January 12th – Time Goes On…


*Might have some salty language or descriptions…been a while but we all know how Fnar talks. *

 

January 12th

 

Yo Book!

I will have to admit that I have spent the last year in mourning for the loss of my family and this last Holiday Season was probably the worst on record for me.  I have been depressed before, but I was contemplating just ending it all to free my soul, heart and mind from the terrible sadness and loneliness that I have endured for the last year.  It has not been a pleasant time for me nor any of the people that have been forced to be around me.   I am sure that I was not the most pleasant of company along with the drinking binges that I would go on.

Fnor was going to do the whole family thing in Nagrand and I was invited but was hesitating about attending since I know his kid sister would be there and I didn’t want to have to be on-guard to avoid her affections without being rude to her.  There is nothing that can disrupt a friendship faster than involvement with one of the friend’s family members.  She’s okay, appearances are that she is very attractive until you get to know her personality a bit better.   Beauty can truly be skin deep and when the selfish self-centered side shows up, it can be ugly with a pretty package to tempt the latest victims.  I have known for years that she was infatuated with me; however, I was hoping that she would outgrown that mindset, which she hasn’t.  I know that there have been times when Fnor and I have distanced ourselves from one another after some of her embarrassing blow-ups concerning me.

Of course, I had made plans to be busy during the holidays and stay to myself at the Garrison in Draenor.  I had planned a nice party for all the people there and we had everything all decorated up so that none of us would feel like we were left out.  I never realized how many of my people didn’t go home for the holidays because they felt more comfortable there with the others.  It’s almost like having a family on an extra level, which is kind of nice when you’ve been raised in an orphanage like Felessa and I were.  Even though we all can travel back and forth between Azeroth and Draenor now, it was kind of odd that, so many opted to stay here.  At least I wasn’t going to be alone and I wouldn’t have to see the other people’s children unless they invited them here.

Naturally, I felt like things were just going to be the same as they have been for the last year and I would be spending the time alone, off to myself and trying to sort things out in mind again.  I know that I have mourned for Romy and the kids long enough and I need to get my feet back on the ground and start over again.  No, I haven’t given up on finding them and I will continue to search for them and keep hoping that I will be able to finally get some closure one way or another.  I feel like I have been living in a dream that I couldn’t wake up from, no matter how hard I tried, and this was the Light’s way of letting me know that I didn’t treat things the way that I should have.  I know that I cherished Romy more than any woman that I have ever been involved with and my heart keeps aching for her and there are times that I do weep for the loss of my children.

Maybe staying away from the farm has been good for me too, giving myself time to heal before I try to make my way there again and try to resume life for myself.  Having the farm there gives me a place to go and a place to try to put down roots and a place where I can have a life without all the social tribulations that seem to happen amongst my own kind.  Pandaria gave me an inner peace that I haven’t ever found anywhere else, a sense of tranquility that just seemed to make everything seem more precious to me.

I will have to admit that I am still really kind of creeped out with the dream that I had the last time I was at the farm because it seemed so real and I know that I wanted to sleep more and try to relive that dream again.  Sure, it was a typical man’s dream, however, it just seemed so right to have Romy in my arms again and to be able to touch her, even in a dream, the woman has a fire of her own that I don’t think that anyone could ever put out.  I know that if I ever get involved with anyone again, it will be extremely difficult not to make comparisons to Romy – I know, that could be a death knell to any relationship, however, she is the only woman that I truly gave all my love too – she was really my life and my soulmate.

I still wish that Romy and I could have gotten married before she disappeared.  I know that we were both anti-marriage when it was just the two of us because we didn’t think about the social aspects of not being married and having children.  I know that we wanted everything for our daughter and, now, for our son.  I wonder what my boy looked like?  You see, I had never seen him and the only thing that I have of his is the little bootie that was found at the Zeppelin crash site.   I’m sure that we would have had some portraits done when Romy and the kids got home again – will they ever be home?

Now that the holidays are over, and everyone is happy with how things went, I’m sure that we will all get back into our routines.  It’s about time for me to head to Orgrimmar and possibly Silvermoon to pick up any materials for the Garrison that the Horde can spare for the forgotten people stationed out there.

I hope that I can catch up with Fnor while I’m in either Orgrimmar or SMC because he and I need to catch up on some things and see how we are going to go forward with the company.   I know that he has been spending most of his time in the Broken Isle fighting demons – I lucked out and didn’t have to report there just yet.    I know that I am not looking forward to fighting demons any time soon because I still remember the remnants of them in Outland and we have our own issues with them filtering into Draenor now and then.   I think evil and vile doesn’t adequately describe how I feel when I see traces of them and the foul Fel that they seem to bring with them and leave behind to mark the territory as their own.

I think I might apply for some leave so that I can go to Pandaria for a while, I’ll just have to keep my eye out for Faendra and make sure to keep my distance from that conniving bitch.

 

 

Fnar Dawnglory

 

 

 

Just Lonely


January 20th

Yo Book!

I’m still perplexed and still a little tender from my last run in with Faendra in Orgrimmar, however, I feel kind of relieved emotionally. I guess that I really did screw things up with her but I’m not so sure that it is all my fault either because I never told her I loved her, not once or even hinted at it, and I am absolutely fucking sure that I didn’t ask her to marry me.  Maybe there is something wrong with me in that way, I’m not real damned sure.

I care about her and I wish that there was more in the way of feelings there.  She’s beautiful and very tantalizing to any male, however, my feelings are that deep – maybe they will be some day, maybe not. However, I need to make sure that she and I can still at least be friends.  I don’t think I mislead her or lied to her in any way other than the fact that I pursued her like any man would, maybe, she made the mistake in thinking that I was the marrying kind at this point in my life. She has to understand that when I say that I care about her a great deal – that means that she is in the category with my sister, Fnor and some other people.  I care about what happens to them, however, that doesn’t mean that I want to spend the rest of my life with them though.

