Things Left Unsaid…


Written in very cursive script denoting the maturity and education of the author

 

July 28th

Dear Journal,

I  am in Pandaria.  Yes, I did take the coward’s way out of what happened in Silvermoon with Agatha for the simple reason, it was something that was bound to happen at some point and I guess after my visit to Dalaran, I was more than a bit upset with my emotions being completely raw and what was intended as comforting from her turned into passion rather rapidly.  It isn’t as if this sort of thing hasn’t happened before, which it has, however, I have made it a point to remain faithful to my wedding vows with Amyn – which I have failed at completely as of this writing.

I think that I could half way forgive myself for the night of passion, however, I can’t forgive myself for the following morning which lead to another romp under the sheets. I knew then and I know now that it was wrong to even get started in that direction.

I did talk with Agatha about what happened and I think that she is somewhat embarrassed by it all and yet, she’s very understanding.  She asked me if I wanted her to leave my employment to make sure that it never happened again and I told her to stay, in fact, I begged her to stay.  People don’t realize that Agatha has been with me through a lot of things in the past and is the only Sindorei woman that has been with me almost as long as Amyn has been.  Yes, there are some feelings there, a bond that is deeper than just a friendship, yet, I can’t exactly call it love, it’s a different feeling.  It’s like a partnership much deeper than the one that I have developed with Dawnglory over the years.

I’m anxiously waiting for Amyn to arrive in Halfhill now and anxious to spend some much needed time with her.  I fully intend on telling her about my trip to Dalaran, however, I am not planning on telling her about what happened between Agatha and myself.  Amyn has gone through a lot over the years in our relationship and I can’t expect her to go through anymore of my fiascos.  Sure, she knew when I had been with these other women, it might be just something that is akin to woman’s intuition or something like that – she always seems to know.  If she asks me if I have been with another woman, I will try to just cover things up as best I can.

One of the things that I have learned over the years is that once a  Sentinel, always a Sentinel.  I don’t care if you take a Sentinel and put them in the most domestic of situations, that Sentinel is still there, waiting to come out.   I realize fully when Amyn’s Sentinel is in charge of things – like the time she actually shot me in Feralas during a heated argument and I walked away from her in a huff.  That’s not the first time that she has caused me physical injury and I doubt it will be the last.  I think that is part of her appeal to me and always will be, it gives our relationship a hint of danger on an intimate level that I have never found with anyone else.   Dawnglory tells me that I like playing with “fire” and I told him that I probably do, however, it is indeed a lovely fire that I am playing with – my wife is truly my love, my life and my world.  I honestly don’t know what I would do without her either.  That’s why I am not going to tell her about what happened.

I know I always feel better when I can escape the confines of Silvermoon.  It’s like being able to take a breath of fresh air and being to move freely without any concerns about what others will think about you up here.  It’s the frontier to a new land that we are all still exploring at different levels.

I am also hoping that I will run into my sister while I am up here too.  She is still with the Rangers and from what I hear, she is trying to conform to the ways of the group although it is being forced upon her.  I want to talk to her about a plethora of things, things that she has done and what she can expect from me in the future.  No, no matter what she has done and what she might do in the future, she is still my sister even if she isn’t of my blood.  I’m the adopted one, that’s what she points out when she gets insanely angry with me, however, she seems to forget that I was chosen, not an accident of birth.  True, there is a difference, however, I think that my adoptive parents loved me as much as they did either of their daughters that came after I was in the family.  We were, in fact, a family – the division came when my parents died and I had to take on the responsibility of raising Faendra on my own as well as trying to find my sister that had been lost in the invasion.  At least Felaran has turned out decently, even if she is Death Knight.

The farm looks like it is doing well and from what I have seen of the accounts for the place, it’s definitely showing a profit.  I certainly do wish that I could spend more time in Pandaria than I have in the past few months because this is where I feel like a normal person – this is where I can feel like I am a part of things and not closeted away behind the social norms in Silvermoon.  I know that I have done both before – being a Ranger and being a businessman, however, I think that the entire Horde seems to be in flux these days.

There is a definite undercurrent brewing within the political factions of the Horde.  I think that we are all in agreement that Garrosh is an incompetent Warchief and should be removed from power.  I’m not fool and do realize that the rebellion is going in the favor of the rebels and I expect to hear that Garrosh has been overthrown any day now. Yes, my allegiance has been sworn to the Regent and I have removed myself from the political gristmill of Orgrimmar as well as resigning from the Ambassadors Council there.

I know that I have been invited back to participate in that council again and I haven’t given an answer as of yet because I am uncertain of the actual details of my involvement.  I know that I didn’t leave things very pleasantly when I resigned and went on my way.  I just wonder what it is that they want from me this time.  I can work as some kind of mediator with things, however, I am not going to get as deeply involved with the inner workings of the Horde as I was when I was there the last time – the cost was too dear for me to even contemplate doing that again.

