Family and Future


October 11th

Yo Book!!

Here I am again and can’t say that I am not happy as can be either. Sitting here at the farm in Pandaria with my family. Just kind of sitting here, wrapped in a blanket after spending a very passionate night with Romy. Two kids and we can still start fires with the way our bodies are so in tune with one another. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel right now, if dying and where I am is heaven, I think I’ll just stay here. I don’t usually let my emotions run rampant, however, they have since I came home to the farm and have felt the warmth, the joy and the love that is with my family.

Oh yes, I talked with Romy about all the things that have been going on and some of the things that I did or was ordered to do. I know that the whole thing makes her as sad as I – the tears fell freely from my eyes and I know that I just let my emotions run rampant, jagged rasping choking sobs that had been held in for months. I know that I have never been one to show my emotions publicly and the only person that has seen me at my most vulnerable has been my beloved.   To feel her arms wrapped tightly around me as I wept and to hear those soft tender words being spoken were better than any healing potion or drink that I might have taken. I feel like I have had the weight of the World lifted from my shoulders and I can only pray to the Light that I haven’t added my burdens to Romy’s already heavy load.

All those months of searching for here and the children felt like an eternity and I have never felt as lonely, lost and alone as I did then. Finding them was like my life could start again. Our children, our love and most of all, the feelings that we have shared all these years. Oh, my friends were there to help me when I would stumble and fall, however, they weren’t Romy and there wasn’t a woman out there that could replace her place in my heart – some tried, and they were rejected.

Now that I have all the things that I dearly love more than life itself, I’m fearful. I don’t want to lose this moment in time and I don’t want to have to leave them behind – go off to fight some stupid war that will gain me nothing except more heartache and pain. Why won’t the Light just let me stay here in the arms that I love more than life itself and our beautiful children. I’ve already been cheated out of my daughter’s childhood and now, the Warchief wants to cheat me out of my son’s life. No, there has to be a way that I can avoid this.

I don’t know if anyone would be able to understand this whole thing unless they have been through it for themselves, however, I know that I never want to be separated from my family for as long as I was when they were missing. I felt like I was living but dying at the same time. I, also, don’t think that I ever felt like I was complete until Romy came into my life – after we had the children, my heart felt as if I had achieved all the things that I wanted in this life.

Yes, I’ve talked with a few people and I will honestly say that some of the answers that I got were rather idiotic. Yes, I know that war is dangerous and there is always a price to be paid, however, I don’t want to be the one paying it – I’ve done enough. Hell, I’ve even consider doing a desk job of some type just so that I could be with my family.

Hmm, just glanced over at Romy and she met my eyes with one of her sleepy smiles that always melts my heart and gave me one of her “come hither” looks. I think that I will stop writing here and go back to bed.

Fnar Dawnglory

 

((This is a song from Journey and Steve Perry that always runs through my mind when I think of Romy and Fnar.))

Open Arms

Lying beside you here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper you’re so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together and drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what you’re love means to me
Open arms

Living without you living alone
This empty house is so cold
Wanting to hold you wanting you near
How much I’ve wanted you home
But now that you’ve come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what you’re love means to me
Open arms

January 12th – Time Goes On…


*Might have some salty language or descriptions…been a while but we all know how Fnar talks. *

 

January 12th

 

Yo Book!

I will have to admit that I have spent the last year in mourning for the loss of my family and this last Holiday Season was probably the worst on record for me.  I have been depressed before, but I was contemplating just ending it all to free my soul, heart and mind from the terrible sadness and loneliness that I have endured for the last year.  It has not been a pleasant time for me nor any of the people that have been forced to be around me.   I am sure that I was not the most pleasant of company along with the drinking binges that I would go on.

Fnor was going to do the whole family thing in Nagrand and I was invited but was hesitating about attending since I know his kid sister would be there and I didn’t want to have to be on-guard to avoid her affections without being rude to her.  There is nothing that can disrupt a friendship faster than involvement with one of the friend’s family members.  She’s okay, appearances are that she is very attractive until you get to know her personality a bit better.   Beauty can truly be skin deep and when the selfish self-centered side shows up, it can be ugly with a pretty package to tempt the latest victims.  I have known for years that she was infatuated with me; however, I was hoping that she would outgrown that mindset, which she hasn’t.  I know that there have been times when Fnor and I have distanced ourselves from one another after some of her embarrassing blow-ups concerning me.

