Still…Changes

July 13th

Dear Journal,

I know that it’s been forever since I have written in my journal and it’s been quite a while since I had anything of any great importance to say, however, I think I need to say something to someone about this even if it isn’t out loud in public or anything like that.

I have been going through my priestess training and learning how to heal the way that it is supposed to be done and I think I am doing okay with it.  I love my work, I like helping people and making sure that they are feeling better when I am finished working with them as a healer. It has been my whole life so far.

My real problem right now is the fact that I think that I have fallen in love with a young Ranger, he’s very handsome and very sweet.  His family isn’t of any real note and neither is mine, so, there shouldn’t have been any problems with the two of us if we happened to get together.  I know that it is kind of hard to do anything in this town without it being circulated all over the place. I know how people like to gossip about things.  Well, I think that there is going to be some gossip going around in a while even if there was something that I could do about it.

Okay, my brother, bless his flirty little heart, has made arrangements for me to marry an older man and to gain some social status in Silvermoon.  I don’t love the man and from what little bit of time that I have spent with him, he just wants to marry me to produce an heir for him and to keep his bloodline going.  The thought of the old fellow touching my private parts almost makes my skin crawl; however, he is going to have to do more than just touch to get an heir. Due to the old fellow’s age, I don’t know if he can even produce an heir or how many times we would have to have this “joining” going on.  Well, there are other ways to get an heir and in all honesty, I have no qualms in doing that if it is going to make the old fellow happy.

We have gone out to dinner a few times and he does seem to be likeable enough and his very intelligent.  Well, he had better be intelligent considering that he is one of the magistrates here in Silvermoon.  I do have to laugh at those titles because historically, you had to earn the titles, now, you can buy them for a few thousand gold.  He likes to talk about his work as a mage and I find it rather interesting and find it very mysterious sometimes.  I think that mages walk a very fine line between the Light and the Dark because I know some young mages act as if they know everything and have unknowingly slipped into the darkness through some of their trial and error methodology, poor fellows.  Anyway, I think I can tolerate being married to this man and he already knows that it is not a love match and I know that he has already gotten a goodly portion of my dowry from Fnar.

Getting back to my Ranger, he’s everything that a woman could want; he’s handsome, virile, brave and a bit brash at times.  Oh, I know that a lot of girls are just crazy about the Rangers here in Silvermoon.  One of the things that I will say about my young man is that he is not a man of means and is earning his way through the ranks much like my brother and Fnor Morningstar did, they didn’t buy their commissions because it has taken them years of experience to get to where they are today.  Oh, my Jax is definitely a man’s man in every sense of the word, a very careful blending of both my brother and Fnor.  Oh, he’s not as blunt as my brother and he’s not as diplomatic as Fnor, however, he is a whole lot younger.  I know it sounds silly; however, he’s someone that I am proud to be seen with and very proud to be with.   

I know this all sounds confusing because it is.  I am going to marry this old man and I want to be able to be with my Ranger.  They both are special in their own way, however, one is nearing the end of his life and the other is just starting out with his profession.  I am very worried how this is going to work out. 

I know that I am really in a quandary because I have given word to my brother that I would marry this old man and my heart is telling me that it is wrong of me to do so.  I know that there are marriages where the people are together for the reasons that this magistrate is marrying me and yet, the couples end up being very unhappy together and they take lovers or part company.  I have spent hours praying to the Light for some kind of guidance and I don’t know that it is going to help.  I know that my brother would be very upset with me if I broke my word to him and to the magistrate and yet, I am not sure that I will be any happier for it.  Here I sit loving one man and knowing that if I marry the other one; I will have more social standing with my friends and the rest of the community that will enable me to further my career too.

I’m not as sweet and naive as some of the people around me think that I am.  It is a persona that I have been very careful in projecting because it is what some of the people expect of me.  I’m not like Faendra and her obsession with my brother nor am I as hotheaded as she is.  When I do things, I am more methodical and I do hope more organized.   However, this particular situation is rather awkward and I wish that I had someone to talk too about it.

