Still Searching…Frustrating…


June 28th

Yo Book!!

I know that I have spent way too much fucking time just trying to find Romy and the children.  I wonder if my feelings are wrong and I won’t be able to find them – ever.  The thought of giving up on finding them is breaking my heart and my mind just doesn’t want to believe that they have just fucking disappeared forever.  My love, my daughter and the son I’ve never seen – how can this be?

I have worked my ass off for the Horde and I keep getting sent away to places that I could care less about than where my would-be wife and children are.  Every time I feel like I am making some progress on my search, I get recalled to that stupid Garrison in Draenor or they expect me to head to the Broken Shore with my men.  No, I don’t want to go, I want to find my family and then I can spend my time with them and then attend to my duties.  My family must take the priority in my life.  Fuck the reigning parties at this point, The Banshee Queen as the Warchief?  How can that be?  The most evil of all women and she is going to lead the Horde to its own destruction.   I’m still following the orders that I get from the Regent Lord and obeying the pledge that I gave for my people, however, this new regime is not to my personal liking at all.

It’s been months since my family disappeared and all we have are a little shoe that belonged to my son and the rumors that there may have been some survivors at the crash site of the Zep, however, where did they go?  Did they get some medical attention?  Have the left the area or are they being held prisoner by someone?  So many questions unanswered.

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw myself and can tell that this worrying and stress has taken a toll on me physically.  Too much drinking and too much depression has left its mark and it will be a while before that goes away, I’m sure.  At least I don’t have any gray hair showing in my hair yet, that would be a definite worry for me because I have always been vain about my appearance.  Yes, I do need to start thinking about other things and trying to rebuild some of my life instead of just living it one day at a time.

I am going to have to take my life in hand and try to get on with something normal.  I can’t just keep hoping that they will all turn up and things will be as they once were.  That never happens, we can’t erase the time that has gone by and I can’t step back into the lives of my children when they probably don’t even remember what I look like – my son has never seen me, so, the little fellow would have no clue as to whom I might be.  Has Romy survived this and has she gotten on with her life or is she still trying to come back to me – I don’t know.  In my heart, I want her back so badly that it is almost painful to dwell on it so much.   That red hair, those lovely arms that held me so tightly and the kisses that would make any man swoon with desire.  I truly had never known the passion that this one woman could arouse in me and she was the only one that ever pulled me to that level – I miss her voice, that lilting laughter, that quick wit. Just the sheer longing for her causes me such emotional and physical pain that I can hardly manage it.

No, I have not been with another woman and haven’t been with anyone for over a year and my libido is sadly missing at this point.  Now, I have another problem.  It appears Faendra Morningstar has decided in her infinite wisdom that Romy is never coming back and that I should take her as my wife. That is never going to happen, even if there were a remote possibility of it happening.  She is truly making a pest of herself.

I have decided that I will leave Pandaria, the farm will be taken care of by my friends and I will try to stay in Orgrimmar for a while or even Silvermoon.  At least Faendra will not have easy access to my person if I am in either of those places.   Of course, there is always my Garrison to hide out in, however, I do dislike freezing my ass off every time the wind blows.  I just can’t afford to have any mishaps or other distractions until I can get my life back under control.

Fnar Dawnglory

Still Searching…


*Some coarse language used, please do not read if you’re easily offended. *

 

February 2nd

Yo Book!!

It’s been a while since I have written in my journal, however, I have been rather busy trying to keep up with my fucking duties and trying to find my wayward woman and my children.  It’s not been easy and I have spent a hell of lot of time trying to figure out where she could have fucking disappeared too.

I think I’ve gone through spells of depression and then I got angry and back to the depression again. I have my own way of grieving and sometimes it works better than it has currently.   Romy was such a large part of my life and the kids were everything I had ever hoped for – now, they are gone.  I think the loneliness is the hardest part to handle and it will be with me until I can get some closure on this or at least fucking find them.  I know that she was stubborn and was always good at taking care of herself, however, I never thought that she would just pack up and leave like she appears to have done.   When I am not on duty, I’m trying to follow up on any clues that I might have uncovered and it has taken this long for me to sit here and just write.

I’ve talked to so many people in Pandaria and searched the place until I can hardly stand it – she and the children are not here and it does point more to her leaving and going to Northrend. Of course, tracking down the pack that she was always with before has been more of a challenge than anything else.

Let me explain this a little bit.  Romy was with a group of family members that have chosen a different lifestyle and handle things more in the ways of wolves.  They have the Alpha males and females and everyone raises the kids together.  They tend to hunt in packs or something of that nature which has allowed them to survive in the northern part of Northrend.  I had met them all before we were together and had talked to many of the leaders, bonding with them.   Now, I can’t even seem to find all the old encampments.  It’s almost as if they have disappeared.

Of course, there is another branch of the family that is more civilized that the Northrend group, although, that could be debatable.  Naturally, the branch that lives in and around Silvermoon are more of the matriarchal society than anything else. It almost reminds me of how the Night Elves live most of the time than true Sindorei.  I think that these traditions and habits that they appear to have are more based on High Born practices than most want others want to show.  Makes me wonder about the family bloodlines a bit but that is beside the point.  I just want to find Romy and my children and get them back home with me.  Sometimes the loneliness is more than I can stand.

Romy had left some pictures behind when she left the farm in Half Hill and I have gathered them up and put them away so that nothing will happen to them and she can have them when she returns. Pictures of us being happy together and pictures of the children.  Yes, I finally got to see what my boy looks like and I must say that he looks more like his Mother than he does me – the red hair and coloring.  I bet he will grow up to be a very handsome young man.   I hope that I can find them all before he is a man – just knowing that they are all out there somewhere makes my heart keep hope that we will be together again someday.  I know that there are times that I have a terrible time holding back my tears and they are even streaming down my face as I write.

