to the Light that I haven’t added my burdens to Romy’s already heavy load.

All those months of searching for here and the children felt like an eternity and I have never felt as lonely, lost and alone as I did then. Finding them was like my life could start again. Our children, our love and most of all, the feelings that we have shared all these years. Oh, my friends were there to help me when I would stumble and fall, however, they weren’t Romy and there wasn’t a woman out there that could replace her place in my heart – some tried, and they were rejected.

Now that I have all the things that I dearly love more than life itself, I’m fearful. I don’t want to lose this moment in time and I don’t want to have to leave them behind – go off to fight some stupid war that will gain me nothing except more heartache and pain. Why won’t the Light just let me stay here in the arms that I love more than life itself and our beautiful children. I’ve already been cheated out of my daughter’s childhood and now, the Warchief wants to cheat me out of my son’s life. No, there has to be a way that I can avoid this.

I don’t know if anyone would be able to understand this whole thing unless they have been through it for themselves, however, I know that I never want to be separated from my family for as long as I was when they were missing. I felt like I was living but dying at the same time. I, also, don’t think that I ever felt like I was complete until Romy came into my life – after we had the children, my heart felt as if I had achieved all the things that I wanted in this life.

Yes, I’ve talked with a few people and I will honestly say that some of the answers that I got were rather idiotic. Yes, I know that war is dangerous and there is always a price to be paid, however, I don’t want to be the one paying it – I’ve done enough. Hell, I’ve even consider doing a desk job of some type just so that I could be with my family.

Hmm, just glanced over at Romy and she met my eyes with one of her sleepy smiles that always melts my heart and gave me one of her “come hither” looks. I think that I will stop writing here and go back to bed.

Fnar Dawnglory

 

((This is a song from Journey and Steve Perry that always runs through my mind when I think of Romy and Fnar.))

Open Arms

Lying beside you here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper you’re so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together and drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what you’re love means to me
Open arms

Living without you living alone
This empty house is so cold
Wanting to hold you wanting you near
How much I’ve wanted you home
But now that you’ve come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what you’re love means to me
Open arms

Peace & Harmony


October 1st

Dear journal,

I thought for a time that my heart would break with all the things that I have seen and done since this new conflict has erupted across our lands of Azeroth.  My heart grows weary, not only with age, but with the vehemence that this new calamity has visited upon our World.  Who knew that something of this nature could ever happen to us all?  Who knew or could glean from the Aspects that this would one day come to pass without warning?

So many questions have I asked and so many questions that are still unanswered.  I can’t believe that none of the learned peoples of this world could allow this to happen.  We were joined with a united front to defeat the demons on the Broken Shore and yet, we supposedly thwarted the attacks and came away victorious – only to have it all be struck down by one monstrous blow to our world.

Now it has all dwindled back down to nothing more than avarice and greed for a power that is totally limitless in its destruction of our lives as we know it.  Yes, I have seen enough of wars and battles to last me through several lifetimes and it seems to be a never-ending cycle of hatred that has no true balance to end it all.

I look back on my own life and see that it has been one struggle after another that has left me feeling cynical and filled with guilt at the things that I had no control over.  I’ve seen my youth destroyed quickly as we fought against the Alliance in Kalimdor to fulfill the needs of the Horde and I’ve lived through Warchief that have gone from strong leadership to out and out insanity.  The current leadership brings nothing to the Horde as a whole, just death and destruction without a future thought to what is to become of us if this war cycle ever ends.  Can no one see the rationale that this world is big enough for all it’s people, not just the Horde, not just the Alliance and why must there be an air of having complete control over the people that are striving to live their lives in some manner of normalcy.

I find myself waxing philosophically tonight as I sit here in my quarters, alone and feeling the weight of my age more than I normally would.  Yes, I’m getting up there in age even for one of the long-lived races, however, I think my soul is just getting weary of the turmoil and the constant upheaval that we have been thrown into for all these centuries.   I have been a soldier most of my life and have fought many battles and have led many men and women into battles against impossible odds and have brought the majority of them back from the brink of disaster, yet, I do begin to feel that it may have all been for naught when it is repeated over and over again.

All I ever have wanted is to find a place for my family where we could live in peace and not worry about the political strife that seems to permeate the very air that we breathe.  Yes, my wife is not of an acceptable race by the current policies of the Horde, however, she is very acceptable in my heart as are our children that we have raised.

We knew things would be difficult for us all the days of our lives and for our children.  We held out hope that things would change after thwarting the Legion. To say that we were wrong in our foolish ideals is s true misnomer because we felt that the people of Azeroth had finally seen the Light and had grown enough as a civilized group that we would finally glean the peace that we all desired.