Of course, I had made plans to be busy during the holidays and stay to myself at the Garrison in Draenor.  I had planned a nice party for all the people there and we had everything all decorated up so that none of us would feel like we were left out.  I never realized how many of my people didn’t go home for the holidays because they felt more comfortable there with the others.  It’s almost like having a family on an extra level, which is kind of nice when you’ve been raised in an orphanage like Felessa and I were.  Even though we all can travel back and forth between Azeroth and Draenor now, it was kind of odd that, so many opted to stay here.  At least I wasn’t going to be alone and I wouldn’t have to see the other people’s children unless they invited them here.

Naturally, I felt like things were just going to be the same as they have been for the last year and I would be spending the time alone, off to myself and trying to sort things out in mind again.  I know that I have mourned for Romy and the kids long enough and I need to get my feet back on the ground and start over again.  No, I haven’t given up on finding them and I will continue to search for them and keep hoping that I will be able to finally get some closure one way or another.  I feel like I have been living in a dream that I couldn’t wake up from, no matter how hard I tried, and this was the Light’s way of letting me know that I didn’t treat things the way that I should have.  I know that I cherished Romy more than any woman that I have ever been involved with and my heart keeps aching for her and there are times that I do weep for the loss of my children.

Maybe staying away from the farm has been good for me too, giving myself time to heal before I try to make my way there again and try to resume life for myself.  Having the farm there gives me a place to go and a place to try to put down roots and a place where I can have a life without all the social tribulations that seem to happen amongst my own kind.  Pandaria gave me an inner peace that I haven’t ever found anywhere else, a sense of tranquility that just seemed to make everything seem more precious to me.

I will have to admit that I am still really kind of creeped out with the dream that I had the last time I was at the farm because it seemed so real and I know that I wanted to sleep more and try to relive that dream again.  Sure, it was a typical man’s dream, however, it just seemed so right to have Romy in my arms again and to be able to touch her, even in a dream, the woman has a fire of her own that I don’t think that anyone could ever put out.  I know that if I ever get involved with anyone again, it will be extremely difficult not to make comparisons to Romy – I know, that could be a death knell to any relationship, however, she is the only woman that I truly gave all my love too – she was really my life and my soulmate.

I still wish that Romy and I could have gotten married before she disappeared.  I know that we were both anti-marriage when it was just the two of us because we didn’t think about the social aspects of not being married and having children.  I know that we wanted everything for our daughter and, now, for our son.  I wonder what my boy looked like?  You see, I had never seen him and the only thing that I have of his is the little bootie that was found at the Zeppelin crash site.   I’m sure that we would have had some portraits done when Romy and the kids got home again – will they ever be home?

Now that the holidays are over, and everyone is happy with how things went, I’m sure that we will all get back into our routines.  It’s about time for me to head to Orgrimmar and possibly Silvermoon to pick up any materials for the Garrison that the Horde can spare for the forgotten people stationed out there.

I hope that I can catch up with Fnor while I’m in either Orgrimmar or SMC because he and I need to catch up on some things and see how we are going to go forward with the company.   I know that he has been spending most of his time in the Broken Isle fighting demons – I lucked out and didn’t have to report there just yet.    I know that I am not looking forward to fighting demons any time soon because I still remember the remnants of them in Outland and we have our own issues with them filtering into Draenor now and then.   I think evil and vile doesn’t adequately describe how I feel when I see traces of them and the foul Fel that they seem to bring with them and leave behind to mark the territory as their own.

I think I might apply for some leave so that I can go to Pandaria for a while, I’ll just have to keep my eye out for Faendra and make sure to keep my distance from that conniving bitch.

 

 

Fnar Dawnglory

 

 

 

July 8th – Life Goes On…Right?