How could such happiness just disappear, how could the love we had seemed to have changed for some reason?  I’m afraid that I have truly brutalized Faendra with my suspicions that she might have had something to do with their disappearance to the point that she wrote to her brother and begged him to tell me that she had nothing to do with them being gone.  Yes, she did say that she still loved me, however, she would never do anything to Romy or the babies – they were mine and she knew how much I loved them.

Ah well, I suppose that I should quit writing tonight and head out to do some wandering around and visiting with some of the neighbors here in Half Hill.  I know that the women always ask if I had found Romy yet, which tears the wound open a bit.

Fnar Dawnglory

 

 

Time…What Else Is There?


*Note:  There is some language in this post and if you’re easily offended, please do not read it.

 

December 12th

 

Yo Book!!

 

This has always been my favorite time of year and this year would have been the best.  Damn it!! Where is she?  Yeah, I’m still fucking looking everywhere I can think of, any place that she ever mentioned or I knew that she liked.  I’ve put up fliers in every place that I could think of to try to get information about Romy and the kids, nothing yet.  I even posted a reward, damn it all, don’t people need money anymore? Where the hell is she?  Has she decided that she no longer wants me in her life?  What is going on?  I am so confused and broken-hearted at this point that I don’t know what else to do except to keep looking for her and the kids – I want them back, I want my family back.  Did she meet someone else and went away with them?

I have quit drinking because all it did was make me sick and didn’t seem to dull the pain like it did back in the days before I met the “love of my life” and it only makes me want her back even more now. Oh sure, women think that when you’re drowning yourself in your cups at an Inn that you’re looking for company – I have gotten slapped for telling them to go away now.   I’m not looking for anyone else to be with, I just want Romy back.

Fnor has put up a reward for information too as well as giving all the people in the company a notice of a huge bonus if they stumble upon any information that might help me find my family again.  So far, nothing has been found.  I always knew that Romy would disappear and not be found if she chose to do that, however, I never thought that she would take our children and just disappear like she has.

I even got into a fucking fight with Faendra because I accused her of doing something to Romy and the kids!  I know that she has always been jealous of Romy and the relationship that had developed between us – I know how devious Fae can be when things don’t go her way.  For Light’s Sake!! I’ve watched that girl grow up and I know how manipulative she is.  She’s not off the hook yet because I wouldn’t ever believe she didn’t have something to do with this.

Everyone is under the impression that Romy took the kids to visit in Northrend because that is what she has told them.  I haven’t been able to locate he Father either, I would assume that he is on the Broken Isle and I haven’t had time to search that whole place yet – too much fighting to just dedicate myself to my search.

I have been lonely before, however, this time I am lonely and I feel dead inside – there is a difference.

 

Fnar Dawnglory

Still Searching…


April  15th

Dear Journal,

I haven’t written in a while because there just doesn’t seem much to report on or even to hang onto my memories.  I have spent months going through my Ranger training and I have put in for transfers every single time that I have been at a point where I could hopefully qualify to no avail.  I know that it is kind of hard to realize that I have spent all of these months just to track down this man that may or may not be my Father or not. Why is it so important for me to find him at this point?

I think my biggest thing is that I want him to acknowledge my existence, I want him to recognize the fact that he left my Mother to suffer the indignity of having a child out of wedlock and basically ruined her life.  I want him to know that there were consequences to his actions to take responsibility for it.  Am I being childish?  I don’t think so, I want to be able to take my real surname and feel some pride in the fact and not be just another bastard that was sired by a man having a fling with a woman of questionable morale character.

My Mother was a wonderful woman.   She was beautiful, she loved life and she really would have made some man happy because she was a very caring person.  Her one mistake in her life that allowed me to be born colored part of her life that made her feel as if she weren’t as good as her friends.  I know that her family tried to get her married off a couple of times, however, once the fact came out that she had a child already kind of killed any of the contracts that they would try to make for her.  She often times would sigh and be sad for a time after one of these marriages fell through and I could tell that it made her feel that wasn’t worthy of being happy.  I know that she would talk about my Father sometimes and I always felt that she was trying to make me realize that he wasn’t an uncaring person and that there had to be a reason why he never came back to her.

What I have been able to find out about this Dawnglory is the fact that he has always been a rounder and a drinker.  He has had many women in his life and he never has seemed to settle with just one woman because he was either afraid of the commitment or he wasn’t a person that cared for his partner enough to want to stay with him.  What little information that I had about him the last time I had any gold to buy the information was that he was in Pandaria as a second-in-command to this Fnor Morningstar.  I’ve also been able to find out something about this fellow as well – seems he’s a pretty stand-up guy and is well respected by people in Silvermoon – is that from the massive wealth that he has accumulated over the years?  I have no idea.  I just know that the two men are still Rangers and they are still serving our countrymen by doing their military duty.

I think that I can understand how people were and still are complaining about Orgrimmar.  I’m not overly fond of the place.  It’s dirty, it’s noisy and there are just too many Orcs.  I’m not saying that I dislike them or anything because I’m sure that they aren’t too thrilled with having all of these races in their city either.   I have found myself staying more in the Tauren area of the city because it seems like it is a little bit cleaner and I know that the Tauren keep things fairly quiet in their area.

I know that I was passing through the city yesterday and noticed a building that was being repaired and noticed that they were putting a sign out front and the name caught my attention.  Morningstar  Enterprises – the very same one that is in Silvermoon City too.  I guess I’ll keep my eyes peeled and do some investigating around to find out more about this Morningstar thing and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to catch Dawnglory here in Orgrimmar and I won’t have to keep working my tail off trying to get to Pandaria or this new place that everyone is talking about.

I know that I will have to get this situation resolved before I can truly get on with my life and to have the peace of mind that I feel like I deserve.

 

Hanlin Darkstrider

Wandering Ways…Again


August 4th

Dear Journal,

I have been spending some time in Pandaria with my Sindorei and I don’t know what it is that he thinks that he can keep the fact from me that he has been with another woman.   His whole demeanor changes and he is so attentive that it is almost suffocating.  I know that he has been faithful to our wedding vows that we took in the Sindorei fashion before we ever left Dalaran, however, I know that he has been going through some trying times on his own…we need to start being together more often in Nagrand.