Now, with our world wounded and the strong possibility that none of us will survive the calamity, we’re squabbling like children over things that surely will not matter.  Wealth, greed, power, these are not the things that we were taught to worship as children – that is something that has taken a hold on all of us at some point.  I wish there was some cleric that could explain this to me – our world as we know it may be dying and yet, there is this stupid struggle for power and control.  Should we not be more concerned about curing the ailment of our world so that we can continue our lives with some reasonable harmony?

October 7th

Oh my, I knew that imbibing in brandy when I was in one of my more depressed moods could prove to be a long-winded affair and I was correct in that assumption. Ah well, sometimes I can find solutions to things just by writing them down and hope for the best.

I know that there are times that I really need to muddle through my mind and writing in a journal is one way that I can do it without adding my problems to someone else’s plate.  I know that there are healers and the like that would listen, however, I’m not sure if they could help me with some of the issues that I have to deal with.

At least I have been able to spend some time with my family in Nagrand and we’re all feeling a bit drained and bit undone with all the things that have gone, however, I do believe that we are going to survive it.  If we keep our emotions in check and accept one another for whom we are – all will be okay within the family unit.

Fnor Morningstar

OOC – Health Issues and Reading a lot


September 25th

LOL, it always seems to happen but that’s the breaks at my age. 

Dental work always sucks even if you put it off if you can.  I’ve been dealing with some bad molars (a failed crown and root canal) and a filling that died with it on a second tooth.  Lots of infections and such but I kept putting it off and finally had to do the deed. Ouchy!!   I was saving up some money to get it done and had to deal with it until I could get it done without bankrupting myself.  Got it done a week ago and still having some issues with the refit on a denture, plus, waiting on a new partial.  Funtimes but worth it in the long term.

I have played a little bit of WoW and have tried to get a few issues resolved with some characters that got “damaged” during the last patch.  Contacted CS and that was a sheer waste of time – just need to backup and regroup and not stress about it. 

While I have been dealing with the medical things, decided to do some binge reading and have read a lot of books regarding World of Warcraft, naturally.  Some of them were re-reads because it has been a while, and some were new.   I sure have been using the heck out of my Kindle and enjoying every minute of it. Going back and reading some of the books helps renew my immersion in my characters and makes me reflect on some of my stories as well, which, does make writing a lot easier for me to do – works for me at least.  Even got crazy and got the Chronicles and haven’t even started reading them yet.  I’m enjoying my reading because it’s been a good two years since I was able to really “read” a book with any kind of comfort level with my sight.  Yep, sight is still not as good as it was but at least I can still fumble my way through a book and not have to worry about it that much.

I have always enjoyed playing World of Warcraft as well as reading the books that go along with the game.  I can remember when most of the information we would get about the game was doing the reading on the forums, however, that really hasn’t been the case in the last few expansions. 

Speaking of the forums – if you’ve been reading some of the stuff, please take it with a grain of salt because these are not the people that are happy with the game in some way or other.  If I was a person looking at the game and didn’t have any knowledge of the game and how it’s played, I wouldn’t want to play it.  Sure, there are problems in the game and some of it could have been avoided if Blizzard had listened to the Beta forum people, however, they didn’t listen, and we got socked with a bunch of bugs that were not repaired.  Oh well, I’m sure that it will get resolved and I will continue to do the thing of playing and working my way through – lagging as I usually do. 

I know that the problems always flare up at the beginning of the newest expansion and people get so nasty about it that it always makes me wonder why they are still playing the game if they hate everything about it.  I play at a casual rate and enjoy it even when it’s broken because I know that it will get fixed eventually and I can always go back to it.   People yelling to fire this person and that person seems a bit mean and unrealistic – that’s just my opinion.

I know that I will probably start getting back into the game now that a lot of medical problems have been kind of resolved for the time being and will start feeling better.   I know that I will never feel like I did a few years ago and have the energy or stamina to play for the hours that I used to play.  Hey, it’s reality and sometimes RL takes longer to adult in than it used too.

Still learning my way around on the new computer – ended up having to uninstall and reinstall World of Warcraft and my addons due to having moved the files to the wrong drive. I could not figure out why some of the changes that were being made were not showing up in my files or the game.  What’s an SSD and a regular drive and what does it do?   LOL, there were some of my issues and I plead ignorance, but I think I have it figured out now. 

 

See you all in Azeroth

 

OOC – Reading is good


September 15th

I have wanting a Kindle for a long time and finally got one – hehe, that should be I have a new addiction and I’m enjoying it very much.  It was definitely fun to exercise my mind a bit and get totally immersed in the stories that I read.

Game of Thrones was my biggie and I’m waiting for the new book to be released as well as the final season on HBO.  There are some variables in the series on HBO and the books themselves but I took it all in stride and still stayed buried in the five books for a good read.