*Remember that this particular character is pretty outspoken and has no filter on his language – might be a few words in here that are not fit for people to read that are easily offended. *

 

 

July 8th

 

Yo Book!!

I knew that I was fucking getting run-down and didn’t feel like my normal self, however, I didn’t realize what real exhaustion can do to you sometimes.  I know that I have been burning the candle at both ends and trying to cure some of that with imbibing in more alcohol than I should.  Now, I’ve been fucking told that I had better knock that nonsense off if I plan on living long enough to find Romy and the kids.  I know that I have felt like there is never going to be an end to this and I will spend the rest of my living days searching for my wife and children.

Yes, I fucking said the word – WIFE.  My intent when I got home from Draenor was to take her to a magistrate or to one of the monks in Pandaria and for us to get married.  Yes, that legal and binding thing that people do when they love one another with their entire being. Well, that got shot to Hell and Gone when I got back and she was missing.  In my mind and in my heart, we’re already married and have been since the day we met – I wasn’t just smitten with her physical beauty, I was smitten with her soul and her sheer love of life. Yeah, I know it’s stupid, however, I do believe in “love at first sight” because it has happened to me and I have lost all interest in other women – that was quite a shock in the womanizer that I used to be. To say that I was experienced is an understatement – I had gone on some rough mileage at times.

What brought this outburst on, you might ask?  Well, I was talking with Fnor and he mentioned that I looked a little tired and maybe I should just take some time off.  I did tell him about the way that his sister was acting with me again and that set him off on temper tantrum that seemed to be more than just his usual outburst.  I told him about her comments and the way that she had acted very recently which just made him angrier at her.  There are days that I ask myself “why me?” I do try to keep going and try to overlook a lot of her overtures’ that had ceased for a while, however, with Romy out of the picture, she is on me as a target once again.

I have known Faendra since she was a kid. Hell, she and my sister, Felessa, were best friends until she started chasing after me like a bitch in heat.  I know that this has been going on for years and has caused Fnor and I some major problems, however, it has not interfered with our friendship.  There are times when I wonder if Fnor isn’t all that bright when it comes to females and how dangerous they can be – with his experiences, he should have clue by now.

I know that Jongu has mentioned to me that he doesn’t like that other Blood Elf female that comes by the house sometimes.  He said she isn’t nice to him and thinks that she has sneaky streak and might steal things when I’m not there and he is busy doing other things.  Hmmm, that’s unusual for Jongu because he’s always liked everyone to my knowledge.  I wonder what he was hinting at, he’s a strange fellow and I like having him around and he works cheap since I told him he can sell his chicken and dumplings at the market.  I know we are still having that problem with the chickens dropping dead at the farm every once in a while, – we have still not figured out what is up with that, however, it doesn’t seem to cause any issues when we eat them.  Oh well, I’ll just keep my eyes out for that little bitch.

While I was talking with Fnor, a weird thing happened.  I either passed out or I fainted and I woke up with a healer standing over me and shaking her head.  She said I was suffering from exhaustion and that my body was showing some signs of trouble from my drinking.  Well, that wasn’t a real surprise to me, I know I have been drinking quite a bit.  She also told me that I was talking while I was out and crying – my emotions seemed more than a little bit raw. 

The weird thing that happened was I was talking and I heard my daughter’s voice like she was standing there with Fnor and I.  I felt my heart give a lurch when I heard the voice and I passed out.  How can she be here and not here?  I know that I still have a chill when I think about it, I don’t want to think that she is in the afterlife and it was her spirit talking to me – she can’t be dead and neither can Romy and my son be dead.  I won’t believe it, I refuse to believe.  Anyway, long story short, she told me to take some time off and possibly get out of Pandaria for a while and go back to the Eastern Kingdoms, get some rest and see if I can’t quieten my mind some.

I told Fnor what the healer had told me and he told me to go back to Silvermoon and stay at the house there for a while.  He would get in touch with Agatha to let her know that I was coming and to make sure that she keeps Faendra away from me if she should show up.  So, I am going to take the advice and take some time off, drop the letter from the healer off in Orgrimmar and go home for a while to Silvermoon.