I did confront him with the fact that I knew he had been with another and he tried his best to deny it and said that he was just preoccupied with the business and some of his family things.   Well, I might have believed that for a little while, however, he did mention that he had been to Dalaran, even though I had told him to avoid it because it would be too upsetting for him.  Silly man, that was just like waving a flag in front of a bull and expecting it not to charge you.

I know that his trip to Dalaran upset him very much and he was almost in tears when he described what was left of our home and how it had been degraded by the people there now.  To think that all of that time and all those years of working on the building were for naught, I can tell that it really did matter to him very much.  That house was his pride and joy and I knew that even when the boys and I were still living in Shattrath in that tiny little hovel that we had for a time.  I know that to him that the house meant that he had been successful in his own right.  He had been a Ranger and was in business for himself now and had accumulated enough wealth to where he thought that he could surpass anything that he had seen in his beloved Silvermoon.

What was a dead giveaway to me about his being unfaithful was the way that he wouldn’t meet my eyes and the way that he started blushing when I asked him how things were going in Silvermoon.  I asked him if Agatha had been able to find a housekeeper that would be suitable and agreeable to our arrangement in Nagrand.  He acted a bit startled when I asked about Agatha, so, at least I know who the woman is now because the look in his eyes told me so.

Am I hurt?  Well, yes, any woman would be hurt if she thought that her man had been with another, however, my hurt comes from the fact that we had both agreed that we would remain faithful to one another after we had taken the wedding vows.  We have been mated for years, we just formalized it to make his friends and acquaintances feel more comfortable with our arrangement.   All of the years that we have been mated in the Kaldorei fashion, he has always had his mistresses, I was one of them I suppose when he was looking for a Sindorei wife.  Yes, that did hurt especially after I had given birth to our two sons in rapid succession, which is almost unheard of with my people.  Yes, my Sindorei is definitely fertile and I was more than willing to carry his children.   I have always expected other children to crop up from some of his wandering ways, however, that hasn’t been the case as far as I know either. I know that I am both hurt and angry with him, yet, there is a part of me that understands the wants and needs of a man of  his sort, I have those same feelings from time to time, however, I have not resorted to taking comfort with another man.

The thought never entered my mind except for the time when we were separated for a very long time and I had taken a Kaldorei male to my bed, bore him two sons as well.   I was very sure at that time that my Sindorei was never coming back and I was wrong.  Did I love this other man? Oh yes I did, sometimes I often wondered what might have happened if he had lived a long life instead of having it cut short in a hunting accident in Nagrand. Was I ever formally mated to this other man?  No, we never took vows, however, we were as committed to one another as any mated pair could be.   My Sindorei did come back to Shattrath long before my youngest children’s Father died and it was rather strange how the two of them became friends.  Naturally, there were the usual recriminations from my Sindorei about my being unfaithful and all I had to do was to remind him of his own indiscretions with his Sindorei women.

Oh yes, Elune knows what a turbulent life the two of us have led and she also knows how much we both love our children.  We have stayed together all of these years because of the love we shared for one another and because of our children as well.

Now, I am wondering if I should just tell him that I know that he has been unfaithful and all of his trying to hide the fact and denying it when I confronted him are not going work?  Should I just tell him that I know what he has done and I even know whom the woman is that he did it with?

Am I angry?  Yes, to a certain level I am very angry, however, the anger does not surpass the initial hurt from this straying.  Why would I think that one ceremony would bear more weight with his conduct than what our vows were previously?  I guess in my mind, it would make him realize that I was equal to these other women that he found so alluring and that I was very much the woman that he loved.  I know that this thing with Agatha is a physical thing for the most part.  Will I ask him to fire her from her position that she has held all of these years?  No, I don’t think that I will because if she is still in the picture after all of this time that they have been together as housekeeper and employer, I will at least know where he has strayed.

Oh why does he do this sort of thing to me after all of these years?  Why does he think that my Sentinel heart will not break as easily as another’s heart?  I am a Sentinel first, however, the woman in me is still very much there and very much feels the pain of these missteps of his.  No, I won’t leave him, however, I will have one those discussions with him that he always dreads, the ones where I let my temper free and tell him exactly what kind of animal I think he is when he does this sort of thing.  How can he even pretend to rear our children and setting up standards for them to follow when he doesn’t follow them himself.  At least I follow the goals that I have set up for myself and I have been more than a little patient with my man.  That’s the problem, he will always be my man, there could never be another that could take his place in my heart and I am mature enough to know this.  He is still my love, my life and my all – even if he is a Sindorei that can’t seem to keep his lust under control.

Amyn

 

Broken Vows And Shattered Dreams…


Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author

 

June 29th

Dear Journal,

Well, I’ve done something that I took an oath with myself about that I have broken.  Good or bad, the deed has been done and can’t be undone.  Everyone knows my feelings about Dalaran and how much I have been thinking about the place since we were driven out by that insane Proudmore wench. Everyone that knows that I am married to Amyn knows my feelings there as well.

I finally got up the nerve and with the help of a good friend of mind, I got myself heavily disguised as a rather older Kaldorei and decided to take the trip back to where I’ve longed to be since I left.  I almost wish that I hadn’t done it now because I was absolutely heartsick by the time I left.  I just went to see the sights and to see how much things had changed.  It almost seems like an alien place to me now and I doubt that I will ever return to what was once my home of choice for so many years.  So much of my life was spent there.

The house that I had remodeled and put my heart into is no longer the same.  It’s now an office type of place housing who knows what and it appears as though the upstairs may be some kind of barracks for some of the officers stationed in Northrend.  Let’s just say that anything that was remotely Sindorei has been removed or destroyed, disfigured or just erased from any surface.  The slate floor in the foyer is ruined by all standards and it looks as though they haven’t even attempted to keep the place up at all.