Before The Storm – excellent read for me and a light one.  Anything dealing with World of Warcraft is my jam anyway.  Got totally immersed in the story and it does help to know what lead up to the Battle of Azeroth.  My opinion of the game currently isn’t real good but I’ll hang in there to see if it gets better, I hope.

Wolfheart – oh my, just let me curl up and enjoy the moments with Varian again.  He was my hero since the beginning and when he died on the Broken Shore, it definitely took me a long while to get over that.  It’s funny how we always get so involved with some of these pixels but it is a good thing.

I have always been a real fan of World of Warcraft and I will have to say that I have enjoyed all of the expansions even when they were stinkers, however, I’m a bit disappointed with the latest one and I hope it gets better.  I know it’s only been out a month and there have been more than a few bugs and more than a few glitches – what I am waiting for is some “meat” to the story so I can lose my way through the story at least.

Well, back to finish some of my unfinished stories for my poor little characters and some more immersion, if it’s possible, in the game so that I can get the feelings back.  Funny how playing a character in the game can get you involved in their emotions and minds easily.

See you in Azeroth.

When Worlds Collide


2018-08-29 (1)

August 29th

Dear Journal,

My heart is heavy and my soul has been sorely damaged with all of the things that have happened in the last few weeks.  So many things and so many people have been lost – for what reason?  Elune has taught me that there are few things that I can do to learn that lesson, however, how many times does Azeroth have to deal with this type of conflict – for what reason?

We have fought demons and we’ve fought the scourge and we’ve fought each other for all time, or so it appears to me.  I met my beloved Sindorei in the middle of a conflict with the Horde and he saved my life.  Oh yes, I hated him at first and once I knew him, I knew that he was no different that I am on the inside.   We were supposed to be enemies and we were supposed to kill one another according to the Leaders and Warchief of the time, however, Elune had other plans for us because we fell in love.

The place that my people called home is no more, burned with the people that were still there.  Civilians and soldiers a like – babes in arms,  ancients living in their winter of their of lives.  Anyone and anything that was not fast enough to make it out of the portals and to safety were lost.   It didn’t matter that some of those people had never taken up arms in their lives and had only existed to live their lives in peace and harmony in the World Tree.  Now, they are gone, burned to ash.

I couldn’t believe what was happening because it all felt like a horrific nightmare that I only wanted to awake from.  No matter how hard I tried to wake up – it was no dream and those visions are burnt forever into my mind.

I know this war is about the azurite and the possibility of what it might do and to save our world, however, no one would have thought that the Banshee Queen would have thought immediately to turn it into a thing of mass destruction.   We have lost cities before in the past – Theramore does come to mind and the loss of life there was unbelievable.   No one was prepared, just as we weren’t prepared for the Cataclysm and losses for my people with Deathwing.  So many lives lost just so that we could start it all over again.  Where are the Gods that we have worshipped and bowed to for all of these centuries – can they not control their children any better than we can control ours?

I know that my beloved was there on Dark Shore and I know that he killed just as I did, however, I know that his heart had to be breaking as sorely as mine was.  Some of these people were friends and, yes, even family.  We were ordered as soldiers to do these things and we did them.  That doesn’t mean that we felt it was right – there was no honor in what either faction did and I know that it is only the beginning.

My family is safe because a certain Sindorei told me to get them to safety weeks before anything happened.  Bless Elune that he was willing to risk his life to let me know what he had heard in the war councils – he feels as I do, family comes first.

Amynlarae Shadowmoon

Will This Ever End


*Warning!! There could be some salty language in this post, if you’re easily offended, please do not read.*

 

August 25th

Yo Book!!

What in the Hells is going on!  What did we just do and why we did it?  I’m not getting anywhere with my questions; however, it is a thing that I am often doing these days. I’m questioning everything that I am doing and why I’m doing it.  Well, fuck, the first thing that comes to mind is that I am following orders and secondly – no one seems to understand the full ramifications of the shit that we are doing. Even Fnor is rattled and shaken with these new events.  It takes a fucking lot of stuff to rattle that man and I know because he’s been my best friend since I joined the rangers.

All I know is that we were doing the usual cleanup after a long battle with our foes in the Broken Shore and we got orders to report to the Warchief in Orgrimmar.  Okay, not a fucking problem, we’ll drop whatever we’re doing to go see what this crazy bitch has going on now.  To say that I dislike the Warchief is probably considered dangerous, however, I’d rather face that danger than deal with another pyscho in charge of the Horde.  Even the news from Silver Moon and our Regent Lord is a bit disconcerting at a time like this – we are ordered to Orgrimmar and we are going to do whatever the Banshee Queen has to say.  I’ll have to give it some thought or just pull one of my better disappearing acts.