If Faendra were here, I doubt that I would even tell her about it because she would try to use it as another way of getting at Fnar.  I swear that girl is a fool because we have all told her that he is not the “marrying” kind and that he is one man that is completely happy with having a fling and doesn’t want the encumbrances of having a wife and children – children he may have, however, it is doubtful that he will marry anyone in the near future.

Speaking of Faendra, she is supposed to be here in Silvermoon to attend the parties and meet the families prior to her wedding and she isn’t here.  I’ve written to her in Orgrimmar to find out what the holdup is with her arrival here in Silvermoon. I’ve gotten absolutely no answers from her and to be honest, I know how unhappy she was at her arrangement to be married in a few weeks, however, I have met her intended several times and he is absolutely gorgeous and very nice. His family happens to be one of the nicest families in Silvermoon and not all arrogant acting.

I know that Agatha has been doing a marvelous job helping me with all of the things with my wedding plans and parties even if she is wondering how fast she is going to be able to do the same thing for Faendra if she doesn’t show up soon.   Sometimes that girl just doesn’t think about things and it makes it a total hardship for everyone else.

Oh well, I’ll keep thinking about my own situation and see what I can come up with.  I want to keep my Ranger and I want to make sure that I keep my word to my brother about this marriage, even if it does make me unhappy.

This entry probably doesn’t make much sense since my brain just keeps hopping all over the place like a very skittish rabbit.

Felessa Dawnglory

My Heart Is Breaking…My Dreams Are Shattered

June 26th

Dear Journal,

It’s been years since I’ve even opened this old dusty book and put anything in it. I just felt the need to write something down because I can’t very well discuss it with my brother, Fnar or with my best friend, Faendra. They would both think I’m being stupid and naive again. I can’t help it, it’s how I feel and it’s something that I am going to have to learn how to deal with it like an adult.

An adult? What in name of all that is Holy is an Adult? Well, my definition of that right now is someone that is getting on in years and has the intelligence of an insect when it comes to things that matter the most.

I’m sitting here crying and thinking about the man I am in love with. He’s getting married to someone else and he wants me to perform the ceremony for them because he’s marrying a Kaldorei that wants a Sindorei wedding. Life is not fair!! I should have said “no” because my heart was breaking and I just wanted to run away from him when he asked me to do a small favor.

I think that I have been in love with this man since the first time I laid eyes on him when I was a little girl. He’s tall, dark and has black hair and a very infectious laugh. I remember that he picked me up in his arms and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told me how cute I was and I think that’s when I fell in love with him. He’s always been my ideal, he’s kind, he’s generous and very brave. He’s the perfect gentleman and the perfect man in my eyes. Now, I feel like my whole world is shattering.

How can I tell my best friend that I am in love with her brother and that I have been saving myself for him? it sounds so stupid when I write it down. All of my dreams of finally being able to kiss him on the mouth and let him feel the passion that I have held in my heart for him all of these years and have him respond to me in like kind. All of those naughty dreams of mine where I can feel him between my legs and taking that virgin flower as only a real man would and I wake up with that empty feeling that my dream lover couldn’t fill for me.

When Fnar and I packed up our things in the orphanage and moved to Silvermoon, it was a time when I was so frightened of everything that I spent most of my time hiding in my room and weeping. Fnar had decided that being in the Rangers was the only way that he could make a living and take care of me because I was still a little girl. I wish I had been adopted by some family, however, that didn’t happen because Fnar wouldn’t let me go…he’d be mean to the people or he would cut my hair funny so I looked awful and they wouldn’t take me. He’s my brother and I think that he didn’t want to be left alone at the orphanage – he was too wild and headstrong for many to want to adopt him but I loved him for it anyway.

I know I stayed in our little one room apartment and tried to keep myself busy when Fnar was gone and kept the door locked because I was afraid to go outside alone. There were no more matrons to run too if something went wrong and I needed help, we were alone in a city that was so huge and the people seemed so different from the people in Shattrath. Fnar would bring me books to read and would take me out for walks when he wasn’t training. He actually took me to where he was training a few times and I would sit on the benches and watch all of these people shooting bows or striking these wooden things with swords until Fnar would remember me and come talk to me for a while.