I guess it is true that you can’t go “home” again after having been away from it for so long.  Things change and time moves on, so, nothing is ever the same as it was that you had in your memory for nostalgia to call up.  Oh well, I suppose that I shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was because Amyn has told me about some of the changes and it isn’t like I didn’t believe her, however, one does tend to filter out some information when we find it unpleasant or not to our liking.

I did spend a great deal of time wandering about and looking into some of the different shops that I would frequent when I was in town and I was very dismayed to see that the new owners were primarily human or gnomes in some cases.  Gone are the days of stopping in to visit with a shopkeeper and having a nice friendly chat and possibly coming up with some good bargains due to a friendship that had been nurtured over the years. Ah well, no sense in me dwelling on things in the past, however, I did love that city.

I’ll be the first to admit that when I got back to Silvermoon and retired to my rooms, unnoticed I might add other than a passing glance and a cursory wave from Agatha’s little sister as we passed in the great room.  She’s a likeable young lady, even if she does have a wildness about her that reminds me very much of myself at her age.  I went to my rooms and sat at my desk and poured myself some nice brandy and took a long draught of it before I just sat there and wept like a schoolboy with shattered dreams.

Agatha came into my rooms,  without really knocking, she doesn’t’ have too after all of these years, however, I had a little bit of trouble maintaining my composure after my emotional dam had broken.  She and I have a long history together and she is one person on the face of Azeroth other than my wife that probably knows me better than most in my weakest moments.   She walked over to my desk and stood there for a few moments before moving closer to me and putting her arms around me as best she could before I stood up and returned her embrace.

Oh, I’ll admit that we have had our passionate moments together and we have made love without any of the strings attached, however, I have abstained from breaking my vows to Amyn until last night.  I don’t know if it was the raw emotions or just the timing as to why it actually happened.  I had just gotten back from spending time with my wife and had been properly satiated in the physical aspects of our marriage before I came back and went to Dalaran.

As I stood there with this woman in my arms, the embraces turned to kisses and the kisses became more passionate between the two of us.  Before I had even realized it, I had pushed her back against the desk and as she lowered herself to the surface, pushing the objects off, I took her.  Plain and simple, I made love to a woman that has been in my life almost as long as Amyn has.  She didn’t object and responded with the passion that I remembered very well from our time in Dalaran together.  It was like two old lovers rekindling the desire in one another that we had long since died. When I awakened this morning, Agatha was in bed with me and I’ll admit that we did make love again.  She then got up and left the room without so much as a cursory talk.

Now, do I feel guilty about what happened?  Yes, I do.  I love Amyn more than anything in this world and I know that my breaking of our vows would probably hurt her more than anyone could ever realize.  I think she might understand why it happened, however, would she be understanding enough to forgive me?  I don’t know.  Will it happen again?  Very possibly, I don’t know.  If it is just Agatha, I don’t think that Amyn would care, if she knew.  I’ve always had mistresses, Amyn was one that had won my heart and had given me our children.  Will I ever tell her?  Probably not, why would I want to hurt her that way and why would I take that risk?

I know that Agatha understands why it happened last night and I know that she will take it in stride as she has so many times in the past.  We have never said that we loved one another or anything of that nature, it’s always been a matter of comforting one another in an hour of need.  Last night was no different in my eyes, however, I do need to talk to her and see what her feelings truly are.  If she wants to continue on in the same vein as we have in the past, will she want to leave my employment to escape the chances that we might fall from grace again, I’ll have to talk with her.  We’ve never had a problem discussing all manner of things together and I don’t think that she would have any problem with this talk.

I’ll admit that I am somewhat ashamed of myself, however, at the same time, I’m giving myself the excuse that it was my emotional state that caused the weakness to overtake my common sense.   I’ll admit that these long lapses in time spent with my wife have probably made me a bit more tempted than I’d like to admit.  Agatha is a known quantity and yes, I have been attracted to some of the other women here in Silvermoon, however, I have not given into any of those desires. I feel very badly that I have broken my marriage vows to Amyn and I hope that the guilt isn’t something that will be too difficult to bear.

Fnor Morningstar

Learning To Care…


May 24th

Dear Journal,

After returning from one of our many trips out into the Jade Forest with some of the newer and I might also mention untrained recruits that have come our way to introduce to the perils of Pandaria, I thought that I saw Felaran’s sister amongst the group that I was traveling with – however, there are quite a few redheads, this one stood out because she was too busy pouting about the filth and the uncouth way that the Rangers she was with were conducting themselves.  Sure did sound like her, all haughty and full of angst.  I honestly don’t think that I will mention it to Fel just yet, I’ll wait to see what happens in the next few days because I am sure that I will be getting assigned to them again – why me, well, my temperament is such that I am considered a bit easy going for a Death Knight.  Fel’s temper seems to flare with some of the new people and I guess that it’s best that I take on the duty rather than have her going on after we go home about how stupid some of these people can be.

I guess Fel is still disappointed as I am about the fact that even if we wanted to get married, the authorities in Silvermoon have turned down our applications because we’re “dead” and unable to reproduce an heir to our family name.  Well, hello, we just wanted a piece of paper that would tell the world that we’re together, not that we were going to be going at it like bunnies to make babies – we do go at it quite a bit because we can, however, we’re just as happy with raising FuzzButt as our child, even if he is a cat.  We may be part of the unliving of this world, however, that doesn’t mean that we have no feelings for one another and would have liked to formalize it in some way.   I honestly think that if we had more gold between us, some coins could have crossed hands and we would have that piece of paper now, however, Fel’s temper got the best of her and I don’t think that a Magister has been called as many names in such a short amount of time either – poor fellow was turning various shades of red that almost went to purple a few times.   Maybe we can try again in a few weeks after the tempers have cooled down a little bit more and maybe I’ll suggest that I do the talking this time.

I made our wedding rings – very intricate jade pieces with the runes of our blades carved delicately into each one – hers on mine and mine on hers – we thought that it would make for some interesting topics of conversation as well as showing that we’re not ashamed of what we are either.  Death Knights are indeed a special breed and we know it – there is no harm in taking pride in it any longer, it wasn’t a choice that we willingly made anyway.