For Light’s Sake!!  I just got my family back together and we’ve gone to Pandaria to live where the children can at least stay safe.  Romy and the children are still recovering from their ordeal as well as getting acclimated back to where they should be – they need no further trauma in their lives for now.

I know that I was just getting used to being with the kids and Romy again.  Just having them with me made my world complete and now, well, duty calls and there is no way that I can get out of it for fear that Romy could be called back to active duty as well.   I’m not one to leave the kids with other people to raise and I know how Romy feels about that sort of thing as well.

I’m still shaken by all the things that happened at the Dark Shore and the finality of the Horde burning the World Tree.  The loss of life for Night Elves was absolutely sickening and I wept as I stood there watching the tree burning.  War is war; however, this wasn’t something that any of us had ever thought would happen.  I know that Fnor was just devastated because of his wife’s family and his own relationship with many of the Elves over time.  Watching all of this almost felt like getting physically struck.

I’m ashamed to say that I followed my orders and did what I was told but that doesn’t mean that I agreed with it. A lot of us didn’t agree with any of it – why start a war with the Alliance at this point and time?  Why kill so many people for a whim of someone that isn’t exactly rational?

Honor and Loyalty – well, what the fuck does that really mean.  Honor is something for you as an individual, however, the Loyalty to a faction is a duty.  When that duty crosses the line, you must make some very hard choices and I have made mine – I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I am doing the right thing and not feel the shame that I am feeling now.

I know that I am sitting here and feeling like something soiled and thrown away.  This is not a great feeling at all – the shame is so intense that it almost makes me want to puke my guts out.   I have written to Romy and told her to not come anywhere near Kalimdor at this time and to avoid the Eastern Kingdoms because there is nothing left for her there any longer.

My mind is just rambling, and thoughts are as fleeting as the brandy that I have been drinking.

Fnar Dawnglory

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There Is No Honor In This


 

August 20th

Dear Journal,

I know it has been some time since I have written, however, it has been rather busy with things trying to wrap up with the demon incursion on the Broken Isles.  One would have thought that we would have a moment’s respite from conflict not considering that we have a Warchief that is an undead Banshee Queen in every sense of the word.

I have always followed the Horde and the war chiefs we’ve had, however, with the caveat that I was following the direction of the Regent Lord in Silvermoon.  At least that’s what I thought I was doing and felt that it was something that had to be done.  I’ve lived through Thrall, Garrosh, Vol’jin and now, Sylvanus – the latter is a different matter and I’ve never trusted her.  I know that we were all shocked when Vol’jin gave her the position and said it was from the LOA – well, was it?  I’m not real sure. This whole situation has been like a boiling cauldron and I think it has finally reached a point where it is going to be hard to choose between loyalty and honor.

In the last few weeks I have seen and done things that would have never even entered my imagination or my worst nightmare.  The whole thing has made me sickened to my very soul and the shame that I will carry for the rest of my life.  How am I going to face my wife and my sons with the things that we have done?  I haven’t seen my beloved wife since the attack on Teldrassil – I know her group of Sentinels were there, however, I know she was not amongst those that were lost because I have heard from her through our company channels.

I know that I am not the only one that was physically ill with the killing that went on at Dark Shore and it is the only time in my adult life that I wanted to just walk away from everything.  I wanted desperately to walk away from the Horde, find my beloved Amyn and run to Outland to our home in Nagrand – I may still do that if I can face her again.  I just want to make sure that my boys are okay too – I know that Vash is still in Stormwind and that Kal was with Kae and her group of Sentinels but I’m not real sure where they were during all this slaughter. I just hope that they are okay and neither of them was wounded or even killed.

I wasn’t the only one standing there sickened with the bloodshed and the horror, Dawnglory was there with me and I’m not ashamed to admit that we both had tears streaming down our faces when the order was given to set the World Tree on fire.  I know several of us were screaming for them not to do it and I assume that we are all going to hear from our Leaders at some point about our misconduct.

Now, I know that the Horde may have bitten off more than they can chew with the leadership being what it is, however, if the Regent Lord has approved of this action and will condone these heinous acts, I will follow him and trust that there is a reason for all of it that I am not privy too.

I know from my past experiences that the Alliance will retaliate, and I know that the Warchief will be there primary target.  So, its WAR again whether our people want it or not.  So, we will not have the time of peace that most of us were looking for – I can’t truly remember a time when there wasn’t a war somewhere that we were involved in.

My heart is just breaking with the pain and suffering that I have witnessed and trying to put my mind at peace is going to be a chore.  I still need to find my wife and let her know that I love her and apologize to her for my actions and the actions of others.  I hope she will forgive me and still love me.

I know that we will have to be extremely careful with our relationship and our businesses with the faction war starting up again.  We are heading into some dangerous times.

 

Fnor Morningstar