He had told me about his Commander and how strict he was with his training and making sure that Fnar got everything done correctly. He even brought home some old armor that the fellow had given him because he couldn’t afford to buy his own. We spent hours cleaning that old dusty armor and shining it up so that it looked almost new. We didn’t have a whole lot of money and Fnar was doing the best that he could to support the two of us. I even offered to go out and try my hand at herbing, however, Fnar was adamant that I stay at home for now before I ended up getting presented to people before he thought I was ready.

The first time that I met the Commander, he was all dressed up in his parade armor, all red and gold and was almost like something I had seen in the picture books in Shattrath. The sunlight was glancing off in all directions when it hit his armor and his smile was so bright that it made me smile back. Fnar was very nervous when he introduced us and I know that I was blushing as only a little girl can and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes because I was so afraid.

The Commander introduced himself as Fnor Morningstar and bowed. I’d never had a man bow to me before and I was even more frightened when he picked me up in his arms and smiled right into my eyes and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I remember running and hiding behind Fnar when he put me back on the ground and holding onto his belt as if my life depended on it. I remember him talking about the fact that he had a sister my age going to school here in Silvermoon and he thought that we might be good friends.

I know that Fnar was embarrassed and told his Commander that he couldn’t afford to send me to school and that he was teaching me at home when he had the time. I guess Commander Morningstar must have been shocked and a bit embarrassed that one of his troopers was living at the edge of Murders Row in a tenement building because the next thing I knew, we were moving into another apartment closer to the Bazaar. Fnar brought home several dresses that were my size and told me to try them on and he even brought some very nice books for me to have that he had gotten from his Commander. He also told me that I was going to be living with the Commander’s sister, Faendra and I would have to live in a foster home with her. I cried until I vomited and told him I didn’t want to live in a foster home because I thought it was like going back to an orphanage.

So, that’s how it all began. My friendship with Faendra and my falling more in love with her brother each time I saw him, which was actually more frequent than I saw my own brother. I guess the Commanders could get back to their families more often. Fae and I are still great friends; however, I wonder how she would feel if she knew that I loved her brother?

She has always teased me about the fact that I always get so quiet when Fnor is around and that you’d think that I had gone mute on more than one occasion. All I wanted to do was to stare at him and memorize everything he said and to take a new memory of how he looked when I last saw him into my mind and heart.

Yes, he’s been involved with other women, closer to his own age and he’s even been married before, silly woman ran off with an Orc instead of staying with this wonderfully beautiful man. I think I always thought that there might be a chance for me some day. He would see that I was all grown-up and would fall in love with me. He was truly my Prince in shining armor and yes, he did ride up a few times on a charger that made me almost swoon when I thought of the fairytales and how they ended.

Oh, I know he’s been involved with this Kaldorei and has children with her, however, that happens in wartimes. Now, he’s going to marry her and I have to be there to see it. I don’t know how I can bear it but I will. I want it to be my wedding and not hers, she doesn’t deserve him, he’s my man, my heart and not my lover but it has to happen. Maybe he will change his mind before the wedding?

Part of me wants to weep some more and part of me wants to hate the way that I feel. I wish I had someone I could talk to about this. I’m afraid that people would laugh at me if they knew and I don’t think that I could bear that. Why did he have to ask me to perform the service? He even gave me one of those beaming smiles of his and winked when I said “Yes”…I shouldn’t have said that I would do it but now, I have too.

I think that I will go talk to one of my older instructors and see what they think. I know that I have the authority to perform the service and I think that I know how to do it. I’ll get some clarification on the ritual and try to get some other ideas as to how I can handle this whole situation as a priestess.

I just flipped back the pages on this journal and I think I need a new one. It looks like I’ve spent hours writing his name on the pages and writing my name with his last name. Silly school girl stuff but still it hurts to see my dreams shattered like this. I think my heart is breaking.

Felessa Dawnglory-Morningstar

Felessa Dawnglory-Morningstar

Felessa Dawnglory-Morningstar

Felessa Dawnglory-Morningstar

Stupid stupid girl!!