Oh, I do wish that some of the living could share some of the feelings that we have sometimes.  There is nothing more fulfilling or as loving with Death Knights to be in a battle, shoulder to shoulder, our Rune Blades singing in harmony as we cut down our foes – the feelings that we both get from that is more akin to what some of the living have to wait for some very intimate and intense moments  – we take joy in our work like no other sentient being can or ever will have the ability to do so.  When that Blades hunger to be fed and that appetite is quenched, there is nothing more gratifying to the two of us – we gain that feeling of peace and we also gain a lot more between the two of us.  I wish that I had the words to explain how it feels because until Fel and I started working together, I never felt that before.  It is akin to having sex and not at the same time.

I suppose some would find it odd that Death Knights are capable of loving – we are.  It’s not the same as it would be with the living, however, there are times that I wonder if it isn’t more intense in a lot of ways.  I know that Fel has taught me so much about being “alive” again than I would have ever found out about on my own  – I tended to stay to myself to avoid the stigma that some of my brethren have brought upon us through no fault of their own.  To say that she has taught me how to “live” again is just something that has happened – I now have emotions that I thought were lost to me, they make me feel more alive and more in touch with the living than I have had since the day I became aware of the killing machine that I have become.

Yes, I get a lot of teasing from people about my cat, FuzzButt, and that’s okay.  He’s taught me how to be more gentle and caring with the smaller things in life.  I learned how to make him purr and I have learned how to play again.  I’m not sure that I knew much about playing when I was alive, however, playing with this little cat has taught me how to be gentle again, which I am sure that Felaran probably appreciates.

I still have thoughts flash through my mind of my past life – some of the evil that I had done – I also catch glimpses of what might have been my family in my past life.  I keep seeing an older couple in my thoughts that might have been my parents, I’m not sure.   Maybe the Lich King’s minions did the right thing in wiping our memories, however, I wonder how much of that was to make us more capable of killing everything in our paths while we were under his control and not feel the guilt that most of humanity would have felt, I don’t know.   I don’t think that I will ever understand all of the reasoning behind it.   There are times that I find myself rather envious of Felaran’s memories and her ability to have a family surrounding here while I have nothing to cling too of my past life.  Luckily, I suppose, she gives me the stability that I had been missing as well as erasing that loneliness that I had endured for so many years before I met her.   She has taught me what it means to love and care about someone again – this I will always be thankful for.

One of the things that I have started doing since we bought our farm is to produce more of the jewelry that people seem to like.  Rings, necklaces and some very delicate pieces that can only be described as home decorations.  I can take real joy and pride in my work as I see them getting sold almost as soon as I finish them.  Felaran always laughs and chuckles at me when she sees me with my face buried in my work, the delicate pieces keep my mind occupied with the way that they seem to almost tell me how to cut the stones or wrought the gold to embellish them.   At least at the farm, I have my own space for my workbench and Fel likes to come over and look at some of the pieces – she actually helped me design our wedding rings.  Oh yes, hers was definitely the harder of the two to make because it is so tiny, however, it is beautiful  – yes, we are going to wear them even if Silvermoon doesn’t recognize the fact that we’re man and wife, we do.

Oh yes, I did ask her brother for her hand in marriage and he gave his permission although I will have to admit that his facial expression gave away his feelings.  I suppose he never  thought that Death Knights could care for one another, however, we can and do.  That poor fellow has his own crosses to bear with his relationships too – his wife in another faction, his sons being raised in a different kind of race and will never be able to grace his home with their presence in Silvermoon unless they sneak in.  Love has its own way of torturing our souls, if we truly have them, and making us do the things that we do.  Even Death Knights know what it is to suffer the loss of friends.  Ah well, I wax nostalgic here and it’s just wasting time that I need to be spending on some work that I have been commissioned to do.

A crown?  Not a tiara, mind you, a crown that symbolizing some kind of royalty.  Ah well, if it’s a crown that this woman wants, it will be a crown that she will get, however, she is going to have to be forthcoming with some gold before I can truly start the heavy work on it.  That means another meeting in Silvermoon and another discussion of what she requires.  She actually makes me feel uneasy when we are talking, there is just an air around her that makes me feel that she isn’t what she presents to the public eye.

Some of the runes that she wants in her design make me feel extremely uncomfortable because it’s not something that I would think that a mage would have knowledge of.  No, I haven’t discussed this with Felaran although she is aware of the commission and the money forthcoming, however, she might be a bit put off with the way that this woman acts when she’s around me.  A few passes, a few hints and some blatant winks – no, I’m not interested in this living woman and I need to find a more diplomatic way in trying to make her understand that.

Ah well, time to head back to the Jade Forest and try to get some of the recruits to understand that they don’t have to kill everything in the forest all at once – or to lead them back to me to kill for them, that’s not my job.

Ty Ravencrest

 

 

 

Successful Business..Personal Success…Well


 

Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author

 

May 17th

Dear Journal,

I do seriously like to consider myself a man of peace, however, I am beginning to wonder at my sanity on that point because there doesn’t seem to be anything of that nature in the offing for any of the races.  There is always strife, the peace offerings made, broken, and then, idiocy seems to have taken over my faction of the Horde.  Why, after all of these years, all of our people sacrificing our lives and families to a faction that put loyalty to the front above all else, we look like we have sacrificed our honor to a madman.

I was a bit astounded when I got a letter from one of the other Ambassadors because I felt that my services that had been rendered in the past were for naught.  It appears as though I have been invited to return to Orgrimmar and sit on the council again, I’m not sure what the reasoning behind that is since I have already sworn my allegiance to the Regent Lord.   I am less inclined to rejoin a group of men that already know my feelings about the current Warchief.