 

Fnar Dawnglory

 

 

 

Still Searching…Frustrating…


June 28th

Yo Book!!

I know that I have spent way too much fucking time just trying to find Romy and the children.  I wonder if my feelings are wrong and I won’t be able to find them – ever.  The thought of giving up on finding them is breaking my heart and my mind just doesn’t want to believe that they have just fucking disappeared forever.  My love, my daughter and the son I’ve never seen – how can this be?

I have worked my ass off for the Horde and I keep getting sent away to places that I could care less about than where my would-be wife and children are.  Every time I feel like I am making some progress on my search, I get recalled to that stupid Garrison in Draenor or they expect me to head to the Broken Shore with my men.  No, I don’t want to go, I want to find my family and then I can spend my time with them and then attend to my duties.  My family must take the priority in my life.  Fuck the reigning parties at this point, The Banshee Queen as the Warchief?  How can that be?  The most evil of all women and she is going to lead the Horde to its own destruction.   I’m still following the orders that I get from the Regent Lord and obeying the pledge that I gave for my people, however, this new regime is not to my personal liking at all.

It’s been months since my family disappeared and all we have are a little shoe that belonged to my son and the rumors that there may have been some survivors at the crash site of the Zep, however, where did they go?  Did they get some medical attention?  Have the left the area or are they being held prisoner by someone?  So many questions unanswered.

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw myself and can tell that this worrying and stress has taken a toll on me physically.  Too much drinking and too much depression has left its mark and it will be a while before that goes away, I’m sure.  At least I don’t have any gray hair showing in my hair yet, that would be a definite worry for me because I have always been vain about my appearance.  Yes, I do need to start thinking about other things and trying to rebuild some of my life instead of just living it one day at a time.

I am going to have to take my life in hand and try to get on with something normal.  I can’t just keep hoping that they will all turn up and things will be as they once were.  That never happens, we can’t erase the time that has gone by and I can’t step back into the lives of my children when they probably don’t even remember what I look like – my son has never seen me, so, the little fellow would have no clue as to whom I might be.  Has Romy survived this and has she gotten on with her life or is she still trying to come back to me – I don’t know.  In my heart, I want her back so badly that it is almost painful to dwell on it so much.   That red hair, those lovely arms that held me so tightly and the kisses that would make any man swoon with desire.  I truly had never known the passion that this one woman could arouse in me and she was the only one that ever pulled me to that level – I miss her voice, that lilting laughter, that quick wit. Just the sheer longing for her causes me such emotional and physical pain that I can hardly manage it.

No, I have not been with another woman and haven’t been with anyone for over a year and my libido is sadly missing at this point.  Now, I have another problem.  It appears Faendra Morningstar has decided in her infinite wisdom that Romy is never coming back and that I should take her as my wife. That is never going to happen, even if there were a remote possibility of it happening.  She is truly making a pest of herself.

I have decided that I will leave Pandaria, the farm will be taken care of by my friends and I will try to stay in Orgrimmar for a while or even Silvermoon.  At least Faendra will not have easy access to my person if I am in either of those places.   Of course, there is always my Garrison to hide out in, however, I do dislike freezing my ass off every time the wind blows.  I just can’t afford to have any mishaps or other distractions until I can get my life back under control.

Fnar Dawnglory

Still Searching…


*Some coarse language used, please do not read if you’re easily offended. *

 

February 2nd

Yo Book!!

It’s been a while since I have written in my journal, however, I have been rather busy trying to keep up with my fucking duties and trying to find my wayward woman and my children.  It’s not been easy and I have spent a hell of lot of time trying to figure out where she could have fucking disappeared too.

I think I’ve gone through spells of depression and then I got angry and back to the depression again. I have my own way of grieving and sometimes it works better than it has currently.   Romy was such a large part of my life and the kids were everything I had ever hoped for – now, they are gone.  I think the loneliness is the hardest part to handle and it will be with me until I can get some closure on this or at least fucking find them.  I know that she was stubborn and was always good at taking care of herself, however, I never thought that she would just pack up and leave like she appears to have done.   When I am not on duty, I’m trying to follow up on any clues that I might have uncovered and it has taken this long for me to sit here and just write.

