So Very Very Young

 

October 13th

 

Dear Journal,

 

It’s been many days since I have been able to find the time to write in my journal, much less find the time to actually sit down and try to gather my thoughts.  It feels like everyone has lost their minds and they are madly searching to find their reasoning powers again.  It makes me sad, it makes me angry and then, again, I’m trying to find my sanity as well.

 

I know that the day that I left Dalaran to join this venture that I was thrilled with the excitement and with the allure of being a part of something important.  I stood there and solemnly said good-bye to my parents, my Kaldorei Mother and my Sindorei Father, people that have been through war before and already knew that my blinders would be removed from eyes harshly and that reality would either make me into a man or crush my dreams in the dust.

 

Yes, some of my dreams have been crushed into oblivion and I doubt that I will ever feel quite the same way about things.  My confidence in myself and my comrades in arms has grown but so has the sense of loss that I feel each day as I see fewer of them gathering at our campfires in Panderia.  It’s been a hard fight and will continue to be so for many years to come. 

 

Let me start back a bit.  My Father knew long before any of the actual War actually befell us that something was going to happen through his own experienced ways, I was totally caught blindsided by the events that happened.   I know that he felt heartbroken and felt that his honor had been put in disgrace by the events that transpired at Theramore.  I was so very young, so very very young; I felt anger at his people and at him because somehow, in my mind, he had allowed this to happen.

 

I went to Stormwind and signed up.  That was my error in judgment and I will fulfill my obligation in that quarter but my heart is definitely no longer involved, it’s strictly duty now.

 

I wish I had taken the time to find Josie and to tell her good bye but I guess that wasn’t something that the Fates were going to allow me to have.  I hadn’t heard from her since she visited in Dalaran and met the rest of the family.  Maybe we didn’t meet her requirements or something.  I know now that I cared very deeply for her, however, that time is passed and I doubt that I will ever have those feelings again for anyone in the near future.   I was so very very young.

 

I reported aboard the ship for transport to Panderia and met quite a few young fellows that I had seen in Stormwind previously.  We all sat on the deck and watched the clouds sail by as we approached the cloudy peninsula known as Panderia.  Little did we know that the majority of us would not survive the initial onslaught?  They weren’t friends, they were acquaintances.  I doubt that I will bother with trying to make any friends again for a while; I don’t want to bury them in this strange land.

 

The fighting was not what I expected, not in any kind of wild imaginary thoughts that I may have held on from my youth.  I’ve never flown a copter in my life, I’ve trained flying mounts and I’ve ridden them on large hunts, however, never have I flown a mechanical in my life.  Naturally, we were given rather rapid instructions on how to handle the things before we were literally thrown into them to battle the Horde.  Our goal was to sink ships from those flying machines and to shoot some of the peons on the ground, therefore eliminating as many of them as we could before we actually set foot on dry land.  I know that I did what I was supposed to do and my copter didn’t get shot down.  I’m not sure how many of my bombs actually hit the ships, however, I do know that I puked on quite a few people that were flying below me, which, I hope they lived long enough to even get angry about it. 

 

We sank the ships as we were ordered to do and killed as many people on the ground as we were ordered to do.  Those of us that survived that initial attack headed back to the ship to discover that the damage to our own ship was horrendous.  There would be no landing of this great craft again to touch the ground like it would have done in another time and another place. 

 

We were ordered to get into parachutes and abandon ship.  I know that hanging onto that parachute and drifting down to the ground, seeing the fighting of my comrades that had landed before me was horrific.  A lot of the people I had talked with just a few hours before aboard the ship, never made it to the ground, they were shot down while they slowly drifted to the ground below.  I will admit that I was scared out of my wits and kept praying that I would at least die with the earth beneath my feet and not die hanging like a sack of meat from this damned parachute.

 

The fighting was horrific.  My poor kitty did a remarkable job of protecting my back and helping me defend my comrades.  Yes, I had taken a life or two before but nothing in comparison to the killing that I did that day.  It still makes my stomach lurch and I feel my throat catch on the bile as it rises towards my mouth.  No, I will never be the same.  After that day, a sentient being is just something that needs to be killed before it kills me.  I know that I landed in Panderia in the early morning and by the time I made my way to the next available village it was already nightfall.  Of what day, I’m not sure because it seemed as if it lasted a lifetime.