When I was a much younger man, I might have jumped at the chance to serve the Horde, however, with age has come a little bit more in the way of wisdom and less patriotic fervor.  I have spent my entire life in the service of the Horde, putting it before my family, my friends and even against my own judgment at times.  In the days of Thrall, there was a certain Code of Honor that was upheld and unwritten rules of conduct, however, with this fool that we currently have sitting in Orgrimmar dictating the policies,  there doesn’t appear to be much in the way of Honor in my opinion.  I’m just curious why they should suddenly think that I would want to rejoin that mayhem?  Okay, I will meet with them and see what they have to say, however, I already know my answer to the whole situation – a resounding “no” because it would be taking a step back instead of progressing forward as I have done in the last year.

Between Amyn and I, we have established Morningstar Enterprises and Shadowmoon Enterprises in the all of the most strategic places and I will have to admit that the profits are almost sinful.  The Shattrath operation is going surprisingly well even with the fact that I have poor Zippie running hither and yon to keep the records straight, I do need to talk to her about getting an assistant for her that will help her with all of this – it always makes me sad to see her walking around with a smile on her face and, yet, her brow is always furrowed in thought.   All work and no play is not good for anyone, however, she has made sure that we’re showing a profit across the board in our accounts.

The operation that we’re starting in Pandaria is still going to be some months out before we can truly get that running smoothly.  The location in the Jade Forest that Amyn and I inspected is going to be perfect although it will require a bit of an expansion in order to accommodate the goods as well as the employees that might want to stay there to avoid the expenses of staying in an Inn or they just want to keep out of sight.  When you’re in my line of business, you will have people of all social standings and races to deal with – some of them may have unsavory reputations in some of the cities or locations, however, if they conduct themselves and do their jobs, I am not going to pry into their pasts all that much.

Mercenaries are a special brand of person that really warrants some watching, however, I keep the pay scale high enough to where the ones that I have working for me are not going to be disloyal unless someone comes along with a higher paycheck.   I often worry that some of them might get it in their minds to do something that would be both detrimental to the company and to myself.  There are rumors of things that have reached my ears that are not pleasing.

In the past and in most areas that I travel in currently, the marriage between Amyn and myself is still definitely frowned upon not only for the social stigma as well as the faction loyalties being called into question.  I know that I don’t worry about it as much as I should anymore because it has been eons since anyone has called that into question.  Yes, I did murder a man in Dalaran for intimating that he was going to “turn” the lot in for the rewards that are still being offered even today.    I worry more about the safety of my sons in Stormwind because you may never know who is a true friend or foe, however, Amyn and the boys have experience enough to keep the heritage hidden as well as they can.

Do I worry about things being any better in Silvermoon?  Yes, I do, however, I have enough money that I can usually wriggle my way out of any kind of political turmoil that might result of the exposure.  I am more concerned about the social fallout from Faendra’s latest escapade, however, that is going to be her problem to deal with, not mine.

At least I had only started making overtures to different families to start the bargaining for a good match for her.  It isn’t like it was the last time where I had to pay out her dowry because she had run away a month before the wedding.  I was embarrassed and completely humiliated by some of the people involved, however, with the proper payments being made, the social ladder wasn’t damaged all that much for the rest of the family.   It would have been a good match for her and it might have straightened her head out a little bit, although, I am beginning to wonder if there is anything that will get her to see the reality of things.

I do feel responsible for the monster that I have unleashed on the world, however, I did the best that I could at raising her in what I thought was the correct fashion.  I had no parenting skills to speak of when I had this child put into my care after my parents were killed.  What is a young Ranger going to do with a baby?   I lived in a tent, I had no way of caring for her when I went out on patrols, so, the foster family track was the one that I chose for her – she was later joined by Dawnglory’s sister, Felessa, which seemed to work out fairly well.  Comparing Faendra and Felessa is like comparing night and day – Felessa has done well with her marriage and giving birth to a son seems to have pleased the parties concerned.  Faendra could have had the same kind of life, however, the wild streak that showed up in her when we left Dalaran really did seem to take a stronger hold her thought processes and actions.   The girl actually kind of scares me because it’s like dealing with two different people when I talk to her.  One minute, she’s sweetness and light, then, she starts behaving like a raging maniac that feels the world owes her everything – most me in that world.

I’ve cried, ranted and raved, prayed to the Light, the Sunwell and even Elune to give me some guidance as to what I can do to make Faendra a better person.  I know that it’s not totally my fault, however, she wouldn’t feel that she’s entitled to everything if I hadn’t spoiled her completely by giving her everything that she ever asked for.   The one thing that I can’t do or wouldn’t do is to marry her off to my best friend – Dawnglory deserves better than that in his life.

 

Fnor Morningstar

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday…


May 6th

Dear Journal,

It’s been a few days since I have written in my journal, however, life or in my case, unlife has been rather busy and extremely profitable.  I know that it seems as if I am on a treadmill of sorts, I go out mining, prospect my jewels that I wish to use at a future time and sell the ones that I don’t need at the moment.  At least it is giving me the opportunity to see this new continent of Pandaria.

I have run into quite a few of my Ebon Blade brethren up here in this vast land and they all say the same thing.   This country doesn’t appear to be as biased towards our kind as they appear to be in the Eastern Kingdoms, Kalimdor and yes, even Northrend.  I know from y own experience that I have seen the looks that people will give my kind on occasion, however, it seems to be quickly masked up here.

I don’t need the money that I am earning these days, however, I do need the companionship of my fellows to keep from going stark raving mad.  I have no desire to  return to those days when I was a mindless killing machine running amuck wherever the Lich decided to send me and do his bidding.   I did join up with a group of mercenaries  that works primarily with the soldiers that are still maintaining their vigil and battling over this very prosperous land.  I am still serving the King and Country as was my choice prior to my demise.   I willingly admit that some of them I wouldn’t have ever socialized with in my days of life, however, they are a decent lot for the most part.   There are quite a few of them that have no memories of their pasts, some that have some angst at being what they are and some, yes, some that feel that the living have  no place in this world.  I am very careful to keep my own feelings very well guarded when I am around these people.  Yes, I am there to earn money and yes, I am there to feed my Rune Blade along with the rest of them.  Without the killing of man and beast, that Blade would drive us insane enough to where we might fall against one another.