I think a big part of my problem right now is Panderia.  I find myself spending a great deal of time alone when I’m not out on patrol or in camp.  I don’t really talk to anyone other than Fnor and maybe a few people in passing.  Maybe I am just fucking lonely?  I even think that my libido has taken a hiatus on me too – I just don’t have that feeling right now for anything.   Maybe I’ll just start becoming more of a hermit than I already am because it sure does seem a lot safer that way – I don’t get my heart broken, I don’t hurt anyone and it’s just me and my cat.  Maybe that’s what it is supposed to be like.

I think that I have fallen in love with the Jade Forest.  Anytime I have any free time and I’m not at Fnor’s farm, I’m in the Jade Forest.  there are some beautiful spots there and I can hunt and fish to my heart’s content.  I do run into people down there now and again, however, they don’t seem to be all that sociable either, which is probably a good thing sometimes.  I’m not sure how I could handle listening to someone’s life story if I only said hello to them.

I’ve found some people birds down here and I have been doing some sketches of them when the mood strikes me.  I know that the Panderian think that I am probably just another one of those Blood Elves or something but I don’t really care.  Just give me a sketch book, a nice rock to sit on and I’m happy just doing my drawings, even if they are a pain when I start getting crazy with detail.  My poetry is definitely not working like it used too – I have no muse to inspire me in that area.

I think going off like I do right now reminds me of when I would sneak away to Nagrand and camp for days on one of the floating island.  I know that if anyone chanced upon me they thought I was some kind of nut job – sitting there in my drawers with a sketch pad on my lap.  I definitely can’t get that relaxed here in Panderia because something could come popping out of the brush and take a bite out of my ass if I’m not prepared.

Oh well, I’ll try to write to Faendra and see if the letter gets returned or if she will even respond to it.  I’m voting on the last choice because she was pretty upset with me.  Fnor told me not to worry about it and he was kind of shocked at her reaction when I was in Orgrimmar too.  He is of the same opinion that I may have stopped by at the wrong time or something.

I did find the letter that I had written to her right after the riots in my bags.  I thought I mailed the damned thing but maybe it’s a good thing that I didn’t because it may have “mislead” her some more and she would really be upset now.

Well, I suppose I ought to get busy and do something today, I’ve been sitting here acting like some kind lump and haven’t gotten anything done today at all.  I have those contracts that I can fill and ship the hides back to Orgrimmar, I don’t have to take them myself, that’s for damned sure.

I really think I’m just lonely.

Fnar Dawnglory

I Need A Change


January 15th

Dear Journal,

My Sindorei is back in Panderia and I am sitting here in Shattrath while the boys are in school.  The house seems empty after the holidays and even emptier since my husband left.  He has a way of just making  the house a lot more lively.  No, I’m not talking about the bedroom, I’m talking about the fact that he is always doing something – working on his armor, talking a mile a minute to while away the time.

We had so much fun at the Faire even though I knew that he would be heading back to Panderia later on that night.  The children had a wonderful time and Fnor makes a wonderful step-Father to them.  A part of me realizes that the time that he spends with the two youngest boys is almost because he is trying to make up for the time that he missed with the older boys.  I know I can almost see it in his eyes when he’s talking with the little ones that he wished that they were Kal and Vashlan.  Of course, the little guys don’t think anything about it, they just enjoy having with those moments when he’s home.

Now comes the lonely times again.  I know that I am sitting here and hoping that he will be able to come home again in the near future even though there is a war going on.  It seems like each time he comes home that it is harder for me to let him go back and it’s harder for him to go.   I know the last war was the one that we thought would end all of this nonsense, however, it didn’t.  We had a few years there where the world didn’t seem to be in constant turmoil. There had been some semblance of peace and we could lead different lives.

When my Sindorei and I first met, it was a time of war.  When our first child was conceived and born, it was a time of war although it was waning and did not affect the area that we had chosen to live in Outland.  Shattrath seemed like such a larger city back then, not crowded like it is now with the refugees from Dalaran that have flocked here. Now, it is a bit overcrowded and people seem to be in various stages of hysteria of things that they have seen or heard about.  It’s not dull by any means.

One thing that I have noticed in the last few weeks is that there seem to be more people like my Sindorei and myself.  Blood Elves and Kaldorei living together openly, so, there shouldn’t be any danger to the family here.  We thought pretty much the same thing when we were living in Dalaran, however, there isn’t a Jaina Proudmore living here, I don’t think anyone of mental ilk would even be allowed to come here and cause the trouble she did in Dalaran.  Damned insane human!

I wish my parents had moved with us to Shattrath.  I miss them and miss having them near me so that they could keep an eye on the two youngest boys once in a while.  I don’t mind the domestic grind that I have gotten myself into during the last few years, however, I do miss doing the things that I loved.  I loved being a Sentinel and , in my heart and mind, I am still that same person.  I just have more baggage now than I did back then.  I may take the boys to Dolonaar in the very near future and have them stay with my parents so that I can go back to Feathermoon and become something more than what I am at the moment.

If my husband and my eldest son can go off to war and fight for what they believe in, I can do the same.  I don’t want to spend my entire life just staying behind and raising children.  I want to see the things that they have seen, no matter how horrible that could have been, I want to see the world that has changed so much in the last few months.  I want to stand by my son’s side on his farm, I want to visit my husband and not have to wait until he can get leave and slip away to come home.  I don’t like being here away from the things that are happening.

I think that I am just in a bad mood or something today because normally these things don’t bother me. I think I need to start looking at things differently and do something about it instead of sitting here and being frustrated.  Alone again and I miss my husband.

Amyn