 

I saw another hunter fall before as we scrambled up the stairs towards what we had hoped was a haven of some kind.  She was wounded and the blood was pouring profusely from a leg wound, she was still struggling as hard as she could to stay on her feet and to fight her way out of danger.  Yes, me being stupid, I helped her and ended up carrying her to the village.  She looked so very familiar and yet not, the blood and the grime of battle covered most of her face, however, her hair was what made her look familiar to me, I think.  As it would happen, she was a neighbor that I had met when I was visiting my grandparents in Dolonaar. She had that same glorious white mane that reminded me so much of my Mother.

 

These Pandarian are a strange group of people.  They seem to be very peace loving and yet, they can fight with a ferocity that would make anyone stand back and take notice.  They know why they fight, I’m not sure that we do.  I just know that Kae and I go where our orders take us and attend to the duties that we’re assigned.

 

Since we both were wounded that first day, we were given light duties for a day before we had to trudge onto our next duty assignment.  Yes, I will have to admit that this huntress has never left my side since that day we struggled up those stairs together.  We’re not mated, yet we are in so many ways. A Kaldorei female with her half-breed companion.

 

No, I will have to say that I don’t think that I am in any danger for a reprisal because of my heritage at this point.  I’m accepted by peers and the commanders don’t seem to question my loyalty.  I think Kae has helped that out quite a bit by being with me all of the time.  She’s a fierce fighter and a fierce companion when the need arises.

 

We’ve actually had time to explore this mysterious land a little bit and it is glorious.  So pristine, so green and yet it has a danger to it like I have never seen before.  I think I know why I am fighting now to some point.  I’m here to save these people from the horrors that only the Horde can bring to the land along with their greed and cruelty. 

 

I know now why people look at my parents the way that they do, however, those people don’t know my parents – they truly must love one another to put up with the disparaging remarks and the cruelty that has been reaped on them for years.   I had no choice in whom my parents were, however, I don’t think that I would change them even if I could. 

 

I think that I have caught a glimpse of my Father when I was out on patrol a couple of days ago, in fact, I know it was him.  I heard the whistle that we always used when we were hunting together that told me to proceed with extreme care.  Yes, it was him, I saw Pan running silently beside him as he disappeared back into the trees.  He saved our lives that day, we were walking into an ambush, and his warning saved us.

 

We’re staying a few days here in the Jade Forest in a small village called Dawn’s Blossom.  It feels good to finally be able to get out of my armor and give it a proper cleaning and just relax.  The food here is unbelievable and there is an actual Inn here.  What wouldn’t I do for a long soak in my bathtub in Dalaran though?

 

Kae is out doing some shopping and I hope that she gets back soon.  I would have gone with her but I wanted to sit down and gather my thoughts and get a letter off to my Mother so that she won’t be worrying herself sick or getting angry enough to leave the little guys with the grandparents and come searching for both her mate and her son.  I almost expect her to show up any day because I know her and I know she feels about protecting the things that she loves.  Once a Sentinel, always a Sentinel.

 

No, I don’t “know” Kae in that way.  We share a bed, we share our duties but we’re both of the mind that we don’t want to become too attached to one another yet, we don’t want the double pain of losing a friend and companion.  No, we’re just taking our time and she knows that I am not ready to put my heart into the care of someone at this point in my life.  I want to live through this “war” and then, I’ll figure out what I want to do with my life.

 

I know I miss my family more than words could even begin to describe.  I hope that Vashlan still has his nose buried in his books because the poor fellow wouldn’t last an hour here in Panderia, he’d get distracted by something and get killed. I miss my little half brothers; I miss the games and pranks that they used to try to play on their big brother.  I miss my Mother and I will admit that I miss Fnor and I have finally gotten to the point that I can think of him as my Father.  I think I understand some of the things that he did. 

 

Kaldor