I still have a few living friends that I will socialize with in the Valley of Four Winds and in the Vale, however, they know that I am somewhat reserved in their presences even if I am or appear to be quite wealthy in my own right.

I have been asked many times about my family in Stormwind and I tell them I cannot remember them.  However, I do remember them quite well and there are times that I have that longing to be with them and relive some of those close family memories, however, the deal was struck that they would send me money on a monthly basis so that I could survive on my own, and not to darken their door.  It isn’t every day that you return home such as I did and to find that your family would not take joy in having you back in any condition.  However, with my change, they are too embarrassed at the thought that I was that poor of a soldier that I fell in battle – which they honored with a fine headstone in the cemetery and honored as hero – they seem shamed that I was changed into what I am today.

Ah, yes, I do seem to be dwelling on that subject a bit today and maybe it’s because if I were living, it would have been the day of my birth.  I wonder if they had a party in my name or even took a walk to the cemetery to place flowers upon my empty grave.  Being a person with a sick and twisted sense of humor and a changed name, if I were closer to Stormwind, I would take flowers to my empty grave and stand there admiring the nice stonework that was wrought by the masons.  Oh, they did a bang up job on the flower and vine carvings, honoring the fallen first born of the family.  I can only but imagine the Wake that was held in my honor.

No, I am not thrilled at being shunned by my family, at least I didn’t kill them all as some of my fellows have done when they returned home and were met with the same response that I was given, however, I know that I would remember it all – my memories are very much intact which is indeed an oddity amongst my new kin. Do I get angry with how my life has changed, of course I do, I still have some of those emotions, however, it wouldn’t serve me well to let those emotions become known.

I am enjoying my unlife in Pandaria.  I can still enjoy the sunshine and even the rain.  I know that I can take some pleasure in knowing that I will never grow old, I will never have the ailments that befall others in their old age, however, I will never have a wife, a family or a real home of my own.  Certainly, I can buy a parcel of land in Halfhill and become a gentleman farmer of sorts, which is something that appeals to a part of me.   At least it will have a little house where I can hide away and work on the jewelry that I have been gathering stones for and sell those at the market.  I have several fine pieces that I may journey back to Stormwind to sell in the near future.   Even though I may be just another Death Knight trapped in this world, I still have the need to call a place home.

If I had any doubts about my condition in this world, the wants and needs of a man alive, I would have probably gone completely out of my mind.   There are so many beautiful women  of all races that if I were alive, I’m sure that I would try to bed the majority of them before some jealous husband did me in.

 

Oh well, I suppose I could go to the Inn tonight and sample a few brews, the affect on me is minimal, however, I do feel the need to drink a few and to toast myself on this, the day of my birth as a human being, even if I am currently dead.

Devon Maldevon

A Time Of Reflection…


April 22nd

Dear Journal,

Have you ever awakened from a deep slumber filled with such sadness that you wanted to weep, not truly understanding the reasoning behind it?  This morning was such a morning for me and I sat in my bed pondering many thoughts as to why I might feel this terrible sadness.  No, it was not a premonition of things to come, these feelings were buried deep and came from the past.

Rather than sit there wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided to get up and prepare breakfast while the others still slept.   I had brought several bags of pine nuts with me when I came to Pandaria since I knew that they were a favorite of my children and myself.  As I set about pounding the nuts into a nice coarse grain for their favorite pine nut mash, the thought came into my mind as to why I was so sad.

I was once married to a wonderful Bull and he was indeed the love of my life.  He had a kindness that made me feel that he cared for everything in the world even though he was a very skilled hunter.  I know that some of the other hunters used to make fun of him because he would always stop and make an offering to the Earth Mother  for the life taken.  He would always tell the Earth Mother that he took this life so that his people would live and the blessings of the Earth Mother had led him to this particular prey.

Oh, we had a happy and full life, my Bull and I.  We were able to enjoy life and live those days blissfully happy.  Before the children started arriving, we would go out  together into the wilds, he to hunt and me to gather my herbs.  We truly felt blessed by the Earth Mother and embraced each day as it arrived with such vigor that we were probably more blissfully happy than we even realized.

Our first born, Naton, was born in the Spring of the year and we were very proud parents.  He looked very much like his Father and had his strength – we also knew that he had a very healthy set of lungs to go with his bulk too because he would wake us up as well as the surrounding tents in the village when he wanted to be fed.   As he grew older, his Father took him out to teach him how to hunt and he became quite good  at this profession, very much like his Father, and he followed the traditions that his Father put before him.

Our second child arrive and she was a sweet little thing, much quieter than her older brother and not nearly as demanding.  Her name was Mahamura, after her grandmother.  She was one of those children that was always a bit shy in joining in to play with the other children, however, as she grew, she became a bit more self-assured and actually became one of the leaders of the gang of children that played in the village as their parents were out working.  She definitely showed a proficiency with the bow as a young girl, so, she too soon started going out with her brother and her Father to hunt in the wilds.

Our third child was definitely a gift from the Earth Mother.   His name was Nahai, naturally, he looked very much like his Father, however, his personality was more like my own. He was quiet, polite and showed the signs early on in following in his Mother’s footsteps of being a druid.  I can remember taking him with me when I would go out to gather herbs, he learned very quickly and was always excited to be out with me in the forests and plains, gathering herbs, learning how to grind them up so that we could use them for whatever we needed, be it potions, be it for inks – he always was a willing and helpful child.  I hate to admit it, however, I will say that of our three children, he was probably my favorite because he was more like myself and less daring than his Father.

Our fourth child, Tahfal, was one of those pleasant surprises that happen to couples that are intent on having a large family.  He was the darling of our group of children.  A bit smaller than the others at birth and seemed to be slow growing, however, he was more inclined to read a book rather than to go out and play with the others.  Oh, he had his rough and tumble side and his older siblings made sure that he was active because he was never allowed to sit alone for very long.  He was the one child that I had that always wanted to go and talk with the elders, the priests as if he were following some path that his Father and I couldn’t ascertain.  Time would later reveal where his true talents like.