I’ve talked to so many people in Pandaria and searched the place until I can hardly stand it – she and the children are not here and it does point more to her leaving and going to Northrend. Of course, tracking down the pack that she was always with before has been more of a challenge than anything else.

Let me explain this a little bit.  Romy was with a group of family members that have chosen a different lifestyle and handle things more in the ways of wolves.  They have the Alpha males and females and everyone raises the kids together.  They tend to hunt in packs or something of that nature which has allowed them to survive in the northern part of Northrend.  I had met them all before we were together and had talked to many of the leaders, bonding with them.   Now, I can’t even seem to find all the old encampments.  It’s almost as if they have disappeared.

Of course, there is another branch of the family that is more civilized that the Northrend group, although, that could be debatable.  Naturally, the branch that lives in and around Silvermoon are more of the matriarchal society than anything else. It almost reminds me of how the Night Elves live most of the time than true Sindorei.  I think that these traditions and habits that they appear to have are more based on High Born practices than most want others want to show.  Makes me wonder about the family bloodlines a bit but that is beside the point.  I just want to find Romy and my children and get them back home with me.  Sometimes the loneliness is more than I can stand.

Romy had left some pictures behind when she left the farm in Half Hill and I have gathered them up and put them away so that nothing will happen to them and she can have them when she returns. Pictures of us being happy together and pictures of the children.  Yes, I finally got to see what my boy looks like and I must say that he looks more like his Mother than he does me – the red hair and coloring.  I bet he will grow up to be a very handsome young man.   I hope that I can find them all before he is a man – just knowing that they are all out there somewhere makes my heart keep hope that we will be together again someday.  I know that there are times that I have a terrible time holding back my tears and they are even streaming down my face as I write.

How could such happiness just disappear, how could the love we had seemed to have changed for some reason?  I’m afraid that I have truly brutalized Faendra with my suspicions that she might have had something to do with their disappearance to the point that she wrote to her brother and begged him to tell me that she had nothing to do with them being gone.  Yes, she did say that she still loved me, however, she would never do anything to Romy or the babies – they were mine and she knew how much I loved them.

Ah well, I suppose that I should quit writing tonight and head out to do some wandering around and visiting with some of the neighbors here in Half Hill.  I know that the women always ask if I had found Romy yet, which tears the wound open a bit.

Fnar Dawnglory

 

 

Lost…


*Some Language – if you are offended easily, please do not read*

 

October 20th

 

Yo Book!

I will have to admit that I haven’t written in this damned thing in a while and that’s because I have been busy with my duties in Draenor and trying to figure out a way to get home to see Romy and the kids in Halfhill.  Well, the Legion kind of helped that out because the Horde leadership has decided that it’s military needs to address that situation rather than maintain a peacekeeping force in Draenor – huzzah!!

I know that it has been close to a year since I have been home and it has cost me dearly.  Fnor kept telling people that we needed to be focused on what was happening in our own timeline and his warnings just kept falling on deaf ears.  Damned bureaucrats – now they have their hands full and we are supposed to clean it up.

All I can say is that Draenor has cost me dearly – I’ve lost my family or they are hiding from everyone, I don’t know what is going on.  Romy had written me that she was taking the kids to Northrend to spend some time with the family up there and that’s the last I heard from her.  I have checked with her family and have even gone to Northrend – no one has fucking seen them.  How can a woman and two small kids disappear off the face of the planet without anyone having ever seen them?  To say that this is a nightmare is putting it lightly – I’m scared, I’m angry and I’m heartbroken.  All my hopes and dreams have been trashed and here I am wandering around trying to put all the pieces together again.

I tried drinking myself into oblivion more than once since I got back to Halfhill and there didn’t seem to be enough booze to drown my heartache.  I couldn’t get drunk enough to stop thinking about my family, my love, my life and my children.  What has fucking happened to them?  Are they safe?   Are they even alive?  This is totally unlike Romy as far as I know and I know that she loved me as much as I love her – where did she go?  Did she try to take the kids and make the trip to Draenor to surprise me?  So many fucking questions and no answers from anyone.