I did lose my hold on the company in Orgrimmar when Garrosh declared his martial law there and I did lose a lot of material goods at the same time that I was unable to get shipped out beforehand.  I know that I will never have any true holdings in Orgrimmar again due to the fact that I feel that the political parties in that one centralized city cannot be trusted on any level.  Call me a racist if you wish, however, I feel more secure in dealing with the political parties amongst my own people – not something that is Orc dictated. When the Troll rebellion does eventually take over the city, I wonder what kind of expectations will be there for the people in the city.  Will they be mistreated the way that they have been with the Orcs running roughshod over them?  What will truly be the difference in the way that things are run, what new spin will the Horde be lead with?  So many questions and no answers on the horizon until it is finally disclosed.

I think that one of the things that Amyn and I will be doing once she gets here is to go stay at one of the little hideaways that have enjoyed in the Jade Forest.  It is very isolated and it is also far enough away from Halfhill that it would take someone some time to find it, if they even could.   I know that Dawnglory is here in the village now and I’ve already spoken with him a bit and we plan on doing some hunting and fishing together while I am here this time.  He has turned into quite the family man and I will have to admit that I am very envious of him at times – he’s happy in a way that I could never enjoy when my children were small.

Fnor Morningstar

Learning To Compromise…


May 20th

Dear Journal,

Well, I finally located Kae and we had a nice long discussion and I have to agree with her that I have been extremely selfish about some things.   We’ve been together for quite a while and we have enjoyed that time together for the most part.  I think what has been going on is that I am doing things now that I should have done at a much younger age because I don’t feel like I have any consequences for my actions.  Well, the thing is that I do.

I’m old enough now and free enough that when someone that I care about starts putting out rules for me to follow or this happens – like leaving me – or if I do something that they don’t approve of, they feel they have the right to wreck havoc in my life, I tend to rebel. When I was growing up, my Mother was very strict and when my Father weighed in, I knew that I was in for some serious trouble, however, with Kae – her threat is that she will leave.  I love her, however, you can’t keep me a prisoner to my own emotions either. I did have to remind Kae that I am a grown man, we do have an unspoken commitment to one another and it’s something that we’re going to be working on.

Yes, she did give up being a Sentinel, however, that was her choice and not mine to make for her.   She could have stayed with the group if she had truly felt that way, however, she decided that she didn’t like it without me being there with her.  I was not cut out to be a Sentinel Scout for the rest of my life – I think I have too much pride and independence to fit that mold for very long and it flared up there at the last.  I have a huge respect for some of the Sentinels, however, you have to earn my respect just like anyone else would have to do.

Kae, I respect and will honor some of her wishes, however, I am not going to give up my life to make her happy.  She has a much right to go out and spend time with other people away from me too, I’ve told her that repeatedly and if she chooses not to do so, that’s her problem and I won’t allow it to become mine.

As you can plainly tell, I am still a bit upset about some of conversation and I willingly admit that she had some good points, however, some of them were nonsense.  She wasn’t a clinging vine kind of woman when we were in the group in Krasarang and I can’t see the reason why she is trying to do so now.

My Dad always told that he never had felt like Mom was trying to control him and that’s why they have stayed together for so long, not to mention that they still love one another quite deeply.  I think that my Mom’s thoughts on the issues was probably more on the mark though, she told me that she has learned how to compromise, however, it has to be a two way agreement between the parties involved.  Oh, I know that my parents are not perfect, they have arguments and they have had other issues in the past that they have overcome, however, it seems like for the most part, they seem to be happy.

I will admit that I was worried that she had left me because she was gone for a week before I finally found her in one of our old haunts in the Jade Forest.  Let’s just say that I neglected a lot of things just so I could find her and talk to her.   I can understand how she felt, I made a promise to her about doing certain things and I broke that promise, however, I did remind her that even though I promised, I am not perfect.  Now, I’m busting my behind to get the farm back into shape again, Jogu helped out quite a bit, however, there is just too much for one person to do to keep it looking like it should.

I hope that we can get things worked out, however, this whole thing has started me rethinking making any kind of long term commitment again.  I just can’t put myself through this kind of heartache just because I’ve done something that displeases Kae.   She’s done a few things in the past that have definitely displeased me, however, I didn’t take off and not come back or not let her know where I was.  There we go, there’s the compromise thing, it can’t be just one person doing it – it takes two to make a relationship.

I have spent my whole morning, it’s raining like crazy in Halfhill at the moment, just letting my thoughts hinge on things that may be irrelevant to others, however, sometimes when I write things down on paper, I can get a better grasp on it.  I know that I am going to try to keep this relationship going and do my best to make it work, however, Kae is going to have to change some her things too.  We’ll see what happens.

Kaldor Shadowmoon