Why am I sad?  It looked like I had everything a Bessie could want, a home, children and a loving husband.  We should have known that the Fates would draw a card for us that would bring it all crashing down one day, however, our faith in the Earth Mother was stronger.

We had lived through the assaults on Thunder Bluff by the Grimtotem and lived through all of the tragedies that had stuck our people.  We went through the trials and tribulations when the Grimtotem were driven from our tribe to form the nomadic group that they are today.   We lived through the death of our chieftain although that was indeed a terrible time for us.

It was this time of year that my husband and I decided that it was time for us to go out into the wilds together again as we had done prior to  the arrival of our brood.  It had been such a long time since we were able to slip away together like this and we were looking forward to it like two small children awaiting Winter Veil.

We left our children in the care of our neighbors and set out on our journey which we knew would be for several days.   We felt young and carefree again, no children to remind us of our responsibilities to hearth and home.   I think that in our jubilant mood is what made us get careless and less aware of the things that could actually harm us.

My first notice that things were amiss was when I was gathering my herbs, I knew my husband was nearby, I heard a loud clash and yells coming from the  direction that he was in.   I quickly donned my stealth cat mode and made for the sound of the noise.  There on the ground lay my poor husband, trussed up like some kind of animal and there were several Grimtotem warriors standing around congratulating themselves on such a fine catch.

I honestly didn’t know what I could do other than to try to get my husband untied before I was discovered.  I succeeded in getting some of his bonds released enough to where he should have been able to manage the rest when I was discovered.  Oh, discovered I was, and I fought back with all of my strength, fangs barred, claws ripping at anything that came in my direction as I stood close to where my husband was trying to get unbound.

Let me just say that we were captured.  It was a situation where I should have gone for help as quickly as possible instead of trying to rescue my husband alone, I know that now, and the guilt that has followed me all of these years is not any easier to bear.  In hindsight, there are so many other things that I should have done and didn’t see it at the time.

The Grimtotem were looking for slaves and my husband and I were put in with that group of other Tauren.  It was indeed a sad time.  To see my poor husband beaten almost on a daily basis because his pride would flare and he would try to withstand the indignities that were placed on him by our captures.  I know that I was trying to just survive, trying to find a way for us to escape, endured the hardships and the indignities that were placed on us – trying to find a way to get back to our tribe and our children.

We knew and we hoped that our tribe would send out people to look for us when we failed to make our return at the appointed time, however, that seemed as though it was years ago.  I know they must have looked for us, our children needed us.

A full year went by and my poor husband and I were still captives.  I was beginning to give up hope and I was beginning to think that this was what the Earth Mother had intended for us to live.  My faith was and is still strong, however, my heart was yearning to get back to my children.  My husband was growing weaker with each season that passed and I could see the fire in eyes starting to dwindle – all the hard work and the tortures that were forced upon this one proud hunter was almost more than I could bear.  I knew that one day, he would give up all hope and would become as some of the others had become – quiet, only doing what was ordered and living each day as if it were a sentence of some kind.

One day, I don’t know what happened exactly, I heard loud cries from the center of the village and I ran to see what was going on.  My poor husband had finally snapped and was attacking anyone that came near him, Grimtotem, other slaves, anyone that came with arms reach met a crushing blow and possibly death.  I screamed and ran towards him to see if I could bring him under control although I knew that the Grimtotem would probably kill him as punishment for his rebellion.

Our eyes met and I could see the pain in his eyes even as he took another’s life, he screamed at me to run.  Although I wanted to stay, I did as I was told and I ran as hard and as fast as I could out of the camp, hearing the noise grow louder as I sped away.  I knew then, my husband had done this to sacrifice himself so that I might be able to escape and get back to our family.

I know that I ran for days and it seemed like I was starting to get back into familiar territory – places that I had visited with my husband and other members of our tribe.  I did make it back home, knowing full well that my husband probably lay dead in the village of the Grimtotem.  Between my grief for my husband and the joy of seeing the Bluffs, I was definitely home again.

After several days of recovering from my own injuries and exhaustion, I was told that my eldest son had gone out to find us after the tribe had given up all hope.  He never returned  and a search party went out to look for him as well, however, they were unsuccessful.

The Grimtotem were known for the atrocities that they would visit upon our people after their banishment from our tribes in Mulgore.  One of the things that they had taken upon themselves to do was to sell some of their captives to the Lich King’s minions to be turned into Death Knights.

So, I had lost my husband and I had lost my eldest child.  My grief was horrific and my other children, try as they might, could not get me to come out of my deepest depression.   I know that I had stopped believing in the Earth Mother for a while, I lost touch with my inner feelings, everything that I had known and loved had been taken from me even though I had done all of the things that I thought would please the Earth Mother, she had allowed my husband and my son to be taken from me.   I was bitter and I am afraid that I was not good to my living children, although, they will say that they understand now, I can remember the looks on their faces sometimes when I would argue with them over such trivial things.  It was if I was punishing them for being alive.

Time passed and eventually, a young Bull returned to our village and I thought at first that it was an apparition of my husband – he looked so very much like him.  The young Bull was making inquiries about various things, he was searching for his family, his memory of his family was there, however, he was a Death Knight – a thing to be feared and one to look upon with pity.

I know that my youngest son, Tahfal, was one to go to the Story Circle that was a tradition in the Bluffs and he is actually the one that found his older brother, Naton.  You see,  Naton was now known as Sadheart – the young Death Knight that was asking questions about homes and families.   Naturally Tahfal brought the Death Knight home with him…I was both revolted and relieved to see my son again – I was happy to have my child back and did the thing of ignoring what he had become.

I think I can see why I awakened so sad today.  This was the time of year that I lost both my husband and my child – my child has come home to me, even if he truly is not the child that I gave birth too many years ago.  I can be grateful to the Earth Mother for what I have now, however, I will always mourn the loss of what was.

Mooma Cloudhoof