Fnor and I both have sent out search parties from the company and we’re paying the people dearly to see if they can find any trace of them.  I’ve cried until I have no more tears and have gone without sleep to the point that there are days that I have lost wandering around in a fog.  Where are they?  My son was born while I was in Draenor and I haven’t even held him or seen him – why did this have to happen?  All of my life I have wanted a family – now the Fates have taken away from me.  No, I won’t give up and I’ll keep looking for them.

Fnar Dawnglory

 

Nothing Really Changes…


June 16th

Yo Book!!

What the Hell is going on with the people back in Orgrimmar.  They ship our asses to Draenor and we’re supposed to stay here for the duration without any thought to our homes and families back on Azeroth?  Not gonna happen if you ask me because I don’t think that they thought this shit all the way through.  I know that I can’t fucking be the only man out here in this hole that thinks this way – most of us have loved ones back in Azeroth that we worry about and that we want to see with some regularity.

I’ve requested a leave multiple times and all of them have been refused because “as a Commander” my presence is required here in Draenor.  I call Bullshit on that one.  My Garrison can run just fine without my being here all of the time, I’ve proven that a couple of times by taking off to do some exploring for a week or two and returned to my Garrison to find things running just as smoothly – the only thing that wasn’t done was the bloody paperwork, which I did in a day.

I know that I want to go back to Halfhill to see Romy and Mirrin – I miss my family.  Not only do I miss my family I am missing the time that Romy is pregnant with our second child.  I worry constantly about her and hope that she is having an easy time of it with this pregnancy.  I know that she is safe in Halfhill and we have a lot of friends that are still there that can help her if she needs it, however, it’s not the same as my being there with her.  I really want us to get married before the second baby arrives, we didn’t have time to do that before I had to leave for Draenor and that has me more than a little bit upset with the way that things were dealt with before I left.

It’s not that I can’t leave Draenor, it’s the fact that I don’t want to leave my command without following the proper protocols in order to do it.  I wouldn’t want to leave without permission because then everything that I have worked for my entire adult life would be lost because I would be considered a deserter and that’s not something that I want to have to carry along in my life.  I took an Oath to serve the Regent and also the Horde if he so ordered it – now, here I sit, hanging onto the fact that I am honor bound to keep my oath.

I know that Fnor has even tried to resign his position here in Draenor and his resignation was refused.  I hope that he can keep going through his diplomatic channels and will finally get someone back in Orgrimmar to realize that the troops need to have the ability to take a leave so that they can be assured that their families are doing okay in their absence.  I don’t know how he is handling this emotionally because not only does he have his family to worry about, he’s also trying to keep the company going for all of us involved.  The man has always been workhorse when it comes to taking care of things, however, I always wonder if he will ever just reach a limit of what he thinks that he can do.  I know that he is desperate to see Amyn and he has a double whammy there with her being a Sentinel – yeah, I know different factions and all that aside – they have been together for years and their sons are getting to the age to where they could be sent Draenor as well.  I know that is one thing that has always amazed me about my best friend, he always seems to be cool, calm and collected  even if he is in a total turmoil internally.

Of course, I still get letters from Romy and she tells me that everything is going well.  It’s just not the same as seeing things with my own fucking eyes.  Let’s not even mention the fact that I am so damned lonely here sometimes that I can barely stand it.   Sure, I’m surrounded by people all of the time here in the Garrison, however, I need that special someone that I love more than life itself.

Yes, I’m a man, I have my own wants, needs and desires, however, I have been extremely careful with my desires because I have taken a vow in my own heart to Romy and I don’t want to break that vow in any way shape or form.  I’ll admit that it is hard to walk away from some of these attractive offers sometimes but I always think of Romy and walk away – cold showers are becoming a mainstay in my life now.   I won’t even go on to discuss the dreams that I have that have gotten even more heated in the last few weeks – it might be the change of seasons and it might also be the fact that I just want to get back home to my family too.

Fnar Dawnglory